My RE Experiences

I'm been thinking about this for a while, but I've been quite busy.
Sometimes I feel absent minded and distracted.
Could be the hormones.
Yes, blame the hormones!

I silently follow a lot of blogs, only commenting when I think I have something useful to pass on.

I learned a lot a lessons with my battle with infertility and I try to pass them on.

My journey into A.R.T. was a reluctant one.
Well, it's a reluctant journey for most of us.
After trying for over 2 years, countless chemical pregnancies(some I don't even acknowledge, and the death of my father in law, I sought help from an RE.
Being in the state of Illinois, I had coverage for IUIs, IVF (4 retrievals), and FETs.
My meds would be covered all long as I didn't exceed 4 egg retrievals.
I walked blindly into my RE's office.
I didn't pay attention to statistics and only went with a referral from my OBGYN.
They had an onsite lab, It was a small practice, they were a close knit group, it was under my insurance...
Plus, it was close to home, no worry about rushing through traffic with a cup full of sperm.

First mistake I made, should have checked the statistics on the SART website.

I thought IUI should be enough, I had gotten pregnant before on my own.
I responded very well to Clomid.
After 4 IUIs, we had no success.
Funny thing, during my monitoring for these cycle, what appeared to be a pocket of fluid appeared on my uterine lining.
RE stated that he didn't find it during my original testing (hsg,hsh,etc)
Each time, the RE decided to continue with these IUI cycles.
After the fourth cycle, we moved on to IVF.

My first IVF cycle was a nightmare.
A few days after stimming, the RE slowed me down.
Then he doubled my dose.
Then he slowed me down.
I had 16 eggs retrieved, only 8 mature ( later I would find out that those eggs were further matured in the lab)
The eggs were not icsi'd.
4 fertilized and didn't divide or cleave.
I was called by the RE the day before my transfer and told that I probably wouldn't have anything to transfer on day three.
I lit four candles and prayed for those eggs.
That morning halfway to the office, I got the call that the eggs had dwindled out.
I was told it was my egg quality.
That was another red flag that I missed.
Being that it was a small practice, the RE tried to schedule all his retrievals and transfers on the same day.
I was at the mercy of scheduling.
He only hired the lab and anesthetist for a few days when he cycled patients together.
Many offices do this, this time it didn't work out too well.
If my reproductive system was a car,  being pushed to 110mph, slamming on the brakes, and then being pushed to 100mph again.
Forgive, I thought this was normal.
Just give me a baby I thought.

My second cycle...RE promised me we would take things slowly.
I started to stim evenly and at a steady pace.
After my first U/S monitoring appt, I was called into the RE's private office.
"I'm scheduling you for hysterosopy to check out that pocket of fluid on your uterus."
Um, shouldn't we have addressed this before I started any of my IVF cycles?
My IVF cycle would be cancelled.
Another red flag?!
Now, in my mind, I was still dealing with the bad egg quality issue.
I had to know how my eggs were.
We decided to go through with the retrieval and possibly freeze any quality eggs for a future FET.
I was a mad woman, I had to know if I had any quality eggs.
Retrieved and icsi'd
By day three, I had 4 quality embryos.
I hoped I would get a chance to freeze them.
The RE decided to go forward with the transfer.
"what about the cyst in my uterus?"
RE stated that he didn't think it would interfere with implantation.
Okay WTF, why did you want to have surgery?
Red flag!
Well, the cycle ended with a BFN and I was off to surgery.
A fairly large and ugly cyst was removed from my uterus.
Yup he said that might have had something to with it.
Dear lord , I was so blinded and desperate, I should have seen the signs and got out when I still had some insurance coverage left.

I went on to have two more fresh cycles with that RE.
One ended with a chemical at 5 weeks and a missed miscarriage and d&c at 12 weeks, that baby had turner syndrome.
I did get pregnant every cycle after the cyst was surgically removed.

Time for a new RE.
I didn't have any  insurance coverage left.
For many years we had saved  for a child.
Just had to dip into that fund.
It was still for the child, just not the way I expected to spend it.
Our best buddy actually helped with researching the new RE.
He had been with us throughout this journey, stepping in for Husband at many appointments, driving me back and forth.
It was decided and I headed off the the biggest A.R.T. firm in the area.
They possessed one of the largest IVF labs in the country.
They did retrievals almost every day of the year, so no cramming me into a cycle schedule, and yet they were so nice to me.
I was treated with so much respect and one on one care.
Who would've thought it.
The RE handling me was so genial and personable.
He told me that he would pull out the big guns for me. lol!
I thought, 'whoa, they're being nice to me because I'm paying cash" lol!
I did most of my earlier appointments at the satellite office a few miles from home.
The major appointments would be Down Town.
The day of my retrieval I learned that the founder of the practice would be doing my procedure.
This fertility center had been established in 1976 before the first IVF(at that time dubbed the testube baby) was successful.
He came into my room before the procedure to talk to me.
He said,"now let's shake because this is the last time you will have to do this"
My goodness, that made me feel so good.
He may have been bullshitting me, but damn, It made me feel good.
Now I keep forgetting the numbers but 18 were retrieved and 14 were mature.
The 14 embryos continued to do well on their own.
By the time of my 5 day transfer, I still had the majority of those eggs growing.
Can you believe that, I was told a year earlier that I had crappy eggs.
2 were transferred but the cycle ended in a BFN.
At first I was floored but I still felt good about that cycle.
I still felt good about the care I received.
I had embies on ice waiting for me and this practice had high FET rates.
I think primarily because they had higher standards of the embies they chose to freeze.
My body was wrecked but I had some snowbabies.

