June has been a busy busy month for us.
First, I would like to thank you all for the kind comments and anniversary wishes.
I found out last Friday that my FET would be delayed.
I was shocked and upset to find that the lining of my uterus was not responding the way it should have to the estrogen.
It was still too thin!
The nurse questioned if I had been taking the meds properly.
After the results of my blood work, it seems that my estrogen is good and high but didn't boost my lining the way it should have.
My mind has been racing to figure out what might have caused the delay.
Even though the nurse said diet and physical activity would have nothing to do with it, I suspect the opposite.
I may have screwed things up for myself.
Since my last failed fresh IVF cycle, I have been exercising everyday and cutting back on calories.
I've lost more than 10 pounds since my last cycle ended in May.
I felt that I had gained way to much weight from the various A.R.T. cycles and failed pregnancy.
Kinda got tired of looking slightly pregnant when I wasn't.
It's so frustrating to have my body go through this and have no baby to show for it.
Maybe I took out my frustration on my body.
It's difficult to rationalize any of it.
It's crazy having all the hormones pumped into the body making it look and feel pregnant only to end up with an empty womb.
I keep thinking all this work and all I got was achy boobs, wide hips and a big gut.
Didn't like the people wondering "is she? or isn't she? is she just getting fat and old?"
Well, I think my quest to get back in shape has derailed my FET cycle!
Can't seem to win.
All this estrogen and the delay has triggered my anxiety.
Went to see my therapist for the first time in months.
Needed to get my anxiety levels in check.
A week ago I looked forward to my embryo transfer.
Now I am dreading it.
I'm so afraid of it not being successful.
I'm afraid of what happens next.
I'm afraid that this will be the end of my TTC journey.
I feel like I am setting myself up for another negative outcome.
Trying so hard to stop these feelings.
I'm looking at it as if there is a 90/10 chance instead of it being 50/50.
Oh goodness, I don't like thinking this way!
It is so difficult to convince myself otherwise.
This year has been so difficult.
It started with a miracle pregnancy with a tragic ending and continued to get worse with my mother's illness and sad prognosis.
I guess I'm lucky to have made it this far without a nervous breakdown.
Keep telling myself that it couldn't get any worse, but deep down inside I know, oh yes, it really can!
Whew!
Tomorrow I go back in for blood work and ultrasound.
Hopefully my uterus is responding better and I can have my FET next week.
I'll update tomorrow.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Happy Fifth Anniversary
To love of my life
I know that you sneek peeks at my blog, dear husband.
Happy Fifth Anniversary!
I can't imagine going through life or this struggle with anyone else but you!
You are my rock.
Kocham, mąż !
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I know that you sneek peeks at my blog, dear husband.
Happy Fifth Anniversary!
I can't imagine going through life or this struggle with anyone else but you!
You are my rock.
Kocham, mąż !
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Furbaby Birthday
The day before my older bro's momentous wedding, my furbaby turned 1!
Like many of us dealing with infertility, I refer to my lovable pooch as my furbaby.
Unfortunately I can't keep her at my house full time because of my husband's allergies.
She is quite content with being spoiled at granny's house.
Somehow I managed to find some time this morning to create a video of her living the good life at granny's house.
Let's just call it practice for the videos to come once the child we hope for arrives.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLd9vS0pcso
Like many of us dealing with infertility, I refer to my lovable pooch as my furbaby.
Unfortunately I can't keep her at my house full time because of my husband's allergies.
She is quite content with being spoiled at granny's house.
Somehow I managed to find some time this morning to create a video of her living the good life at granny's house.
Let's just call it practice for the videos to come once the child we hope for arrives.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLd9vS0pcso
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Can I Blame It On The Estrogen?
First a quick report.
My mother was released from the hospital yesterday. She had an infection of the bowel and also had another stint placed in her liver to open an obstruction.
We have to be cautious and careful because the chemo lowers her resistance to infection.
She is elated to be home.
Thank you for the thoughts and prayers.
Right now I have to be mindful of my moods and emotions.
I am really struggling to control my temper also.
The high dosage of estrogen is really affecting me.
At the moment I am wearing 4 estrogen patches and am taking 4 mg of estrace to boost my lining for egg transfer.
Somehow I managed to keep things in check during my previous IVF cycles but this FET cycle seems more difficult to handle my hormone related mood swings.
Up to Friday night I managed to keep that raging angry weeping feeling at bay but the events surrounding my mother's emergency room visit were more than I could handle.
After receiving the call from my sister that my mother had a fever and chills, we hopped into the car and attempted to rush to my parent's house.
We just happened to get caught by a slow moving freight train crossing a few miles from the house. There was no way around it. the train crossing spanned all streets heading east.
It just added to the building anxiety.
When we arrive there, my older bro and new wife were assisting my mother into their car.
They were at the house but were waiting for me to arrive before taking my mother to the emergency room.
WTF!!!
Idiots, just get her to the hospital!
My older sis jumped into our car and off we went.
