Long time no hear

Sorry I haven't posted. 

Life can be a little hectic when you have twin babies. 

Both are still healthy and thriving and I have 1 walker. 

Tons of teeth and still more childproofing to be done. 

My husband is under a lot of stress at work so almost all if the household duties. Well, to think about it, yes all of the household duties as well as caring for the twins. 

He's getting some help with his stress now. 

Although my TTC days are over, I love being there for others. 

When I decided to seek medical help to conceive. I joined a group of gals. Called ourselves "TTC 37+". 

All but 1 conceived and have given birth. The other 1 is expecting a baby through adoption later this year. 

It's been a year since I lost my mother and things are finally slowing down a bit and I'm really starting to feel the loss. 

41 years old and I feel like an orphan. 

I was childless for so long that I sometimes feel that these beautiful babies aren't mine. 

It feels as if I've been given someone else's beautiful children to take care of. 

Well these little one are turning 1 next Tuesday and their birthday party is tomorrow. 

Never thought I would get the chance to plan a birthday party for my own babies!!

I will stop the gabbing and let the pictures tell the story. 

Thank You Dr. L

So sorry for not being back sooner.
The twins are a full-time job and a half.
At a little over 6 months old they both teethed early and with all the crankiness and drool, both are sporting their 2 bottom teeth!!

I'm taking time out of all the hustle and bustle to remember someone who helped make my family possible.

I received a letter from FCI in early January.
The one doctor that believed in me is no longer with us.
He was the doctor that didn't give up.
He was the one doctor that respected my eggs more than I did by refusing to transfer them to a less than ideal uterus.

He was the only doctor that ever told me that my eggs were golden.

He took the time to talked to me when my mother was dealing with her liver cancer. He shared how he dealt with his father's cancer struggle. He held my hand when he saw me concerned.

When the time came to transfer my only 2 frozen embryos, he wanted to be the one to do it. FCI is a huge practice with all doctors capable of the transfer but he wanted to be there for us.

Early in my pregnancy, he told us that we had nothing to worry about. He told us that these babies were for keeps.
He was the coolest dude.
He helped us achieve our dream and I am forever grateful.

Dr. L passed away on January 8 th 2013.

Thank you Dr. L
Thank you for helping us achieve our dream of a family.
Thank you for taking such good care of those 2 little embryos.
Those 2 embies are 2 healthy smiling six month olds.

God bless you

Quick update with pics

Twins were baptized
And behaved beautifully in November

Asha got her first tooth a week before turning 5 months.

Roman is still working on his.

Made and mailed my first family Christmas card. Actually first time mailing Christmas cards in several years.

Still working on the minivan issue with husband. This is driving me out of my fraking mind!!!

So much to blog about.

I will be back but I leave you with pictures.

PTSD?

I've been thinking about this for months, and I do believe that women with infertility, who have suffered from miscarriages, and even women pregnant after infertility suffer from this.
Not to downplay people who have been diagnosed with this or suffer life threatening experiences, but I do believe that I suffer from this or a form of this.

After an early morning feeding, I decided to refer to Dr. Google.

I found several articles suggesting this.
Maybe talk therapy should be included more in ART/fertility treatments.

Just a thought

http://ivftraveler.wordpress.com/2010/07/06/ptsd-of-infertility/

http://www.lapalomatreatment.com/blog/can-infertility-cause-ptsd/

Miracles Can Happen...even after 4+ years

The first picture was taken as we drove into the city exactly a year ago to pick up my babies.
Its been a year since I brought my miracles home.
Exactly a year!!
Today I hold my miracles in my arms.
I have no other place to share this story.
I stare at the pictures and I still cry over my ice babies.
I cry even as I look at their faces smiling back at me now.
These are my miracles!
So what! science helped me!
They are still miracles from God!
I took a cheapo home pregnancy test at the 3 days after the transfer.
I was silly! very silly!
Took the test and there was a strong line!
"this shit must be broken!"
Did another, heck I had 50 of them!
Positive!
Another
Positive!
Came close to asking husband to pee on one to be sure.
I look at the picture of my thawed embryos and swear I know which is which.
I almost see their faces as I look at this picture.
Difficult to imagine that from a deep freezer came life.
Beautiful life came from a laboratory.
How strange!
How beautiful!
How awesome is God to give man the gift of intelligence and guide him to do wondrous things through science!
I remember that day!
I watch the embryos being drawn into the syringe on the huge screen

The nurses exclaimed" look they are hatching you're going to have twins!"
What a wonderful wonderful dream...and it came true!

