The Infertility Closet

First, I apologize if this blog is messy today. Typed it with one hand.

Now that I've gone through my journey to conceive my children and although my journey has ended, infertility still affects my life.

Recently, I have been placed into an infertility closet. I choose not to be, but my husband and my mother-in-law have forced me into it.

A few weeks ago I went to check out used cars. We are in desperate need of a new car for our little family. I went to carmax to see a wide variety of vehicles. The salesman I met was a nice older gentleman whose daughter was expecting twins. It was still early and he proudly presented a 7 week ultrasound picture.

He was excited and anxious to ask me questions.
His first and only grandchildren. Maybe it's something about my face, people like to tell me their stories.
The gentleman began to tell me how his daughter struggled for so long trying to conceive a child. Finally she and her husband came to him and his wife and ask for a loan in order to attempt an IVF procedure. They had tried everything else. He and his wife did not give them a loan, they gifted them the money for their IVF procedure. He went on to tell me that his daughter went through so much. He never knew there was so many medications and injections. after her retrieval only two eggs remained ,only two eggs fertilize, two eggs transferred. she was blessed to be pregnant with twins. She was still in the early stages however I believe that it will be a successful pregnancy.
He was so anxious to share this with me. $15000 babies he called them with glee. The salesman was so happy and so overjoyed to share his daughter's story. So proud!

I wanted to pour my heart out to this man. But I felt there have been invisible shackles placed upon my lips. I wondered and I worry what if my husband came to the salesman and the salesman let him know that I told about our infertility struggles. To me I felt no shame in telling the man what I gone through and sharing my struggles and sharing my trials. I felt that it was so unfair that these restraints have been placed upon me by my husband and my mother-in-law.I love to help people and I love talking to kindhearted people.

Slowly I began to open up. Had to, it was in my heart. I felt as if God placed me in this position and brought me to this man to share my struggles and share my journey. I wanted to give hope to them.I felt shame not ashamed of having to have IVF are going through infertility but the shame of not being forthright with this man. I began to slowly tell him bits and pieces of my own story and my own journey. I think he understood why I had to be quiet about the situation. It was a beautiful thing that this fellow was so proud of his daughter for her struggles that she went through to bring more lives into their family. I wish others could be as proud and as forthcoming when it comes to things like the silence of infertility.

I do not like this infertility closet that I have been forced into. I do understand why some have concerns about it.
There are very few weak minded individuals that find it comical or blasphemous to seek help in producing children.

Why is society so twisted in this way?
A strange day and age in which sexual promiscuity is accepted. Public drunkenness is excepted infidelity is excepted and where fertility is something to joke, snicker and pity about.
Why is that?
why is it a word that is spoken behind closed doors?
Why should I feel shame for something that I hadn't brought onto myself?
no one wishes to bring on themselves.
I have overcome this! I fought my ass off in this battle with infertility! I was challenged and I won!
Now I have to be ashamed and hide not because of my own feelings but because of how society views it.
It does not make me less of a woman. It does not make me look pitiful in God's eyes. I am triumphant!
I struggled but I finally got to the end of the finish line in that race.

I have a beautiful picture of the two embryos that were placed in my womb. These are my children. But my husband won't ever allow me to tell our children.
Will they feel inadequate strange odd because society deems them "artificial"? I would hate to burden them with the stigma that may be attached to their conception.

They were loved, they were wanted, they were plan,they were desired. They were conceived in the act of love just as many other children are. I love them so much and I see them as gifts from God.

Man may have had a hand in creating them but doesn't man always have a hand in creating children. God gives us his tools for reason.

For now I am in infertility closet. But I will venture out when my heart tells me too. hopefully one day I can come out of infertility closet confidently and be excepted.

Twin Spam October

14 weeks old!

Brain Vomit, purging my brain

There are so many things I would like to blog about.
Ive been coming to terms with a lot of things and couldn't pin down just one to blog about.
I'm ready to let go of my psrent's hoouse.
It's just a house now, my parents live in my heart and my mind.
Holding on to it might hurt our little family financially.
I don't want to risk my children's future, financial security, and safety.
We are in desperate need of a new vehicle. We are in need of a safe vehicle for our family. We have taken care of my Mother's household for several years while she was living. Now it is time for us to focus on this new chapter in our life. Sometimes it feels as if I was in purgatory for several years waiting to move on and move up. We are alive again. I know this would've made my mother happy and she would have wanted this for us.
My mother loved to journal. She wrote every day. I've recently have been scanning through some of her notebooks. So much wisdom and insight grace these pages. She wrote about the past and of things to come. She wrote of how my sister would have to deal with what she had done in the past.

At the moment my older sister and my younger brother are living there and are driving each other nuts.