As we sat in the waiting room two groups of teenagers began to pile in;
one group of city kids and one group of suburban looking kids.
All of them were crying and freaking out.
Now I think my estrogen levels were just waiting for a moment to turn me into a bawling mess.
My heart was in my throat.
I could almost feel all of their fears and emotions.
The estrogen rage began feeding on it and I couldn't suppress it.
It was a warm summer Friday night,all the makings for tragedy for teenagers in Chicago.
I watched as family members were taken through that door.
I knew where that door lead. That's were the chaplain and counsellors were for the worst case scenarios.
Finally my mother was taken back to a bed for treatment and diagnosis.
This emergency room has become too familiar to me.
After getting Mom situated , I asked my sister if she had informed the rest of my sibs about my mother.
My husband had attempted to contact my brother (Mr.Azz between his shoulders pissed off at the world yet "born again") on his cell but there was no answer.
She replied, "Oh he won't talk to your husband, he's mad at him"
RAGE Estrogen RAGE!
I blew up, couldn't hold it any longer!
I tried so hard. this wasn't the place or time but I lost it!
"WTF, is that f-ker mad about, he has no f-ing grounds to be mad about sht! I'm the one who should be mad! If he's mad about me not wanting to be used by my deadbeat older bro, he can kiss my azz. I'm not a sap or a ho to be used!"
Yes I said ho, I don't know where have those words came from.
"Don't try to use me like you used my father!"
Then I stormed out.
I ran outside of the emergency room to find my husband.
The area outside of the hospital's ER had filled up with teenagers.
It looked like a park.
The air was heavy with emotion and anxiety.
The two groups of teens had become one as they all awaited news on their friends.
They were swapping stories and trying to console each other.
This was too much for me.
Tears just poured out like a runny faucet.
So much, too much!
Took a few breaths and got it under control.
I returned to the seating area and sat in the only free seat next to my new sister-in-law and her new stepdaughter, my niece.
They were watching the Disney channel.
Greyson Chance was singing and playing the piano on TV.
I relaxed a bit.
Asked new sister in law about the teens outside.
She acted as if she didn't notice them or could care less, eating chips and hot chocolate.
Oblivious to what was going on around her.
If you are as "saved" and as super "Christian" as you like us to believe, wouldn't you show more concern for you fellow man?
Asked my niece, "Isn't that that the kid that was found on YouTube singing Lady Gaga? The one that Ellen and Lady Gaga helped get a record deal?"
Before she could speak, my new 30yr old, holier than thou, sister in law blurted, " I would never let either of them mentor a child of mine!"
Okay now hold it back hold it back.
My mind and the estrogen raced.
To myself, "b-you self righteous, know it all,phony, dumbazz!"
Stop stop stop control yourself!
This is why I sometimes have trouble with religion.
People like this!
At this moment that little witch should have kept that sht to herself.
I'm not a violent person but it took everything I had not to slap, slap, slap , SLAP her until my arm got too tired to slap!
My husband saw the look on my face and took me back outside to cool off luckily my younger bro showed up with my favorite nephew and that eased my mood.
Shortly the bad news about the two different teens had made it's rounds.
Crying families, crying groups of teens, wailing and sobbing on a mass scale.
Too much!
Too sad.
I fought to control my own tears.
Headed back in to my mother as they prepared to transfer her to a room and said goodnight.
She was feeling better and that made me feel better.
It was time to head home and try to sleep.
Only a mile to bed.
Knelt for a long time by the side of the bed, unsure of what to say or ask.
All I could say was "God please take care of everyone tonight, Oh and thank you for not letting me slap my new sister in law."
My mother was released from the hospital yesterday. She had an infection of the bowel and also had another stint placed in her liver to open an obstruction.
We have to be cautious and careful because the chemo lowers her resistance to infection.
She is elated to be home.
Thank you for the thoughts and prayers.
Right now I have to be mindful of my moods and emotions.
I am really struggling to control my temper also.
The high dosage of estrogen is really affecting me.
At the moment I am wearing 4 estrogen patches and am taking 4 mg of estrace to boost my lining for egg transfer.
Somehow I managed to keep things in check during my previous IVF cycles but this FET cycle seems more difficult to handle my hormone related mood swings.
Up to Friday night I managed to keep that raging angry weeping feeling at bay but the events surrounding my mother's emergency room visit were more than I could handle.
After receiving the call from my sister that my mother had a fever and chills, we hopped into the car and attempted to rush to my parent's house.
We just happened to get caught by a slow moving freight train crossing a few miles from the house. There was no way around it. the train crossing spanned all streets heading east.
It just added to the building anxiety.
When we arrive there, my older bro and new wife were assisting my mother into their car.
They were at the house but were waiting for me to arrive before taking my mother to the emergency room.
WTF!!!
Idiots, just get her to the hospital!
My older sis jumped into our car and off we went.
As we sat in the waiting room two groups of teenagers began to pile in;
one group of city kids and one group of suburban looking kids.