I look at them today and it is hard to imagine that these funny little balls of love, smiles, and laughs came from something that was once frozen. Frozen for months.
How is that possible?
It's hard to wrap my mind around it. Thank God!

The Infertility Closet

First, I apologize if this blog is messy today. Typed it with one hand.

Now that I've gone through my journey to conceive my children and although my journey has ended, infertility still affects my life.

Recently, I have been placed into an infertility closet. I choose not to be, but my husband and my mother-in-law have forced me into it.

A few weeks ago I went to check out used cars. We are in desperate need of a new car for our little family. I went to carmax to see a wide variety of vehicles. The salesman I met was a nice older gentleman whose daughter was expecting twins. It was still early and he proudly presented a 7 week ultrasound picture.

He was excited and anxious to ask me questions.
His first and only grandchildren. Maybe it's something about my face, people like to tell me their stories.
The gentleman began to tell me how his daughter struggled for so long trying to conceive a child. Finally she and her husband came to him and his wife and ask for a loan in order to attempt an IVF procedure. They had tried everything else. He and his wife did not give them a loan, they gifted them the money for their IVF procedure. He went on to tell me that his daughter went through so much. He never knew there was so many medications and injections. after her retrieval only two eggs remained ,only two eggs fertilize, two eggs transferred. she was blessed to be pregnant with twins. She was still in the early stages however I believe that it will be a successful pregnancy.
He was so anxious to share this with me. $15000 babies he called them with glee. The salesman was so happy and so overjoyed to share his daughter's story. So proud!

I wanted to pour my heart out to this man. But I felt there have been invisible shackles placed upon my lips. I wondered and I worry what if my husband came to the salesman and the salesman let him know that I told about our infertility struggles. To me I felt no shame in telling the man what I gone through and sharing my struggles and sharing my trials. I felt that it was so unfair that these restraints have been placed upon me by my husband and my mother-in-law.I love to help people and I love talking to kindhearted people.

Slowly I began to open up. Had to, it was in my heart. I felt as if God placed me in this position and brought me to this man to share my struggles and share my journey. I wanted to give hope to them.I felt shame not ashamed of having to have IVF are going through infertility but the shame of not being forthright with this man. I began to slowly tell him bits and pieces of my own story and my own journey. I think he understood why I had to be quiet about the situation. It was a beautiful thing that this fellow was so proud of his daughter for her struggles that she went through to bring more lives into their family. I wish others could be as proud and as forthcoming when it comes to things like the silence of infertility.

I do not like this infertility closet that I have been forced into. I do understand why some have concerns about it.
There are very few weak minded individuals that find it comical or blasphemous to seek help in producing children.

Why is society so twisted in this way?
A strange day and age in which sexual promiscuity is accepted. Public drunkenness is excepted infidelity is excepted and where fertility is something to joke, snicker and pity about.
Why is that?
why is it a word that is spoken behind closed doors?
Why should I feel shame for something that I hadn't brought onto myself?
no one wishes to bring on themselves.
I have overcome this! I fought my ass off in this battle with infertility! I was challenged and I won!
Now I have to be ashamed and hide not because of my own feelings but because of how society views it.
It does not make me less of a woman. It does not make me look pitiful in God's eyes. I am triumphant!
I struggled but I finally got to the end of the finish line in that race.

I have a beautiful picture of the two embryos that were placed in my womb. These are my children. But my husband won't ever allow me to tell our children.
Will they feel inadequate strange odd because society deems them "artificial"? I would hate to burden them with the stigma that may be attached to their conception.

