Brain Vomit, purging my brain

There are so many things I would like to blog about.
Ive been coming to terms with a lot of things and couldn't pin down just one to blog about.
I'm ready to let go of my psrent's hoouse.
It's just a house now, my parents live in my heart and my mind.
Holding on to it might hurt our little family financially.
I don't want to risk my children's future, financial security, and safety.
We are in desperate need of a new vehicle. We are in need of a safe vehicle for our family. We have taken care of my Mother's household for several years while she was living. Now it is time for us to focus on this new chapter in our life. Sometimes it feels as if I was in purgatory for several years waiting to move on and move up. We are alive again. I know this would've made my mother happy and she would have wanted this for us.
My mother loved to journal. She wrote every day. I've recently have been scanning through some of her notebooks. So much wisdom and insight grace these pages. She wrote about the past and of things to come. She wrote of how my sister would have to deal with what she had done in the past.

At the moment my older sister and my younger brother are living there and are driving each other nuts.

My older sister is 14 years older than I am and my youngest brother is 5 years younger than I am.
He was legally adopted by my mother and father at the age of 2. He is their child and no one else's.
My mother wrote of this and as recent as the week before her death she stressed this. She stated," this is my son. My child!"
Biologically, he is my sister's first born.
She was a troubled teen and was skipping school. One day she was caught by a truancy officer in a house with a bunch of boys.
Thinking that city life was corrupting her, My parents quickly shipped her to my grandmother who lived in a smaller town. Grandma didn't take any shit and everybody knew each other.
Well a few months later my sister was begging to come home. She stepped off the plane months pregnant having hid it quite well from my grandmother because if grandma had found out, she would no longer be breathing. Wanted a late term abortion but then decided she would give the child up for adoption.
My father could not bear for my mothers first grandchild to be adopted away. They had always wanted another child to raise with me but stopped trying because of the risks. My father was 50 and my mother was 43 when I was born.
My sister vowed to better herself and was in a nurses training program shortly after giving birth to him. Failed a physical during training because she was pregnant again. Wanted to give this second child up for adoption. The biological father's family stepped in to adopt this child, a girl. My sister then went off to the military and would disappeer for years at a time. They had custody of this child until she was snatched by my sister a few years later. This poor child was snatched from a lovely couple who doted on her and lived for her. This little girl grew up in the inner city and went on to continue the cycle of irresponsibility. Giving birth to her first child at 15 and having a child almost every year. By the time she was 30 she had 8 children.
My sister went on to have 3 more children. Up to the late 90's when were unaware of the 2nd girl that was given up for adoption. This child had been searching for her birthmother. She was blessed to have been adopted by a wonderful couple. The adoptive father was a secret service agent. This young lady now works for the secret service herself.
Over the years , my parents would sometimes have custody of 2 more of the children when my sister would surface.
To get back to the situation of my parents house. My sister is there with my younger adopted brother and he is not giving her any sympathy for what or how she lived throughout the years. She is trying to force a relationship and calling him her son. He hates hates hates this. She has grown jealous of the relationship that he had with my mother. At the funeral she realized how the children that she did raise regarded my mother as their "mother". Because of this she lashes out at him. Calling him names and disrespecting him. She tries to degrade him. Every morning there is a new and stupid conflict. She hasn't a job and spends all day watching reality shows and gossiping on the phone. She has befriended my brothers ex girlfriends and calls them to gossip about him. She will never grow up or grow a brain. She lives for conflict and it's time for her to go.
I can't be a mother for my grown siblings. Its time for me to be the mother of my own little family.

The Big 41!

Sorry I haven't posted sooner but silly me just figured out there was an app that I could use to blog.

Now it should be easier!

Well I turned 41 on Sunday!
I spent my first night away from the twins. Husband took me out to dinner and drinks with a hotel stay overnight.
My lovely sister in law took care of the twins.
It was an early date night. I was in bed by 9 pm!!
Husband and I had our first postpartum romp in the sheets.
I was terrified that things didn't work anymore down there.
After the partial hysterectomy I thought " one big orgasm, and I'll probably die!"
Really I did!
But, everything still works!!!
And it was fun!!!!!
Had a great night sleep, woke up early and was ready to get back to my babies!
Really, forget about breakfast, I want my Babies!!
It's great when you find someone who really loves your babies to babysit.
My sister in law really dotes on them.
They were clean and cute like little birthday presents.

Right now I don't feel like I'm getting older.
Maybe I'm not stressing about it.
Heck I haven't colored my grey since may.
I really havent noticed it.
Maybe too busy
Maybe other things matter so much more.