All of them were crying and freaking out.
Now I think my estrogen levels were just waiting for a moment to turn me into a bawling mess.
My heart was in my throat.
I could almost feel all of their fears and emotions.
The estrogen rage began feeding on it and I couldn't suppress it.
It was a warm summer Friday night,all the makings for tragedy for teenagers in Chicago.
I watched as family members were taken through that door.
I knew where that door lead. That's were the chaplain and counsellors were for the worst case scenarios.
Finally my mother was taken back to a bed for treatment and diagnosis.
This emergency room has become too familiar to me.
After getting Mom situated , I asked my sister if she had informed the rest of my sibs about my mother.
My husband had attempted to contact my brother (Mr.Azz between his shoulders pissed off at the world yet "born again") on his cell but there was no answer.
She replied, "Oh he won't talk to your husband, he's mad at him"
RAGE Estrogen RAGE!
I blew up, couldn't hold it any longer!
I tried so hard. this wasn't the place or time but I lost it!
"WTF, is that f-ker mad about, he has no f-ing grounds to be mad about sht! I'm the one who should be mad! If he's mad about me not wanting to be used by my deadbeat older bro, he can kiss my azz. I'm not a sap or a ho to be used!"
Yes I said ho, I don't know where have those words came from.
"Don't try to use me like you used my father!"
Then I stormed out.
I ran outside of the emergency room to find my husband.
The area outside of the hospital's ER had filled up with teenagers.
It looked like a park.
The air was heavy with emotion and anxiety.
The two groups of teens had become one as they all awaited news on their friends.
They were swapping stories and trying to console each other.
This was too much for me.
Tears just poured out like a runny faucet.
So much, too much!
Took a few breaths and got it under control.
I returned to the seating area and sat in the only free seat next to my new sister-in-law and her new stepdaughter, my niece.
They were watching the Disney channel.
Greyson Chance was singing and playing the piano on TV.
I relaxed a bit.
Asked new sister in law about the teens outside.
She acted as if she didn't notice them or could care less, eating chips and hot chocolate.
Oblivious to what was going on around her.
If you are as "saved" and as super "Christian" as you like us to believe, wouldn't you show more concern for you fellow man?
Asked my niece, "Isn't that that the kid that was found on YouTube singing Lady Gaga? The one that Ellen and Lady Gaga helped get a record deal?"
Before she could speak, my new 30yr old, holier than thou, sister in law blurted, " I would never let either of them mentor a child of mine!"
Okay now hold it back hold it back.
My mind and the estrogen raced.
To myself, "b-you self righteous, know it all,phony, dumbazz!"
Stop stop stop control yourself!
This is why I sometimes have trouble with religion.
People like this!
At this moment that little witch should have kept that sht to herself.
I'm not a violent person but it took everything I had not to slap, slap, slap , SLAP her until my arm got too tired to slap!
My husband saw the look on my face and took me back outside to cool off luckily my younger bro showed up with my favorite nephew and that eased my mood.
Shortly the bad news about the two different teens had made it's rounds.
Crying families, crying groups of teens, wailing and sobbing on a mass scale.
Too much!
Too sad.
I fought to control my own tears.
Headed back in to my mother as they prepared to transfer her to a room and said goodnight.
She was feeling better and that made me feel better.
It was time to head home and try to sleep.
Only a mile to bed.
Knelt for a long time by the side of the bed, unsure of what to say or ask.
All I could say was "God please take care of everyone tonight, Oh and thank you for not letting me slap my new sister in law."
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Had To Rush Mom to hospital
Had to rush my mom to the emergency room last night. She had a slight temperature and was trembling. Doctors believe she has an infection. Just hoping and praying that it isn't another liver abscess. Very tired and very emotional. Please send up a little prayer for us.
Friday, June 10, 2011
An "A.R.T.ful " Routine?
I awoke to the sound of my blaring alarm this morning.
It's another A.R.T. day!
WhoopteeDOO!
Off to see Mr. "DildoCam" and "Needlelady"!
The words "blood work" and "ultrasounds" occur too often in my day to day vocabulary!
I roll out of bed nursing another one of my weather induced migraines from hell!
Today I had to make an exception and have that cup of coffee with my Excedrine.
That's the only way to get the throbbing in my left temple to ease a bit.
I lay out my one of my "IVF" uniforms; loose sleeves, "easyoff" jeans, black "granny" panties, and my colorful socks.
I shower with my favorite Victoria's Secret shower gel and follow that with that expensive body cream that I set aside for my fertility appointments.
Honestly, I have no idea why I do that.
It's just a crazy routine that has developed with all the A.R.T. cycles I've had.
It's almost sad!
As I was driving to the doctor's office, I became aware of how some things have almost become routine in my life.
I always set all my RE appointments for 9am. Even when I was at my old RE's office.
At the beginning of each A.R.T. cycle, go to "Trader Joe's " right after my appointment to stock up on protein power, stinky soft cheese (to satisfy my cheese fetish one last time before and if I get pregnant), and chai latte mix.