They were loved, they were wanted, they were plan,they were desired. They were conceived in the act of love just as many other children are. I love them so much and I see them as gifts from God.

Man may have had a hand in creating them but doesn't man always have a hand in creating children. God gives us his tools for reason.

For now I am in infertility closet. But I will venture out when my heart tells me too. hopefully one day I can come out of infertility closet confidently and be excepted.

Twin Spam October

14 weeks old!

Brain Vomit, purging my brain

There are so many things I would like to blog about.
Ive been coming to terms with a lot of things and couldn't pin down just one to blog about.
I'm ready to let go of my psrent's hoouse.
It's just a house now, my parents live in my heart and my mind.
Holding on to it might hurt our little family financially.
I don't want to risk my children's future, financial security, and safety.
We are in desperate need of a new vehicle. We are in need of a safe vehicle for our family. We have taken care of my Mother's household for several years while she was living. Now it is time for us to focus on this new chapter in our life. Sometimes it feels as if I was in purgatory for several years waiting to move on and move up. We are alive again. I know this would've made my mother happy and she would have wanted this for us.
My mother loved to journal. She wrote every day. I've recently have been scanning through some of her notebooks. So much wisdom and insight grace these pages. She wrote about the past and of things to come. She wrote of how my sister would have to deal with what she had done in the past.

At the moment my older sister and my younger brother are living there and are driving each other nuts.

My older sister is 14 years older than I am and my youngest brother is 5 years younger than I am.
He was legally adopted by my mother and father at the age of 2. He is their child and no one else's.
My mother wrote of this and as recent as the week before her death she stressed this. She stated," this is my son. My child!"
Biologically, he is my sister's first born.
She was a troubled teen and was skipping school. One day she was caught by a truancy officer in a house with a bunch of boys.
Thinking that city life was corrupting her, My parents quickly shipped her to my grandmother who lived in a smaller town. Grandma didn't take any shit and everybody knew each other.
Well a few months later my sister was begging to come home. She stepped off the plane months pregnant having hid it quite well from my grandmother because if grandma had found out, she would no longer be breathing. Wanted a late term abortion but then decided she would give the child up for adoption.
My father could not bear for my mothers first grandchild to be adopted away. They had always wanted another child to raise with me but stopped trying because of the risks. My father was 50 and my mother was 43 when I was born.
My sister vowed to better herself and was in a nurses training program shortly after giving birth to him. Failed a physical during training because she was pregnant again. Wanted to give this second child up for adoption. The biological father's family stepped in to adopt this child, a girl. My sister then went off to the military and would disappeer for years at a time. They had custody of this child until she was snatched by my sister a few years later. This poor child was snatched from a lovely couple who doted on her and lived for her. This little girl grew up in the inner city and went on to continue the cycle of irresponsibility. Giving birth to her first child at 15 and having a child almost every year. By the time she was 30 she had 8 children.
My sister went on to have 3 more children. Up to the late 90's when were unaware of the 2nd girl that was given up for adoption. This child had been searching for her birthmother. She was blessed to have been adopted by a wonderful couple. The adoptive father was a secret service agent. This young lady now works for the secret service herself.
Over the years , my parents would sometimes have custody of 2 more of the children when my sister would surface.
To get back to the situation of my parents house. My sister is there with my younger adopted brother and he is not giving her any sympathy for what or how she lived throughout the years. She is trying to force a relationship and calling him her son. He hates hates hates this. She has grown jealous of the relationship that he had with my mother. At the funeral she realized how the children that she did raise regarded my mother as their "mother". Because of this she lashes out at him. Calling him names and disrespecting him. She tries to degrade him. Every morning there is a new and stupid conflict. She hasn't a job and spends all day watching reality shows and gossiping on the phone. She has befriended my brothers ex girlfriends and calls them to gossip about him. She will never grow up or grow a brain. She lives for conflict and it's time for her to go.
I can't be a mother for my grown siblings. Its time for me to be the mother of my own little family.

The Big 41!

Sorry I haven't posted sooner but silly me just figured out there was an app that I could use to blog.