Okay time for twin pics, if I can figure it out.

2 months old

Sorry I havent blogged sooner. I prefer to blog from my desktop computer rather than my iPhone. Being busy with the twins, I have no desire to go into the office and get sidetracked with other things. We are doing great. Doing most of the work on my own with a little help 1 or 2 days a week from my niece. The babies have gotten so big and healthy. My little guy is over 11lbs and baby sister is almost nine but I haven't weighed her this week. They are out of newborn diapers and clothing. Hello size 0-3 months!!! So much joy when they can't fit something. I am still pumping breastmilk but their diet is mostly formula with breastmilk supplementation. Made myself a bra to hold the pumps in place leaving my hands free. There was one in the store for $40 but I created one for myself using an old sports bra. Actually using it now. Getting things done believe it or not. The only things not being done are just icing on the cake. I really would love to get my hair colored to cover the gray strands that I acquired during the past stressful months. Nothing more serious than that. Missing my mom terribly and would like to take the twins to the gravesite. Still doesn't feel real without her. Ive been following the blogs as much as possible and I see your joys and your sorrows. I wish I had more time to comment and reach out to you ladies. You are all in my thoughts. I've had one close friends told that her beta was negative only to find out that the lab had made a horrible mistake. She's in the early weeks of her pregnancy and our fingers are crossed for a sticky bean. Another friend is hopefully on her away to an IVF vacation. I can't wait for those babies. Each outfit the twins outgrow I place aside for those babies. I'm excited to see them become mothers. I'm excited to pass on those outfits to my IF sisters. One thing, I'm desperately trying to convince husband to let me buy a minivan or suv. I'm terrified putting the twins in one of our cars. You never stop worrying even after they are here. So much more to tell you So much more to talk about. Hope to back soon Forgot to add I called my old RE's office, the guy that I went to for over a year mr. Pessimism, to tell the nurses that I had finally had babies. You know something, I broke into a cold sweat dialing the number. So many old feelings poured out. I don't think you ever get over the struggle of infertility. I still dream of peesticks and miscarriage. Even after I wake up, I still feel the pain.

One Month Old, and Other things to Celebrate

The twins are one month old and we are doing fine.
I've has a little help, but most of the time I am on my own and things are working out.
Yes, I am so so tired, but I have adapted so far.
Years of being a slave to the airline industry have conditioned me to keep going.
Being with my newborns remind me a lot of being a flight attendant on a full flight, and were I used to work, every flight was full.
Gimme a drink!
I'm cold!
I'm wet!
What's the delay?
I"m going to vomit!
I can't wait I have to use the lavatory.
Just adapt that to little people.
I finally get to work my butt off for people whom I adore.
I adore the little ones!!

As far as postpartum, I made it this far with only 2 episodes of crying spells.
Not really postpartum, just morning the absence of my mother.
My baby girl looks so much like I did.
When I hold her my heart and mind go to the thought of my mother holding me.
I think She would have appreciated the babies more than even I do.
So hard not to have my mother to call when I am just amazed by the simple things about these babies.
My therapist says, I'm managing and coping well.
There will be a time when I will fully mourn the loss of so much.
Doing pretty well for a woman who has lost a mother, given birth to twins, and lost her uterus in 3 months.
Scary to actually type that.

I've lost 50lb so far, it just kinda dropped off.
I was carrying around a lot of fluid, I now realize that.
If only I could get down to my pre-IVF weight!!

Back to back fertility cycles are a killer on the figure!!

I'm still weak from the surgery and blood loss.

Surprised about still feeling this way.

I guess my body has been through so much and I'm in denial.

I'll be back to gab more.

I will not be leaving my blog and I will continue to blog about TTC and ART despite the fact I will no longer able to myself.

I'm still your "Sister in TTC, Sister in IF"

Here's the twins newborn portraits taken when they were a couple weeks old.

The Quick Rundown...The Birth Story

Sorry this has to be quick today but I was anxious to get this blog out.

Monday July 16,2012, I woke up for my usual 530am pee break, did my business, crawled back into bed, positioned my pillow and passed gas. It was a relieving fart, should have known it felt too good.

Having your water break feels just like that. I felt as if a balloon inside of me filled with water had just gone sploosh.

I sat up immediately and told my husband that my water had broken and to get ready.  I remember him saying this was it. 

Just the day before we had finished one of my belly casts and had my teenage nephew over to help with the small things we wanted to get done before that week so we could try to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy.  The babies had other plans.

