In this TTC (trying to conceive) journey, when can you catch your breath?
When do or can you feel safe?
When you have suffered many losses, many almosts, and many BFNS, it's not easy to let go and enjoy the ride.
You hold your breath through the TWW (two week wait)
You hold your breath while waiting for the urine to pass over the test strip
You hold your breath for those 5-7 minutes afterwards
When you are finally able to get that BFP, you sometimes still can't enjoy a cleansing breath
With A.R.T. cycles; clomid, injectables, IUI, IVF, FET, it's like a horrible roller coaster ride before you can even get to the TWW!
Peaks and terrifying valleys can await you on the ride.
With my A.R.T. cycles there was the sometimes thrilling buildup
How many follies do I have? How many were retrieved? How many were mature?
How many were fertilized? How many are left? How good are they?
How many to transfer? Any to freeze?
Whoosh, then you have the egg transfer.
The creeping TWW.
Its like the creaking drive mechanism pulling you up the biggest hill of the ride.
Will you be exhilarated?
Will you pee your pants?
Will you cry with joy or with sadness?
Is this the end of the ride or is it the first of many spirals, twists, and turns?
When you get that BFP when can you feel safe and enjoy the ride?
For some it is that wonderful fluttering of a heartbeat.
For some it is that wonderful moment you pass into your 2nd trimester.
For some it is after the amnio ,CVS, or NT scan.
I wonder when will I finally exhale.
How long will it take for me to enjoy my pregnancy when it finally happens?
I'm finally feeling something about my upcoming FET and it's not a good feeling.
Maybe it's the estrogen talking but I almost want to back out and never try again.
This is so scary.
Maybe seeing a couple freaking out and running into my RE's office last week triggered these thoughts in me. She had started spotting and was in a full panic. I could feel her terror. Another car pulled up into the parking lot, out jumped what look to be her sister. She grabbed the panicking woman and held her. Told her everything was going to be alright. I almost couldn't sign in at the desk. I was so full of emotion for her.
I have been her.
They rushed them back into the ultrasound room.
As I sat in the lab getting my blood drawn, I sent up a prayer for them.
I don't ever what to be that again.
I pray that all of you reading my crazy blog won't ever have to face that.
I hope that all of you get to the top of that big hill and laugh with delight.
Ride that roller coaster and get your BFPS, your healthy heartbeats, your healthy babies!
I hope that your ride is filled with exhilaration and glee, not sadness or panic.
I'm getting cold feet standing here in line waiting for the ride.
Maybe I'll just settle for the Ferris wheel.
2 comments:
Oh I hear you!! But for me, I felt it was better to try out the ride than to forever wonder what could have been! Even if we don't get off the ride with a baby, at least we know that we gave it our best shot.
I know what you are going through wondering about the FET. I didn't think we had any hope..I mean 2 fresh cycles didn't work, so why on earth would a frozen one..but they work all the time. You just need one good one! Try to stay positive xxx thinking of you!
Its been quite the ride for hasnt it? Any I can relate to some of this, but not all of it (having not done IVF yet). i can only imagine how much more intense it really it. I am holding out hope for this cycle, your getting close....let kez be an inspiration to us, a frozen cycle working! Praying for you. everything crossed.
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