Sticks and Stones Break My Bones, But Words Can Also Hurt Me?

Please excuse my jumbled thoughts, Perhaps I may get my message across.


Something has been in the back of my mind for a few weeks.

Throughout my TTC journey, I have heard many women say "speak no negativity over my body" or something of the sort.

Even though I had heard this before many times, I never put it into practice myself.

I am so guilty of beating the crap out of myself during my attempts and failures while trying to conceive and carry our first child.

I will probably be guilty of this during this cycle also.

At my former fertility specialist's office, I rarely got positive feedback.
In fact, Dr. Negative seemed reluctant to give credit when credit was due.

It was always, "you've had this many eggs retrieved but..., we transferred these eggs, but..., your beta is positive, but.., your age is a huge factor!", etc, etc, ETC!!

Felt like the guy never had anything nice to say!

Fast forward to my new specialist

Now regardless of the outcome of the cycle, I can say that I have been treated in such a positive manner!

The nurses where aware of my past IVF cycles and were nothing but positive in my treatment.

The doctor that performed my egg retrieval came to talk to me before the procedure.
He said, "Let's agree that this is the last time you have to do this. Let's shake on it."

Whew ,I'm not used to me treated like this! Is someone coming through that little side door to beat me over the head?

After my retrieval, while in my post anesthesia fog, a nurse patted my shoulder and said, "you did a good job sweetie"

Who the heck is she talking to? Oh she's talking to me! It's because I paid cash isn't it?

I had grown too accustomed to negativity.

I brace for impact anytime a medical professional nears.


Then, last week, I read my dear buddy Kim's blog.

My heart lurched when I read that her doctor called her an "anomaly", crushing her spirits and causing her to feel so badly about herself.

Made me mad! I wanted to choke her "Dr. Wacko"
Like a child, I wanted to yell "Dr. Wacko, you hurt my friend. You're a bad bad man!"

She is doing so much to make and keep herself healthy. I think she does more than that Dr. does for himself. 

Kim,don't let his negative words touch you again!

I've got your back sister!

Then I thought about a scene in a really cool movie I once owned.

Someone has my copy and I want it back!

It was Called "What the bleep Do We Know?"

There are many messages contained withing the movie, but one comes to mind when dealing with all this.

It was about the power of words and thoughts. It referred to an experiment that Dr. Emoto conducted on water.

Water crystals displayed different properties based on the words or emotions directed towards them.

My favorite line from the scene is "If thoughts can do that to water, imagine what our thoughts can do to us"

Now, can't say that I have mastered this, but you and I must remember to not be so hard on ourselves in this struggle.

No matter the outcome.
We need to not think or say these negative things about ourselves.
We need to remember to love ourselves, despite how angry we might want to feel towards our bodies.

Easier said than done, right?

There will be times that I may need you to remind me of this.

Let's try to be good to ourselves today, Despite what is happening.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMfCvdyaNGQ

Quick Egg Transfer Update

Taking a quick break from bedrest,

Yesterday morning I had 2 blasts transferred!


For the first time, I had embies left at the time of transfer.

Twenty minutes ago, the embryologist called to tell me that 2 blasts survived the freezing process.

I have 2 snow babies!

Yeah!!!!!

This is a first for me!

Heading back to the couch so my embies have a chance to implant!

Thank You Lord for my embies!

Please let them be healthy and implant!

Fertilization Report Update

Just popping in.

My mother came home from the hospital last night and is doing well at home.

Nervously waited all morning for my fertilization report.

The call came at 2:00pm

18 eggs retrieved
15 eggs ICSI"D
12 embies thriving!

The nurse left the message on my cellphone. Made my day when she said. "YOU did really well! You've got 12 embryos!"

I almost cried!

Dear Lord,
Thank you for bringing my mother home!
Thank you that she is feeling better!
Thank you for the good report!
And Lord, Please watch over my embies!