Before starting my FET cycle the RE told me that quality eggs were golden and that he would not transfer any of them into a uterus that wasn't prepared.
When I told him that the cycle had been one of the most pleasant ones for me, he laughed.
Really, it was the first time I got a positive feeling from a medical staff in a long time.

Like I said my body was wrecked and my lining had gone kaput on me.
I had 2 cancelled FET cycles.
The 3rd attempt the RE decided to use a protocol that was not normally used by the practice. It was pioneered my a doctor in Colorado.
This involved estrogen injections and Viagra suppositories.
Expensive as all get out!
It worked my lining perked up and I was good to go
Two previously frozen embryos transferred and I am currently pregnant with twins.
If I have to do this again regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy, I would return to this practice.
I'm not out of the woods, but are we ever out of the woods in this battle.

Now, maybe there is a moral to this story.
maybe it's to trust your gut feelings
maybe it's to do your research before you leap
maybe it's to recognize the red flags ( which I didn't)
maybe it's to not give up or yourself or your body

I don't know, but I felt like sharing today.

19 Weeks Tomorrow, anatomy scan today

Popping in again.
Had my level 2 anatomy scan and the babies looked great.
It was a long procedure.
I'm still fighting a cold and the u/s tech had a hard time taking pics and measurements.
It was almost torture trying to breath without moving my belly too much.
I was breathing so shallow, at one point I thought I would faint.
Babies are thriving and everything was where it was supposed to be.
However, according to this tech baby A is the boy and baby B is a girl.
For minute there we thought our little girl was now a boy. Whew!

Tomorrow we will be going to a huge consignment sale.
It just get realer every day but I still can't wrap my mind around it.

Just Popping In

I'm sorry I haven't stopped in to update.
After my last blog,my close friend lost her mother.
I knew before I played the message on my phone and stared at the icon on my phone for five minutes before pressing it.
After her arrival in Chicago, the drama began.
Despite all the family conflicts, her mother was put to rest in a beautiful ceremony.
The following week my sister's best friend in another state passed away.
She spent the week leading up to the funeral with a bottle of wine evey night.

With so much happening, I guess I didn't have time to obsess and worry about my babies.
I havent googled miscarriage or stillbirth in weeks.
I did google Braxton hicks contractions until my wellness nurse told me that I was feeling the babies move.
Husband and I attended a class at the hospital, Marvelous Multiples.
Learned a little
Husband learned a lot
My appetite is slowly returning however I have a terrible cold and it is kicking my butt.
I didn't get any sleep last night nothing safe to take is helping me.


Tomorrow is my level II ultrasound
I am terrified!
Why can't I ever go into these appointments confidently?
I'll update you tomorrow.

Boy

Sporting The Bump

This past week, I've actually felt pregnant.
Well, I've had symptoms for quite some time but I actually allowed myself to be pregnant.
I do find myself wavering back and forth into the land of denial and anxiety, but this week I allowed myself to feel.
To feel more than an impostor in the land of pregnancy
To feel more than just an unsure visitor
To feel comfortable enough to look to the future rather than week to week

I knew my body was changing but, it just wasn't quite enough until someone else noticed it.
Maybe it's because I saw my babies and know their genders.
I can feel my babies move in me.
I know it's not gas.
I think I feel both.
The feeling have brought me so much joy and have eased some of my anxieties, though sometimes I hope it isn't my mind playing a cruel joke on me.

Last week I made my first major purchase.
Using husbands Amex rewards points, I purchased a package of swaddling blankets, 4 pacifiers, and 2 cases of newborn diapers on Amazon.com.
Waves of anxiety rushed over me as I clicked to complete the transaction, Whew!

The next day I took my first trip ever to BabiesRUs.
I was lost.
It wasn't as fun as I thought, it was overwhelming!
I took notes and priced items I may need.
I know one thing, I won't be buying at BabiesRUs!
I probably won't register there either.

Husband told mother-in-law the babies' names. Of course she complained.
"No, no, no!", in English, the rest in Polish.
Someone from her old village had my baby boy's name and someone here in Chicago has my baby girl's name as a nickname.
WTF!
I've had these names picked out since I started TTC, years ago.
Tough titties!
When I saw my babies last week on the 3d ultrasound, I called them by name.
They are finally my babies.

To quote my dear friend Kez
"..with 7 billion people on the planet, there's not much likelihood of your kids having names no one else has..unless you name them Xyrkml and Gughureter..and even they're probably taken"

Made me laugh my butt off last night before bed! Love that girl!!!

Today I bought a few more maternity pieces.
I wandered through the aisles freely.
Can you believe that!
Wandered into the baby department and had an impulse buy!
UHOHH!
Too cute, too reasonable to pass up.
$12.99 and $8.99 hats included.

I quickly hid them in the guest bedroom closet with the receipt attached.
Some old habits die hard.
It was a scary purchase for me.
I'm allowing myself to dream again.
In the words of my therapist, "why do you have to have your own permission to do something?"
Makes sense, but it's so hard to let go of the restrictions I have placed on myself due my past experiences.