The only difference today was the addition of a bottle of "twobuckchuck" the delightfully cheap wine "Trader Joe's" carries.
One last toast to a hopefully successful cycle!
It's all becoming too routine for me.
I have other crazy habits also.
I try to avoid having to buy feminine napkins or tampons during the Aunt Flo before my IVF cycles.
I use whatever is left and luckily this AF I had 2 sample boxes to get me through.
Each time I swear it's going to be my last Aunt Flo for the next nine months.
I try not to purchase any clothing before a cycle.
If I do buy anything, I get clothing with a little extra room in the waist, just in case.
Pure lunacy!
You'd think I would learn.
I never read or look at any "baby" or "pregnancy" gear, ads, or mags when I'm not cycling.
I feel like an impostor.
Only during the A.R.T.ful times to I allow myself to indulge in such dreams and fantasies.
Maybe I have been doing this for too long and too many times.
This shouldn't be routine in ones life.
It's another A.R.T. day!
WhoopteeDOO!
Off to see Mr. "DildoCam" and "Needlelady"!
The words "blood work" and "ultrasounds" occur too often in my day to day vocabulary!
I roll out of bed nursing another one of my weather induced migraines from hell!
Today I had to make an exception and have that cup of coffee with my Excedrine.
That's the only way to get the throbbing in my left temple to ease a bit.
I lay out my one of my "IVF" uniforms; loose sleeves, "easyoff" jeans, black "granny" panties, and my colorful socks.
I shower with my favorite Victoria's Secret shower gel and follow that with that expensive body cream that I set aside for my fertility appointments.
Honestly, I have no idea why I do that.
It's just a crazy routine that has developed with all the A.R.T. cycles I've had.
It's almost sad!
As I was driving to the doctor's office, I became aware of how some things have almost become routine in my life.
I always set all my RE appointments for 9am. Even when I was at my old RE's office.
At the beginning of each A.R.T. cycle, go to "Trader Joe's " right after my appointment to stock up on protein power, stinky soft cheese (to satisfy my cheese fetish one last time before and if I get pregnant), and chai latte mix.
The only difference today was the addition of a bottle of "twobuckchuck" the delightfully cheap wine "Trader Joe's" carries.
One last toast to a hopefully successful cycle!
It's all becoming too routine for me.
I have other crazy habits also.
I try to avoid having to buy feminine napkins or tampons during the Aunt Flo before my IVF cycles.
I use whatever is left and luckily this AF I had 2 sample boxes to get me through.
Each time I swear it's going to be my last Aunt Flo for the next nine months.
I try not to purchase any clothing before a cycle.
If I do buy anything, I get clothing with a little extra room in the waist, just in case.
Pure lunacy!
You'd think I would learn.
I never read or look at any "baby" or "pregnancy" gear, ads, or mags when I'm not cycling.
I feel like an impostor.
Only during the A.R.T.ful times to I allow myself to indulge in such dreams and fantasies.
Maybe I have been doing this for too long and too many times.
This shouldn't be routine in ones life.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Wedding Recap
Please excuse any of my errors. I was in a haste to post.
Saturday morning was my oldest brother's wedding.
The wedding was held at the church where he and his fiancee are members.
It's Roman Catholic, but it's one of the most nontraditional Catholic churches in Archdiocese.
It has one of the biggest congregations and one of the most financially strong in the state.
The neighborhood surrounding the church was once a dying neighborhood.
Because of the Pastor and the members , the neighborhood is thriving and a safe area.
Despite being singled out by the Cardinal for being a "troublemaker" the pastor does great things for the community.
My husband and I donate often to this church even though we attend Mass at another Parrish.
But once again, I must state, it's not your "typical" Catholic church.
We arrived at the church and my youngest brother and his son escorted my mother to her pew.
As my husband and I settled into the pew, husband discretely started with his questions.
"why is there a neon 'Jesus' sign hanging from the ceiling? where is the crucifix? where's the statue of Mary? Is the bride Catholic? did you brother get an annulment from his last Catholic wedding? where are the kneelers!?"
His reaction to everything was so silly that I almost lost my composure. I guess taking a shot of vodka before leaving the house didn't help either.
The wedding procession was as normal as you could get.
The bride was given away by her father and step father.
Opening prayer was normal.
Okay, it's just a wedding service not a Catholic wedding.
Okay
Brides father walks up to the altar and sings a song to the couple.
Okay, nice but different.
The "Lords Prayer" was sung. Very long and slowly.
Husband whispers," Okay, that was like 20 minutes, its not that many words"
Why was my husband trying to make me burst out laughing.
Okay the exchanging of the vows...
at first I could hear the bride speaking, then she started whispering. I mean really whispering!
She went on and on and on.
Whispering
And then the groom started and he was whispering
People in the church we all looking all attentive like they could actually hear what was going on.
I started looking around confused because, it went on for a long long time.
I told my mother to sit back down if she felt week.
And it went on...
