Monday, June 25, 2012

Happy 6th Anniversary

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary.
We both almost forgot but remembered during childbirth class yesterday.
I woke up this morning feeling so lost, not sure what I should be doing today.
One car has a flat tire and Husband has the other.
Husband is feeling lost and blue also.
We've slowed up just enough for the emotions to seep through.
It's finally hitting me hard.
At 10 am every morning I called my mom. every morning and she always answered, even the day before she passed away.
After every doctor's appointment whether it was my RE, therapist, GP , or OBgyn, she was the first person I called.
Every time I walked into my own house I called her to let her know I was okay.
At 9pm every night we always called each other to say 'goodnight'

Last week when I walked out of my U/S, a pulled my i-phone out of my pocket and I had no one to call.
I didn't make any copies of my u/s pics because I had no one to give them to.
Every morning she would ask how the babies behaved as I slept, did they kick, did they shift, what did I feed them this morning.

She promised me she would be here and I feel like it's my fault for waiting so long to start ttcing.
My father promised me he would live to hold my first, but he didn't make it to see my 24th birthday.
I thought she would get to hold them.
She always told me I would have twins. She saw them in her dreams. She believed when I couldn't.

Now I look at this picture and I see her in the blue dress I buried her in. I can barely see the keyboard I am typing on through my tears.

I feel so lost

Friday, June 22, 2012

So busy, Too tired

There is so much that I would like to share with you but I've been too too busy and now getting too too tired easily.

I am 32 weeks and the twins look great. They are doing well despite how stressed I have been. I really need some rest and soon.
Belly is measuring bigger than 40 weeks and I am hoping to squeeze in a maternity photo shoot before they make their arrival.
My nursery is not set up yet and I no longer have the energy to do it.
Painted the upstairs office so Husband could move the junk out of the nursery.
I think I overdid it.
I had my baby shower last Sunday and it was a pretty sad turn out. ( it had been cancelled and the date moved due to the funeral, but my heart was still broken. Hey I waited a long time for a child, and I really looked forward to the shower after all the grief of the past few weeks)

I'll hopefully be back soon to share more with you about all the drama, but I had a bit of a breakthrough this morning.

I'll share what I posted on facebook today.
During my mother's battle with cancer, there was a doctor that bent the rules and did whatever he could to prolong he life and keep her comfortable. He was always willing to take our calls at any time and push through referrals to get prodedures done that probaly would have been denied due to her being in hospice. He wasn't even her primary doctor. I just wrote him a thank you note and am on the way to his office. Now after all the stupid shit certain family members attempted to put me through, the anger is finally waning and I feel like I might finally be able to grieve.


Saturday, June 2, 2012

Mother 1928-2012

My mother passed away early this morning. Peacefully in her sleep. She was almost 84 years old. I am posting her age because my mother gave birth to me well into her 40s. After marrying for the 2nd time she gave birth to me over a year later after trying. This is one of the reasons I never gave up trying. I hope that it gives someone else inspiration to not give up or listen to that "too old" crap.