Egg Retrieval and Bittersweet news

Just a quick post before my pain meds take over.

Last night my mother's doctor called me with the "goodnew/badnews".

My mother's infection is clearing up well and her liver is functioning fine.

She should be able to come home soon.

Badnews, the biopsy of the blockage removed showed bile duct cancer. Doctor states it is slow moving and that it hadn't showed up in previous biopsies.

I'm in a weird shock.

We just have to take it one day at a time and figure out a "game" plan.

Didn't sleep.

Egg retrieval this morning.

18 retrieved. Just praying for a few good eggs.

It's difficult to be excited today.

My Little Sanctuary

I awaken in my sanctuary or in other words, my bed.

Took a few moments this morning thinking of how my bed has become my safe haven, my sanctuary, my refuge.
Those first few moments upon wakening contain so much bliss.
I almost dread placing my first foot on the floor. That's moment when the reality of real life sets in.

In my bed, my sanctuary, anything is possible.
In my sanctuary I'm not infertile.
In my sanctuary I never miscarried.
In my sanctuary the biological clock never ticks.
In my sanctuary everyone is well and my mom is healthy.

I place that first foot on the floor and reality comes rushing back.

We rushed my mother back to the ER around 1:00 am Friday morning.
She had a high fever and could not walk.
It turns out that the infection plaguing her liver had come back with a vengeance.
During this episode we discovered the cause of the infection.
It was the procedure done a few months ago. The stint in her bile duct had caused the infection.
She doing much better today but won't be home for Easter.

Trying desperately to remain calm.

Today marks day 10 of stims for me and my latest IVF cycle.
Was supposed to trigger tonight but my fancy new doctor is pushing me one more day.
This new protocol is so different but maybe different may be better in this case.

Yesterday, My dear husband froze me a nice new batch of swimmers for this cycle.
Unfortunately he won't be in town for my retrieval.
Kinda funny, conceiving babies with my husband hundreds of miles away!

Tomorrow is another full day.
Bloodwork and ultrasound at the crack of dawn
Traditional breakfast at my mother in law's
Head to my parent's house to help my sister cook Easter dinner and head to the hospital with a goody bag for Mom.


Oh and possible trigger for my egg retrieval on Tuesday.

Looking forward to visiting my sanctuary tonight!

Grumpy

Grumpy!

Woke up feeling grumpy this morning.

Yesterday was a very long day.

Went to the hospital thinking that tube that drains my mother's abscess was being removed but it was just repositioned.

What we thought was going to be a step towards getting back to normal was another setback.

She's getting better but it's taking longer than we would like.

Another procedure will be done next week to monitor the abscess.

I feel so bad seeing her go through all this.

When I got home, just felt dog tired.

Managed to pack my husband's lunch and lay out my clothing for my RE appointment before my brain just quit.

Somehow I've managed to amass a wardrobe especially for RE and doctor's appointments!

That's just CRAZY!

It's almost like I have a strange uniform code.

Easy on

Easy off

Black bra and black granny panties ,because wearing my normal sexy stuff doesn't seem appropriate.

Pairs of silly socks to lighten the mood

Loose sleeves so the nurse can easily draw blood for testing.

And I always use my "good" shower gel and body lotion.

CRAZY!

and I do this without even thinking.

It's almost sad that I have a routine!

The sun was shining this morning but I woke up in such a grumpy mood.

Almost pissed at the fact that I was donning my "IVF uniform"

Upset because Aunt Flo was a bit delayed.

Irate because husband might not be in town for my egg retrieval because of Aunt Flo's delay.

And strangely pissed at a former cycle buddy, but that's another story.

Maybe, I just needed to get a little mad because of all the stress.

Despite all this, my appointment went well and I managed to do it all with a smile on my face.

Got home and Grumpy was back.

UGH!

Just when I thought that today would just be "Grumpy day", I received an email from my very first cycle buddy.

We chat often and she seems like a little sister to me.