Now it should be easier!

Well I turned 41 on Sunday!
I spent my first night away from the twins. Husband took me out to dinner and drinks with a hotel stay overnight.
My lovely sister in law took care of the twins.
It was an early date night. I was in bed by 9 pm!!
Husband and I had our first postpartum romp in the sheets.
I was terrified that things didn't work anymore down there.
After the partial hysterectomy I thought " one big orgasm, and I'll probably die!"
Really I did!
But, everything still works!!!
And it was fun!!!!!
Had a great night sleep, woke up early and was ready to get back to my babies!
Really, forget about breakfast, I want my Babies!!
It's great when you find someone who really loves your babies to babysit.
My sister in law really dotes on them.
They were clean and cute like little birthday presents.

Right now I don't feel like I'm getting older.
Maybe I'm not stressing about it.
Heck I haven't colored my grey since may.
I really havent noticed it.
Maybe too busy
Maybe other things matter so much more.

Okay time for twin pics, if I can figure it out.

2 months old

Sorry I havent blogged sooner. I prefer to blog from my desktop computer rather than my iPhone. Being busy with the twins, I have no desire to go into the office and get sidetracked with other things. We are doing great. Doing most of the work on my own with a little help 1 or 2 days a week from my niece. The babies have gotten so big and healthy. My little guy is over 11lbs and baby sister is almost nine but I haven't weighed her this week. They are out of newborn diapers and clothing. Hello size 0-3 months!!! So much joy when they can't fit something. I am still pumping breastmilk but their diet is mostly formula with breastmilk supplementation. Made myself a bra to hold the pumps in place leaving my hands free. There was one in the store for $40 but I created one for myself using an old sports bra. Actually using it now. Getting things done believe it or not. The only things not being done are just icing on the cake. I really would love to get my hair colored to cover the gray strands that I acquired during the past stressful months. Nothing more serious than that. Missing my mom terribly and would like to take the twins to the gravesite. Still doesn't feel real without her. Ive been following the blogs as much as possible and I see your joys and your sorrows. I wish I had more time to comment and reach out to you ladies. You are all in my thoughts. I've had one close friends told that her beta was negative only to find out that the lab had made a horrible mistake. She's in the early weeks of her pregnancy and our fingers are crossed for a sticky bean. Another friend is hopefully on her away to an IVF vacation. I can't wait for those babies. Each outfit the twins outgrow I place aside for those babies. I'm excited to see them become mothers. I'm excited to pass on those outfits to my IF sisters. One thing, I'm desperately trying to convince husband to let me buy a minivan or suv. I'm terrified putting the twins in one of our cars. You never stop worrying even after they are here. So much more to tell you So much more to talk about. Hope to back soon Forgot to add I called my old RE's office, the guy that I went to for over a year mr. Pessimism, to tell the nurses that I had finally had babies. You know something, I broke into a cold sweat dialing the number. So many old feelings poured out. I don't think you ever get over the struggle of infertility. I still dream of peesticks and miscarriage. Even after I wake up, I still feel the pain.

One Month Old, and Other things to Celebrate

The twins are one month old and we are doing fine.
I've has a little help, but most of the time I am on my own and things are working out.
Yes, I am so so tired, but I have adapted so far.
Years of being a slave to the airline industry have conditioned me to keep going.
Being with my newborns remind me a lot of being a flight attendant on a full flight, and were I used to work, every flight was full.
Gimme a drink!
I'm cold!
I'm wet!
What's the delay?
I"m going to vomit!
I can't wait I have to use the lavatory.
Just adapt that to little people.
I finally get to work my butt off for people whom I adore.
I adore the little ones!!

As far as postpartum, I made it this far with only 2 episodes of crying spells.
Not really postpartum, just morning the absence of my mother.
My baby girl looks so much like I did.
When I hold her my heart and mind go to the thought of my mother holding me.
I think She would have appreciated the babies more than even I do.
So hard not to have my mother to call when I am just amazed by the simple things about these babies.
My therapist says, I'm managing and coping well.
There will be a time when I will fully mourn the loss of so much.
Doing pretty well for a woman who has lost a mother, given birth to twins, and lost her uterus in 3 months.
Scary to actually type that.