Then the priest stated something about going before God.
The bride and groom went to all the way up to the altar under the "Jesus" neon and someone shined a spotlight from the balcony.
So they stood there in the spotlight, whispering to each other again while music played.
Still standing
I begged my mother to sit down, but she held on.
This went on for 10 more minutes.
Not making this up now, repeat I am not making this up.
One of the bride's maids decided to start praising and speaking in tongues and "caught the Holy Ghost"
You should have seen the look on my husbands face!
Oh dear I fought so hard not to laugh!
Then the bride and groom came back down and things went back to normal.
Wedding over!
Now here comes the big top secret reception announcement!
"We would like to invite you to the church basement for the reception."
If haven't mentioned it before, the new couple had ran out of funding and was hoping for someone to donate a huge amount of money for the reception. I guess that donation hadn't come through.
If money was an issue, they maybe should have considered having the reception in the church basement originally. It's a beautiful banquet area, there's even a cafe and a store that opens on Sunday.
The reception was put together at the last minute.
The buffet style meal consisted of, 2 chicken wings per person, 3 meatballs, a scoop of green beans, a dollop of potato salad, and Hawaiian punch.
My mother looks at me and says, "don't eat the meatballs."
My second oldest brother ( the best man) was still moping about with that stick up his azz.
My husband began to feel bad when he noticed no one had brought gifts.
He asked the "best man" if the couple had a honey suite.
"Yeah", he grumbled.
If they didn't we would have given them a room using our Marriott points on top of the check we had written as a gift.
yes, despite them being azzholes towards us, we still gave a gift.
We would later find out that they had no reservations and just $150 bucks for the night.
I feel bad that no one told us.
Despite the craziness, the ceremony was beautiful.
There was one bright moment that day.
My oldest brother had a 5th child while he was in between marriages.
My mother and I have always tried to be a part of the girls life.
We would go to recitals, have her over for dinner, buy her Christmas presents, etc.
She was a cool little kid.
We never wanted her to feel less of a grandchild because of her father's mess.
Well, she's 18 and she will be graduating from an accelerated learning program this weekend.
Not only will she receive her high school diploma but she will also be receiving her Associates Degree at the same time. Despite not having her father in her life she still managed to succeed.
This is something to really celebrate!
Saturday morning was my oldest brother's wedding.
The wedding was held at the church where he and his fiancee are members.
It's Roman Catholic, but it's one of the most nontraditional Catholic churches in Archdiocese.
It has one of the biggest congregations and one of the most financially strong in the state.
The neighborhood surrounding the church was once a dying neighborhood.
Because of the Pastor and the members , the neighborhood is thriving and a safe area.
Despite being singled out by the Cardinal for being a "troublemaker" the pastor does great things for the community.
My husband and I donate often to this church even though we attend Mass at another Parrish.
But once again, I must state, it's not your "typical" Catholic church.
We arrived at the church and my youngest brother and his son escorted my mother to her pew.
As my husband and I settled into the pew, husband discretely started with his questions.
"why is there a neon 'Jesus' sign hanging from the ceiling? where is the crucifix? where's the statue of Mary? Is the bride Catholic? did you brother get an annulment from his last Catholic wedding? where are the kneelers!?"
His reaction to everything was so silly that I almost lost my composure. I guess taking a shot of vodka before leaving the house didn't help either.
The wedding procession was as normal as you could get.
The bride was given away by her father and step father.
Opening prayer was normal.
Okay, it's just a wedding service not a Catholic wedding.
Okay
Brides father walks up to the altar and sings a song to the couple.
Okay, nice but different.
The "Lords Prayer" was sung. Very long and slowly.
Husband whispers," Okay, that was like 20 minutes, its not that many words"
Why was my husband trying to make me burst out laughing.
Okay the exchanging of the vows...
at first I could hear the bride speaking, then she started whispering. I mean really whispering!
She went on and on and on.
Whispering
And then the groom started and he was whispering
People in the church we all looking all attentive like they could actually hear what was going on.
I started looking around confused because, it went on for a long long time.
I told my mother to sit back down if she felt week.
And it went on...
Then the priest stated something about going before God.
The bride and groom went to all the way up to the altar under the "Jesus" neon and someone shined a spotlight from the balcony.
So they stood there in the spotlight, whispering to each other again while music played.
Still standing
I begged my mother to sit down, but she held on.
This went on for 10 more minutes.
Not making this up now, repeat I am not making this up.
One of the bride's maids decided to start praising and speaking in tongues and "caught the Holy Ghost"
You should have seen the look on my husbands face!
Oh dear I fought so hard not to laugh!
Then the bride and groom came back down and things went back to normal.
Wedding over!
Now here comes the big top secret reception announcement!
"We would like to invite you to the church basement for the reception."
If haven't mentioned it before, the new couple had ran out of funding and was hoping for someone to donate a huge amount of money for the reception. I guess that donation hadn't come through.