My older sister is 14 years older than I am and my youngest brother is 5 years younger than I am.
He was legally adopted by my mother and father at the age of 2. He is their child and no one else's.
My mother wrote of this and as recent as the week before her death she stressed this. She stated," this is my son. My child!"
Biologically, he is my sister's first born.
She was a troubled teen and was skipping school. One day she was caught by a truancy officer in a house with a bunch of boys.
Thinking that city life was corrupting her, My parents quickly shipped her to my grandmother who lived in a smaller town. Grandma didn't take any shit and everybody knew each other.
Well a few months later my sister was begging to come home. She stepped off the plane months pregnant having hid it quite well from my grandmother because if grandma had found out, she would no longer be breathing. Wanted a late term abortion but then decided she would give the child up for adoption.
My father could not bear for my mothers first grandchild to be adopted away. They had always wanted another child to raise with me but stopped trying because of the risks. My father was 50 and my mother was 43 when I was born.
My sister vowed to better herself and was in a nurses training program shortly after giving birth to him. Failed a physical during training because she was pregnant again. Wanted to give this second child up for adoption. The biological father's family stepped in to adopt this child, a girl. My sister then went off to the military and would disappeer for years at a time. They had custody of this child until she was snatched by my sister a few years later. This poor child was snatched from a lovely couple who doted on her and lived for her. This little girl grew up in the inner city and went on to continue the cycle of irresponsibility. Giving birth to her first child at 15 and having a child almost every year. By the time she was 30 she had 8 children.
My sister went on to have 3 more children. Up to the late 90's when were unaware of the 2nd girl that was given up for adoption. This child had been searching for her birthmother. She was blessed to have been adopted by a wonderful couple. The adoptive father was a secret service agent. This young lady now works for the secret service herself.
Over the years , my parents would sometimes have custody of 2 more of the children when my sister would surface.
To get back to the situation of my parents house. My sister is there with my younger adopted brother and he is not giving her any sympathy for what or how she lived throughout the years. She is trying to force a relationship and calling him her son. He hates hates hates this. She has grown jealous of the relationship that he had with my mother. At the funeral she realized how the children that she did raise regarded my mother as their "mother". Because of this she lashes out at him. Calling him names and disrespecting him. She tries to degrade him. Every morning there is a new and stupid conflict. She hasn't a job and spends all day watching reality shows and gossiping on the phone. She has befriended my brothers ex girlfriends and calls them to gossip about him. She will never grow up or grow a brain. She lives for conflict and it's time for her to go.
I can't be a mother for my grown siblings. Its time for me to be the mother of my own little family.

The Big 41!

Sorry I haven't posted sooner but silly me just figured out there was an app that I could use to blog.

Now it should be easier!

Well I turned 41 on Sunday!
I spent my first night away from the twins. Husband took me out to dinner and drinks with a hotel stay overnight.
My lovely sister in law took care of the twins.
It was an early date night. I was in bed by 9 pm!!
Husband and I had our first postpartum romp in the sheets.
I was terrified that things didn't work anymore down there.
After the partial hysterectomy I thought " one big orgasm, and I'll probably die!"
Really I did!
But, everything still works!!!
And it was fun!!!!!
Had a great night sleep, woke up early and was ready to get back to my babies!
Really, forget about breakfast, I want my Babies!!
It's great when you find someone who really loves your babies to babysit.
My sister in law really dotes on them.
They were clean and cute like little birthday presents.

Right now I don't feel like I'm getting older.
Maybe I'm not stressing about it.
Heck I haven't colored my grey since may.
I really havent noticed it.
Maybe too busy
Maybe other things matter so much more.

Okay time for twin pics, if I can figure it out.

2 months old

Sorry I havent blogged sooner. I prefer to blog from my desktop computer rather than my iPhone. Being busy with the twins, I have no desire to go into the office and get sidetracked with other things. We are doing great. Doing most of the work on my own with a little help 1 or 2 days a week from my niece. The babies have gotten so big and healthy. My little guy is over 11lbs and baby sister is almost nine but I haven't weighed her this week. They are out of newborn diapers and clothing. Hello size 0-3 months!!! So much joy when they can't fit something. I am still pumping breastmilk but their diet is mostly formula with breastmilk supplementation. Made myself a bra to hold the pumps in place leaving my hands free. There was one in the store for $40 but I created one for myself using an old sports bra. Actually using it now. Getting things done believe it or not. The only things not being done are just icing on the cake. I really would love to get my hair colored to cover the gray strands that I acquired during the past stressful months. Nothing more serious than that. Missing my mom terribly and would like to take the twins to the gravesite. Still doesn't feel real without her. Ive been following the blogs as much as possible and I see your joys and your sorrows. I wish I had more time to comment and reach out to you ladies. You are all in my thoughts. I've had one close friends told that her beta was negative only to find out that the lab had made a horrible mistake. She's in the early weeks of her pregnancy and our fingers are crossed for a sticky bean. Another friend is hopefully on her away to an IVF vacation. I can't wait for those babies. Each outfit the twins outgrow I place aside for those babies. I'm excited to see them become mothers. I'm excited to pass on those outfits to my IF sisters. One thing, I'm desperately trying to convince husband to let me buy a minivan or suv. I'm terrified putting the twins in one of our cars. You never stop worrying even after they are here. So much more to tell you So much more to talk about. Hope to back soon Forgot to add I called my old RE's office, the guy that I went to for over a year mr. Pessimism, to tell the nurses that I had finally had babies. You know something, I broke into a cold sweat dialing the number. So many old feelings poured out. I don't think you ever get over the struggle of infertility. I still dream of peesticks and miscarriage. Even after I wake up, I still feel the pain.