I've lost 50lb so far, it just kinda dropped off.
I was carrying around a lot of fluid, I now realize that.
If only I could get down to my pre-IVF weight!!

Back to back fertility cycles are a killer on the figure!!

I'm still weak from the surgery and blood loss.

Surprised about still feeling this way.

I guess my body has been through so much and I'm in denial.

I'll be back to gab more.

I will not be leaving my blog and I will continue to blog about TTC and ART despite the fact I will no longer able to myself.

I'm still your "Sister in TTC, Sister in IF"

Here's the twins newborn portraits taken when they were a couple weeks old.

The Quick Rundown...The Birth Story

Sorry this has to be quick today but I was anxious to get this blog out.

Monday July 16,2012, I woke up for my usual 530am pee break, did my business, crawled back into bed, positioned my pillow and passed gas. It was a relieving fart, should have known it felt too good.

Having your water break feels just like that. I felt as if a balloon inside of me filled with water had just gone sploosh.

I sat up immediately and told my husband that my water had broken and to get ready.  I remember him saying this was it. 

Just the day before we had finished one of my belly casts and had my teenage nephew over to help with the small things we wanted to get done before that week so we could try to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy.  The babies had other plans.

Husband went to the guest bedroom to tell my nephew that my water has broken and we were leaving.  Turns out he didn't hear one word Husband was saying.

By 620am, we were at the ER at our hospital and by 700am I was in a gown lying in 'labor and delivery'.

I wasn't contracting and I wasn't dilated. Never will know why my water broke but I begin to think that things might not have gone so well, in a matter of speaking, if I had gone into full labor on my own.

854am Roman was born via c-sec 4lbs 15
855am Asha 4lbs3

Both screaming and breathing on their own. I told my husband to stay with the babies. To follow them wherever they took them.

I think that was when I realized things were starting to go wrong.
As the nurses brought each baby over to me and pressed them to my cheek, I heard the Dr. yell out that I needed blood to one of the nurses and my blood type. Th anesthesiologist spoke to me and told me I would be going to sleep. I remember the Dr. telling me that if they couldn't get my uterus to contract and the bleeding to stop they would have to take my uterus. The rest is a blur and I woke up in recovery with Husband telling me that I was snoring.

I had a hysterectomy to save my life. According to the doctor, I had lost over 3 liters of my blood and my uterus failed to contract. Later a doctor told me it may have been due to how one of my placentas had attached. I still had my ovaries and everything else. No hormones to be replaced just no period because i had no uterus.

I'll update you all once i have my followup appt.

Kinda a hard recovery for me but the babies never went to the NICU. They spent whatever time I was able to take care of them with me.  Asha had a day of phototherapy for jaundice and both babies were put on a higher calorie formula.

I came home on Friday July 20th and the babies followed me home the next day.
It's unbelievable that they let babies that Small come home if everything else is fine. Both babies scored 9's when born.

It's still a bit difficult for me to get around but my legs are much better and the swelling in my body has gone down. Pumping and building up milk supplies for the babies.

Okay, time for pictures.

Twins are here!

My babies are here and doing well. Baby A was 4lbs15 and baby B was 4lbs3. Both are going great. No nicu or 02. I however had an emergency hysterectomy to save my life. Trying to recover. The twins were born via csec after my water broke on Monday 7/16/2012, 545am. 3 hours later I had 2 babies. Still at hospital. Can't figure put how to post pic

Let the pictures tell a story

 These are my A.R.T. socks. I think I wore them to at least 2 retrievals and 3 transfers and my first few ultrasounds. They are Battle worn. I never took a pic of them or described them to any of my IF buddies.

 Yesterday I received these darling outfits from my close circle of IF sisters. They had no idea about my good luck monkey socks. Isn't that kind of funny how things work. Can't even question it.

 There were times when I could never picture us like this even if I tried to force myself.
But Wow! We are here. Who would have thunk!