If money was an issue, they maybe should have considered having the reception in the church basement originally. It's a beautiful banquet area, there's even a cafe and a store that opens on Sunday.
The reception was put together at the last minute.
The buffet style meal consisted of, 2 chicken wings per person, 3 meatballs, a scoop of green beans, a dollop of potato salad, and Hawaiian punch.
My mother looks at me and says, "don't eat the meatballs."
My second oldest brother ( the best man) was still moping about with that stick up his azz.
My husband began to feel bad when he noticed no one had brought gifts.
He asked the "best man" if the couple had a honey suite.
"Yeah", he grumbled.
If they didn't we would have given them a room using our Marriott points on top of the check we had written as a gift.
yes, despite them being azzholes towards us, we still gave a gift.
We would later find out that they had no reservations and just $150 bucks for the night.
I feel bad that no one told us.
Despite the craziness, the ceremony was beautiful.
There was one bright moment that day.
My oldest brother had a 5th child while he was in between marriages.
My mother and I have always tried to be a part of the girls life.
We would go to recitals, have her over for dinner, buy her Christmas presents, etc.
She was a cool little kid.
We never wanted her to feel less of a grandchild because of her father's mess.
Well, she's 18 and she will be graduating from an accelerated learning program this weekend.
Not only will she receive her high school diploma but she will also be receiving her Associates Degree at the same time. Despite not having her father in her life she still managed to succeed.
This is something to really celebrate!
A Backgrounder Before the Wedding Update. Long post...sorry
Thanks goodness that the weekend is finally over!
What a painfully crazy weekend.
It all started with the arrival of my second eldest brother and his family who had driven up from Georgia for the wedding. He arrived with a stick up his azz as usual, grunting, pouting, and this time ignoring my husband and me.
Now let me try to fill you in on the dynamics of the family.
My mother has 5 children, 3 from her first marriage, and my younger brother and I from the second.
We were all raised by my mother and her second husband (my dad).
The older sibling's father had given up all his parental rights after the divorce.
My dad stepped in to continue raising them.
Unfortunately, my dad spoiled them rotten in an attempt to bey their love and acceptance.
The more they griped the more he gave.
Even after they had left home and started families, he continued to shower them with gifts and they were ungrateful little fucks.
He would purchase cars and large appliances and have them shipped or driven to whatever place in the country my sibling was living.
My eldest brother was given complete furnishings for his apartment after his first wedding.
Baby showers were completely paid for by my dad.
Now, were weren't exactly "well off" but we lived a comfortable life.
My dad was a CPA and a financial wizard and knew how to make things work.
As my father's illness began to take it's toll our financial stability became shaky.
My father's heart began to give and he underwent several surgeries prior to him passing.
He still wanted to provide what the family was accustomed to.
He continued to look out for my siblings and their families.
Still providing cars when needed, rented an apartment and provided a car for my eldest brother and his family when they moved back to Chicago.
He bought complete winter wardrobes for all the children who had moved from a warmer climate.
Still ungrateful little fuck.
My dad past away with quite a few debts. The family home was in the clear but there were bills to be paid.
My younger brother and I picked up the slack and kept the household running. We maintained the family home and we made sure that my mother was taken care of.
The elder siblings did nothing.
Okay let's bring this story up to date.
A few years ago my eldest brother moved back to Chicago after 9/11 with wife number 3 and child number 6.
My mother allowed him to move into the family home until they could get back on their feet. They never offered to pay for anything or help with the upkeep. Finally after months, my mother kicked them out. A year later my eldest brother was back living with my mother because he was divorcing wife number 3. "he had no place to go, what could I do?" stated my mother.
Once again, no contributions were made to the household for over 2 years. No groceries, no house work, no yard work, no rent, no bills paid, not even toilet paper. He quit his job a year ago and started a "religious" gift business and got engaged to a woman who was 22 years younger. She's a freelance videographer and photographer. They met in the church choir. So the traipse around being "churchy" and "born again".
HEY HOW ABOUT SOME DAMN HELP HERE!
I understand your happiness of being "born again" but I think you might be missing some big steps in that process.
My husband and I take care of my mother's household. She is elderly and on a limited budget. We handle her groceries, household upkeep, cable, phone, landscaping, etc. My mother pays for the basic utilities, which can soar here in Chi.
She had gotten herself in trouble with a high interest loan that was gotten to pay off my father's debts. My husband and I corrected the problem but we are now on the new mortgage. Yeah, eke! She can now afford to keep up with her payments and still have a little money left over.
My Father left the house to me.
I have been on the Title of the house for many years, yet I don't flex my muscles too often. I wanted her to feel that it still was her home.
My mother has been in and out of the hospital this year and was diagnosed with liver cancer. She's got great insurance, however the co pays do add up.
We don't want her to worry or stress about the mounting bills.
My husband sent out a text message to all the male members of the family, asking that they all contribute $300 to cover the co-pay.
He worded it "As the men of the family, it would be a great gesture to take on this responsibility".
Only my youngest brother responded.
It's been more than 3 weeks with no other responses.