Husband went to the guest bedroom to tell my nephew that my water has broken and we were leaving.  Turns out he didn't hear one word Husband was saying.

By 620am, we were at the ER at our hospital and by 700am I was in a gown lying in 'labor and delivery'.

I wasn't contracting and I wasn't dilated. Never will know why my water broke but I begin to think that things might not have gone so well, in a matter of speaking, if I had gone into full labor on my own.

854am Roman was born via c-sec 4lbs 15
855am Asha 4lbs3

Both screaming and breathing on their own. I told my husband to stay with the babies. To follow them wherever they took them.

I think that was when I realized things were starting to go wrong.
As the nurses brought each baby over to me and pressed them to my cheek, I heard the Dr. yell out that I needed blood to one of the nurses and my blood type. Th anesthesiologist spoke to me and told me I would be going to sleep. I remember the Dr. telling me that if they couldn't get my uterus to contract and the bleeding to stop they would have to take my uterus. The rest is a blur and I woke up in recovery with Husband telling me that I was snoring.

I had a hysterectomy to save my life. According to the doctor, I had lost over 3 liters of my blood and my uterus failed to contract. Later a doctor told me it may have been due to how one of my placentas had attached. I still had my ovaries and everything else. No hormones to be replaced just no period because i had no uterus.

I'll update you all once i have my followup appt.

Kinda a hard recovery for me but the babies never went to the NICU. They spent whatever time I was able to take care of them with me.  Asha had a day of phototherapy for jaundice and both babies were put on a higher calorie formula.

I came home on Friday July 20th and the babies followed me home the next day.
It's unbelievable that they let babies that Small come home if everything else is fine. Both babies scored 9's when born.

It's still a bit difficult for me to get around but my legs are much better and the swelling in my body has gone down. Pumping and building up milk supplies for the babies.

Okay, time for pictures.

Twins are here!

My babies are here and doing well. Baby A was 4lbs15 and baby B was 4lbs3. Both are going great. No nicu or 02. I however had an emergency hysterectomy to save my life. Trying to recover. The twins were born via csec after my water broke on Monday 7/16/2012, 545am. 3 hours later I had 2 babies. Still at hospital. Can't figure put how to post pic

Let the pictures tell a story

 These are my A.R.T. socks. I think I wore them to at least 2 retrievals and 3 transfers and my first few ultrasounds. They are Battle worn. I never took a pic of them or described them to any of my IF buddies.

 Yesterday I received these darling outfits from my close circle of IF sisters. They had no idea about my good luck monkey socks. Isn't that kind of funny how things work. Can't even question it.

 There were times when I could never picture us like this even if I tried to force myself.
But Wow! We are here. Who would have thunk!

There were so many days that I couldn't even imagine having a belly with even one baby in it.

I thought my body wouldn't allow me to experience this.

I still look at my belly moving and almost doubt that it's part of me.

I gave up every month but reluctantly dragged myself back into the battle sometimes kicking and screaming.

I thought all that was hard but wait...

 Are they going to Cubs fans or White Sox fans?

Random Thoughts and cake...a quick post

My shower was a few weeks ago. It was originally planned for June 10th but my mother passed away the week before.
Because my shower was held in a restaurant, we weren't allowed to bring in any outside baked goods.
My mother was a bit let down about this and began searching for a cake for us to have with the family.
She kept telling my husband and sister to find me a cake.
After she passed away we found a check she had written to pay for the cake.
It made me cry and I just cancelled the check and forgot all about a cake. My mind was elsewhere.
Sunday afternoon, Husband surprised me with this lovely cake.
All I could say was "pretty, pretty!" and jump up and down.
My baby girl's name is misspelled but it didn't matter. It should read "Asha and Roman"
I was so overjoyed and didn't want to cut it. lol!
I think mom would have been please with this cake. I went to bed so happy last night.


A couple of days ago while cleaning out the office files, I found my old paper BBT charts.
I always kept a paper journal of my ttc and and electronic one.
I looked at  meticulous I was and wow, how much bding we were doing.
Broke into a crying spell.
I looked at the end of some of those charts to see the bfns I had recorded and the plummeting bbt.
I felt each one that I read.
Honestly, I think that I have PTSD from my infertility battle.
Maybe I am sensitive, but I believe that it does leave a mark on your life whether you succeed in your quest of motherhood or give up.
Part of you has been greatly touched.
I'm not one of those women that forget about the struggle or the struggle of others.

I have contracted another cold or bug despite it being record degrees hot here in Chicago.
Off to the doctor, hope to chat again later.
Maternity photo shoot pics to come later this week.