There were so many days that I couldn't even imagine having a belly with even one baby in it.

I thought my body wouldn't allow me to experience this.

I still look at my belly moving and almost doubt that it's part of me.

I gave up every month but reluctantly dragged myself back into the battle sometimes kicking and screaming.

I thought all that was hard but wait...

 Are they going to Cubs fans or White Sox fans?

Random Thoughts and cake...a quick post

My shower was a few weeks ago. It was originally planned for June 10th but my mother passed away the week before.
Because my shower was held in a restaurant, we weren't allowed to bring in any outside baked goods.
My mother was a bit let down about this and began searching for a cake for us to have with the family.
She kept telling my husband and sister to find me a cake.
After she passed away we found a check she had written to pay for the cake.
It made me cry and I just cancelled the check and forgot all about a cake. My mind was elsewhere.
Sunday afternoon, Husband surprised me with this lovely cake.
All I could say was "pretty, pretty!" and jump up and down.
My baby girl's name is misspelled but it didn't matter. It should read "Asha and Roman"
I was so overjoyed and didn't want to cut it. lol!
I think mom would have been please with this cake. I went to bed so happy last night.


A couple of days ago while cleaning out the office files, I found my old paper BBT charts.
I always kept a paper journal of my ttc and and electronic one.
I looked at  meticulous I was and wow, how much bding we were doing.
Broke into a crying spell.
I looked at the end of some of those charts to see the bfns I had recorded and the plummeting bbt.
I felt each one that I read.
Honestly, I think that I have PTSD from my infertility battle.
Maybe I am sensitive, but I believe that it does leave a mark on your life whether you succeed in your quest of motherhood or give up.
Part of you has been greatly touched.
I'm not one of those women that forget about the struggle or the struggle of others.

I have contracted another cold or bug despite it being record degrees hot here in Chicago.
Off to the doctor, hope to chat again later.
Maternity photo shoot pics to come later this week.

Happy 6th Anniversary

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary.
We both almost forgot but remembered during childbirth class yesterday.
I woke up this morning feeling so lost, not sure what I should be doing today.
One car has a flat tire and Husband has the other.
Husband is feeling lost and blue also.
We've slowed up just enough for the emotions to seep through.
It's finally hitting me hard.
At 10 am every morning I called my mom. every morning and she always answered, even the day before she passed away.
After every doctor's appointment whether it was my RE, therapist, GP , or OBgyn, she was the first person I called.
Every time I walked into my own house I called her to let her know I was okay.
At 9pm every night we always called each other to say 'goodnight'

Last week when I walked out of my U/S, a pulled my i-phone out of my pocket and I had no one to call.
I didn't make any copies of my u/s pics because I had no one to give them to.
Every morning she would ask how the babies behaved as I slept, did they kick, did they shift, what did I feed them this morning.

She promised me she would be here and I feel like it's my fault for waiting so long to start ttcing.
My father promised me he would live to hold my first, but he didn't make it to see my 24th birthday.
I thought she would get to hold them.
She always told me I would have twins. She saw them in her dreams. She believed when I couldn't.

Now I look at this picture and I see her in the blue dress I buried her in. I can barely see the keyboard I am typing on through my tears.

I feel so lost

So busy, Too tired

There is so much that I would like to share with you but I've been too too busy and now getting too too tired easily.

I am 32 weeks and the twins look great. They are doing well despite how stressed I have been. I really need some rest and soon.
Belly is measuring bigger than 40 weeks and I am hoping to squeeze in a maternity photo shoot before they make their arrival.
My nursery is not set up yet and I no longer have the energy to do it.
Painted the upstairs office so Husband could move the junk out of the nursery.
I think I overdid it.
I had my baby shower last Sunday and it was a pretty sad turn out. ( it had been cancelled and the date moved due to the funeral, but my heart was still broken. Hey I waited a long time for a child, and I really looked forward to the shower after all the grief of the past few weeks)

I'll hopefully be back soon to share more with you about all the drama, but I had a bit of a breakthrough this morning.