It seems that the grudge my siblings had against my father has now been passed on to me!
So bringing the story full circle, this is why my second oldest brother has a stick up his ass!
Sorry about the long post, but I had to get some things out there before the wedding update.
The wedding update will be posted this afternoon
What a painfully crazy weekend.
It all started with the arrival of my second eldest brother and his family who had driven up from Georgia for the wedding. He arrived with a stick up his azz as usual, grunting, pouting, and this time ignoring my husband and me.
Now let me try to fill you in on the dynamics of the family.
My mother has 5 children, 3 from her first marriage, and my younger brother and I from the second.
We were all raised by my mother and her second husband (my dad).
The older sibling's father had given up all his parental rights after the divorce.
My dad stepped in to continue raising them.
Unfortunately, my dad spoiled them rotten in an attempt to bey their love and acceptance.
The more they griped the more he gave.
Even after they had left home and started families, he continued to shower them with gifts and they were ungrateful little fucks.
He would purchase cars and large appliances and have them shipped or driven to whatever place in the country my sibling was living.
My eldest brother was given complete furnishings for his apartment after his first wedding.
Baby showers were completely paid for by my dad.
Now, were weren't exactly "well off" but we lived a comfortable life.
My dad was a CPA and a financial wizard and knew how to make things work.
As my father's illness began to take it's toll our financial stability became shaky.
My father's heart began to give and he underwent several surgeries prior to him passing.
He still wanted to provide what the family was accustomed to.
He continued to look out for my siblings and their families.
Still providing cars when needed, rented an apartment and provided a car for my eldest brother and his family when they moved back to Chicago.
He bought complete winter wardrobes for all the children who had moved from a warmer climate.
Still ungrateful little fuck.
My dad past away with quite a few debts. The family home was in the clear but there were bills to be paid.
My younger brother and I picked up the slack and kept the household running. We maintained the family home and we made sure that my mother was taken care of.
The elder siblings did nothing.
Okay let's bring this story up to date.
A few years ago my eldest brother moved back to Chicago after 9/11 with wife number 3 and child number 6.
My mother allowed him to move into the family home until they could get back on their feet. They never offered to pay for anything or help with the upkeep. Finally after months, my mother kicked them out. A year later my eldest brother was back living with my mother because he was divorcing wife number 3. "he had no place to go, what could I do?" stated my mother.
Once again, no contributions were made to the household for over 2 years. No groceries, no house work, no yard work, no rent, no bills paid, not even toilet paper. He quit his job a year ago and started a "religious" gift business and got engaged to a woman who was 22 years younger. She's a freelance videographer and photographer. They met in the church choir. So the traipse around being "churchy" and "born again".
HEY HOW ABOUT SOME DAMN HELP HERE!
I understand your happiness of being "born again" but I think you might be missing some big steps in that process.
My husband and I take care of my mother's household. She is elderly and on a limited budget. We handle her groceries, household upkeep, cable, phone, landscaping, etc. My mother pays for the basic utilities, which can soar here in Chi.
She had gotten herself in trouble with a high interest loan that was gotten to pay off my father's debts. My husband and I corrected the problem but we are now on the new mortgage. Yeah, eke! She can now afford to keep up with her payments and still have a little money left over.
My Father left the house to me.
I have been on the Title of the house for many years, yet I don't flex my muscles too often. I wanted her to feel that it still was her home.
My mother has been in and out of the hospital this year and was diagnosed with liver cancer. She's got great insurance, however the co pays do add up.
We don't want her to worry or stress about the mounting bills.
My husband sent out a text message to all the male members of the family, asking that they all contribute $300 to cover the co-pay.
He worded it "As the men of the family, it would be a great gesture to take on this responsibility".
Only my youngest brother responded.
It's been more than 3 weeks with no other responses.
It seems that the grudge my siblings had against my father has now been passed on to me!
So bringing the story full circle, this is why my second oldest brother has a stick up his ass!
Sorry about the long post, but I had to get some things out there before the wedding update.
The wedding update will be posted this afternoon
Friday, June 3, 2011
Bringing Sexy Back
Sorry I haven't posted in quite some time. Having difficulties with my blogger account. I wasn't even able to post comments on other blogs. It was a bit discouraging.
Life has been very busy over the past week and I was a bit overwhelmed.
My older brother's wedding is tomorrow.
As of yesterday, there still wasn't any info on the reception.
My older sister scrambled to produce a cake.
Started my Lupron for my FET cycle on Wednesday.
Husband and I will be doing a 5K walk for Hope Children's Hospital and the Ronald McDonald House on Sunday. Should be fun, it actually goes past our house.
Today is our Boston Terrier's first birthday!
I made her a cake . My first doggie cake! Kinda came up with the recipe myself!
Used natural peanut butter and bacon!
Hope that no one else tries to eat it.
Bought her a kiddie pool.
Hope to train her to swim so she can eventually graduate to our pool.
Well to the subject of "sexiness".