One Month Old, and Other things to Celebrate

The twins are one month old and we are doing fine.
I've has a little help, but most of the time I am on my own and things are working out.
Yes, I am so so tired, but I have adapted so far.
Years of being a slave to the airline industry have conditioned me to keep going.
Being with my newborns remind me a lot of being a flight attendant on a full flight, and were I used to work, every flight was full.
Gimme a drink!
I'm cold!
I'm wet!
What's the delay?
I"m going to vomit!
I can't wait I have to use the lavatory.
Just adapt that to little people.
I finally get to work my butt off for people whom I adore.
I adore the little ones!!

As far as postpartum, I made it this far with only 2 episodes of crying spells.
Not really postpartum, just morning the absence of my mother.
My baby girl looks so much like I did.
When I hold her my heart and mind go to the thought of my mother holding me.
I think She would have appreciated the babies more than even I do.
So hard not to have my mother to call when I am just amazed by the simple things about these babies.
My therapist says, I'm managing and coping well.
There will be a time when I will fully mourn the loss of so much.
Doing pretty well for a woman who has lost a mother, given birth to twins, and lost her uterus in 3 months.
Scary to actually type that.

I've lost 50lb so far, it just kinda dropped off.
I was carrying around a lot of fluid, I now realize that.
If only I could get down to my pre-IVF weight!!

Back to back fertility cycles are a killer on the figure!!

I'm still weak from the surgery and blood loss.

Surprised about still feeling this way.

I guess my body has been through so much and I'm in denial.

I'll be back to gab more.

I will not be leaving my blog and I will continue to blog about TTC and ART despite the fact I will no longer able to myself.

I'm still your "Sister in TTC, Sister in IF"

Here's the twins newborn portraits taken when they were a couple weeks old.

The Quick Rundown...The Birth Story

Sorry this has to be quick today but I was anxious to get this blog out.

Monday July 16,2012, I woke up for my usual 530am pee break, did my business, crawled back into bed, positioned my pillow and passed gas. It was a relieving fart, should have known it felt too good.

Having your water break feels just like that. I felt as if a balloon inside of me filled with water had just gone sploosh.

I sat up immediately and told my husband that my water had broken and to get ready.  I remember him saying this was it. 

Just the day before we had finished one of my belly casts and had my teenage nephew over to help with the small things we wanted to get done before that week so we could try to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy.  The babies had other plans.

Husband went to the guest bedroom to tell my nephew that my water has broken and we were leaving.  Turns out he didn't hear one word Husband was saying.

By 620am, we were at the ER at our hospital and by 700am I was in a gown lying in 'labor and delivery'.

I wasn't contracting and I wasn't dilated. Never will know why my water broke but I begin to think that things might not have gone so well, in a matter of speaking, if I had gone into full labor on my own.

854am Roman was born via c-sec 4lbs 15
855am Asha 4lbs3

Both screaming and breathing on their own. I told my husband to stay with the babies. To follow them wherever they took them.

I think that was when I realized things were starting to go wrong.
As the nurses brought each baby over to me and pressed them to my cheek, I heard the Dr. yell out that I needed blood to one of the nurses and my blood type. Th anesthesiologist spoke to me and told me I would be going to sleep. I remember the Dr. telling me that if they couldn't get my uterus to contract and the bleeding to stop they would have to take my uterus. The rest is a blur and I woke up in recovery with Husband telling me that I was snoring.

I had a hysterectomy to save my life. According to the doctor, I had lost over 3 liters of my blood and my uterus failed to contract. Later a doctor told me it may have been due to how one of my placentas had attached. I still had my ovaries and everything else. No hormones to be replaced just no period because i had no uterus.

I'll update you all once i have my followup appt.

Kinda a hard recovery for me but the babies never went to the NICU. They spent whatever time I was able to take care of them with me.  Asha had a day of phototherapy for jaundice and both babies were put on a higher calorie formula.

I came home on Friday July 20th and the babies followed me home the next day.
It's unbelievable that they let babies that Small come home if everything else is fine. Both babies scored 9's when born.

It's still a bit difficult for me to get around but my legs are much better and the swelling in my body has gone down. Pumping and building up milk supplies for the babies.

Okay, time for pictures.

Twins are here!

My babies are here and doing well. Baby A was 4lbs15 and baby B was 4lbs3. Both are going great. No nicu or 02. I however had an emergency hysterectomy to save my life. Trying to recover. The twins were born via csec after my water broke on Monday 7/16/2012, 545am. 3 hours later I had 2 babies. Still at hospital. Can't figure put how to post pic