I'll share what I posted on facebook today.

During my mother's battle with cancer, there was a doctor that bent the rules and did whatever he could to prolong he life and keep her comfortable. He was always willing to take our calls at any time and push through referrals to get prodedures done that probaly would have been denied due to her being in hospice. He wasn't even her primary doctor. I just wrote him a thank you note and am on the way to his office. Now after all the stupid shit certain family members attempted to put me through, the anger is finally waning and I feel like I might finally be able to grieve.

Mother 1928-2012

My mother passed away early this morning. Peacefully in her sleep. She was almost 84 years old. I am posting her age because my mother gave birth to me well into her 40s. After marrying for the 2nd time she gave birth to me over a year later after trying. This is one of the reasons I never gave up trying. I hope that it gives someone else inspiration to not give up or listen to that "too old" crap.

My Mother's Health

When I named this blog, the letting go part referred to many things. I had been through a devastating miscarriage after several ART cycles and my mothers health was starting to become an issue. A lot of things to wrap my mind around at that time. My mother has liver cancer. She's had many close call since the diagnosis. Many times we came close. We had a pleasant period from last October until a few weeks ago. She gained andaintained her weight and was stable. The jaundice was coming back and the stint was replaced in march and then again last week. The doctor noticed that the tumor had grown greatly in a very short period of time. We can only count on her stint to keep the jaundice away and keep her comfortable. A few nights ago she developed a fever due to a urinary track infection. The fever was brought under control and she was prescribed antibiotics. Last night her fever returned and brought under control again. Today she was disorientated and hardly able to walk. The nurse told me that it takes time for the antibiotics to fight the infection and it will have to run it's course. The nurse also said this may be the final decline in her health. Can't say I am surprised but silly me thought I had just a little more time. I knew our time was limited but now I worry that she might not even make it to The birth. Hard stuff to wrap my head around.

Belly Picture!

It seems that I over came my shyness about posting a belly picture.

I'm 27 weeks and 6 days.

Husband just can't seem to take a decent photo that include a human being in it.

It's like the man is taking pictures of the wall behind me or the furniture.

Well  husband is spending the night at my mother-in-law's and I got the itch to see if I could take a better pic all by myself.

This was taken with the digital camera, timer, and a halogen work light from the garage.

Oh, and my Furbaby was lying by my feet chewing on a toy at the same time.

Oh, and please ignore the lovely stack of books on my nightstand.

I just finished the new Charlaine Harris novel and it sucked!

( I waited a whole year for that, that goodness True Blood has a new season in June)

I just wanted a belly pic showing how I felt.

Despite my anxiety, acid reflux, heartburn, carpal tunnel, and swollen feet, I Feel Sexy!!

Please excuse this 40 year old for wanting to look sexy in a belly pic. lol!

You know what's great about it, you don't have to suck in your belly when you take pregnancy photos!

We suck in the gut for so long that we almost don't know when to let go.

It was a fun distraction.

I had been feeling a bit anxious and down today.

Tomorrow, my mother is having another stint replaced in her liver.

The liver cancer creates a mucus that clogs the liver so to keep her comfortable it's important to keep replacing the stints.

The time between stint replacement was drastically reduced this time.

Some times we are lucky, and the stint will last almost 6 months. sometimes only 2.

I have to remember that this procedure buys us more time to be with our mother.

At the beginning of this pregnancy, I worried that my mother would not be here to see her grandchildren.

I now know that she will be there.

It's hard to try and mentally prepare yourself for what might happen or when.

The procedure is done with a scope down the throat and is fairly quick but it is a torturous wait.

I'm almost paralyzed with fear the whole time, while my older sister spends the time searching menus on the web because she's only focused on what she's going to eat once we leave the hospital.

Eat, I could almost vomit from the anxiety.

Eating is her way to deal with Everything.

Happy, eat

Sad, eat

mad, eat

bored, eat

grocery shopping, eat

took a walk, eat

You would think she was having twins too.

I'm rambling again.

Please keep my mom in your prayers.

Goodnight