Despite all the charting, temping, and timed intercourse of the past, my husband and I still had a rather healthy love life. In fact my gynocologist thought we "babydanced" too often.
We still managed to keep the fire burning and had tons of fun.
We were averaging 12-15 times a cycle! And that's with my husband's travel schedule! I still have no idea how the hell we did that. I pull up old charts and I'm actually shocked.
Well, since the missed miscarriage in January, I have found that my enthusiasm is waning.
Don't like this one bit!
I rummage through my head looking for the reason.
I found a few, but no real "eureka!" reason.
One my body has changed so much due to all the A.R.T. cycles.
I can barely squeeze into my sexy lingerie or costumes.
yes costumes
My flat stomach has been replaced with a pooch. No matter how hard I work out, once I start getting results, another fertility cycle starts and the bloaty pooch is back!
My husband says he loves it but I feel like a bowl of jello.
I used to love to shop for lingerie with my husband but now I steer clear of it.
Maybe I need to accept my new body.
I could easily accept it if I were pregnant.
I felt so so sexy when I was pregnant!
Secondly, I think all the hormones and injections have thrown me out of balance.
My drive returns at odd times.
Really odd times, like when I'm doing laundry, when my husband is out of town, or when he's playing Xbox.
And I only desire "quickies", not the long drawn out "production" lovemaking my husband is accustomed to.
It seems that my husband is adverse to quickies no matter how turned on he is.
And he's usually always turned on and willing.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful but, I just want a quick raw burst of passion not the romance book production.
Lately "Production" lovemaking is drains the passion out of the equation.
"Production" sex equals, taking a shower right before, dressing up, dimming the lights, prepping any adult toys that are to be used, putting on some music, etc, etc.
I just want it, when I want it!
My husband said something to me the other night.
He said, "we've got to get you back to the 'sex goddess' you used to be"
Kinda made me feel bad. Am I not living up to my former self?
I've lost my sexiness and I do what it back.
It seems so simple, and yet I can't seem to evoke the spirit of my inner "sex goddess".
Has infertility killed my sex life?!
Promised myself that I would never let this happen.
What can I do to get my sexy back?
Life has been very busy over the past week and I was a bit overwhelmed.
My older brother's wedding is tomorrow.
As of yesterday, there still wasn't any info on the reception.
My older sister scrambled to produce a cake.
Started my Lupron for my FET cycle on Wednesday.
Husband and I will be doing a 5K walk for Hope Children's Hospital and the Ronald McDonald House on Sunday. Should be fun, it actually goes past our house.
Today is our Boston Terrier's first birthday!
I made her a cake . My first doggie cake! Kinda came up with the recipe myself!
Used natural peanut butter and bacon!
Hope that no one else tries to eat it.
Bought her a kiddie pool.
Hope to train her to swim so she can eventually graduate to our pool.
Well to the subject of "sexiness".
Despite all the charting, temping, and timed intercourse of the past, my husband and I still had a rather healthy love life. In fact my gynocologist thought we "babydanced" too often.
We still managed to keep the fire burning and had tons of fun.
We were averaging 12-15 times a cycle! And that's with my husband's travel schedule! I still have no idea how the hell we did that. I pull up old charts and I'm actually shocked.
Well, since the missed miscarriage in January, I have found that my enthusiasm is waning.
Don't like this one bit!
I rummage through my head looking for the reason.
I found a few, but no real "eureka!" reason.
One my body has changed so much due to all the A.R.T. cycles.
I can barely squeeze into my sexy lingerie or costumes.
yes costumes
My flat stomach has been replaced with a pooch. No matter how hard I work out, once I start getting results, another fertility cycle starts and the bloaty pooch is back!
My husband says he loves it but I feel like a bowl of jello.
I used to love to shop for lingerie with my husband but now I steer clear of it.
Maybe I need to accept my new body.
I could easily accept it if I were pregnant.
I felt so so sexy when I was pregnant!
Secondly, I think all the hormones and injections have thrown me out of balance.
My drive returns at odd times.
Really odd times, like when I'm doing laundry, when my husband is out of town, or when he's playing Xbox.
And I only desire "quickies", not the long drawn out "production" lovemaking my husband is accustomed to.
It seems that my husband is adverse to quickies no matter how turned on he is.
And he's usually always turned on and willing.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful but, I just want a quick raw burst of passion not the romance book production.
Lately "Production" lovemaking is drains the passion out of the equation.
"Production" sex equals, taking a shower right before, dressing up, dimming the lights, prepping any adult toys that are to be used, putting on some music, etc, etc.
I just want it, when I want it!
My husband said something to me the other night.
He said, "we've got to get you back to the 'sex goddess' you used to be"
Kinda made me feel bad. Am I not living up to my former self?
I've lost my sexiness and I do what it back.
It seems so simple, and yet I can't seem to evoke the spirit of my inner "sex goddess".
Has infertility killed my sex life?!
Promised myself that I would never let this happen.
What can I do to get my sexy back?
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