She had struggled with a devastating miscarriage and infertility before finally having her daughter thanks to A.R.T. and has gone on to give birth to another daughter naturally.

She's never given up on me or left me in alone in my journey.

Today she told me that she wanted to make me a diaper cake for my babyshower.

That line right there turned my day around!

Isn't it funny how a few kind words of encouragement can change one's day?

Just reading that gave me so much hope and strength.

Someone out there still believes in me!

Thank you Tammy!

You saved my day!

Update: Mom's home and New Cycle Started

The last few days have been very busy.

 

On Monday, my mother was released from the hospital and was able to come home.

The following day the visiting nurse trained my older brother, older sister, and me on the administration of meds. She will be receiving an IV of antibiotics once a day through a PICC line in her arm.

 

Easy for me but Big Bro and Sis were completely a mess.

While learning to flush the IV line, Big Sis shot saline solution all over the living room wall.

Mom must've felt better because she threw a towel over her own face and laughed until Big Sis completed her training.

Mom seems to be in good spirits and feeling better.

 

 

Wednesday marked the beginning of my new IVF cycle and the draining of my savings account!

 

I can't believe it, but I actually feel excited.

 

Feels like I've done IVF a million times.

 

How could I be excited?

 

Just not going to question it, and enjoy the feeling.

 

I feel more optimistic this time than all my previous cycles.

 

Just not going to question it!

 

new doctor + new protocol= healthy new baby?

 

Just not going to question it!

 

Not letting that "infertility demon" get me down!

 

I'm doing the Shoyer protocol this time or estrogen priming.

Put my first estrogen patch on yesterday and tonight I take my first Ganirelix injection.

Sounds a bit backwards but Ganirelix and estrogen are used after the last birth-control pill and before my AF.

 

Just not going to question it!

 

I like these feelings of excitement and optimism.

These feelings seem almost brand new to me.

I don't want these feelings to stop!

 

 

I pray that this is the beginning of a new happier chapter in my TTC story.

 

It feels so right and I am not going to question it.

Update! Mom might be home today.

Please excuse any mistakes. I'm running on fumes right now.

 

It was determined that my mother has an infection on her liver. She had an outpatient procedure about a month ago on her liver. Doctors still aren't sure if that was the cause.

 

An abscess was aspirated last week and a drainage tube was inserted. She also has a catheter to administer antibiotics. She is looking and feeling much better. Actually feeling better that she did weeks leading up to the emergency room visit.

 

Because the antibiotics have to be administered twice a day through the catheter for a few weeks, the doctors originally wanted to place her in an extended care facility for the duration or the treatment. 

 

They have since decided that she would be able to return home with  nursing visits.  My older brother and I will be trained to administer the meds. I've been scrambling this week to make the arrangements. My older sister volunteered to come stay with my mother for a brief period of time also.  She just arrived in town this morning.

 

We expect my mom to be released from the hospital this afternoon.

 

Although the hospital is only 3 minutes away from my house, it has been a hectic week.

 

My husband picked up a bit of a bug from sitting in the ER waiting room on Monday and has been sick and home from work.

 

We've been taking care of my mom's/our Boston Terrier this week. Saturday morning I awoke to find my husband with the carpet shampooer, the dog, and dog excrement smeared all over one of the few carpeted areas in our home. 

 

 He was operating the shampooer with and empty canister of carpet cleaner. 

 

OOh, I wish I could have just ran away at that point. 

 

My dear husband had been overfeeding the dog without my knowledge.  Poor doggie only weighs 17lbs and he was feeding her as if she was a German shepherd. The dog was ashamed and freaking out ,he just looked confused. Now the poor dog was sick too!

 

 

Thank you for your kind words, thoughts and prayers. Mom's doing much better and it seems like we have things under control a bit.

 

My mother brought me to tears the other day. She said "God will bless you with a good daughter just like you."

 

I start my new IVF cycle this weekend.