Quick update with pics

Twins were baptized
And behaved beautifully in November

Asha got her first tooth a week before turning 5 months.

Roman is still working on his.

Made and mailed my first family Christmas card. Actually first time mailing Christmas cards in several years.

Still working on the minivan issue with husband. This is driving me out of my fraking mind!!!

So much to blog about.

I will be back but I leave you with pictures.

PTSD?

I've been thinking about this for months, and I do believe that women with infertility, who have suffered from miscarriages, and even women pregnant after infertility suffer from this.
Not to downplay people who have been diagnosed with this or suffer life threatening experiences, but I do believe that I suffer from this or a form of this.

After an early morning feeding, I decided to refer to Dr. Google.

I found several articles suggesting this.
Maybe talk therapy should be included more in ART/fertility treatments.

Just a thought

http://ivftraveler.wordpress.com/2010/07/06/ptsd-of-infertility/

http://www.lapalomatreatment.com/blog/can-infertility-cause-ptsd/

Miracles Can Happen...even after 4+ years

The first picture was taken as we drove into the city exactly a year ago to pick up my babies.
Its been a year since I brought my miracles home.
Exactly a year!!
Today I hold my miracles in my arms.
I have no other place to share this story.
I stare at the pictures and I still cry over my ice babies.
I cry even as I look at their faces smiling back at me now.
These are my miracles!
So what! science helped me!
They are still miracles from God!
I took a cheapo home pregnancy test at the 3 days after the transfer.
I was silly! very silly!
Took the test and there was a strong line!
"this shit must be broken!"
Did another, heck I had 50 of them!
Positive!
Another
Positive!
Came close to asking husband to pee on one to be sure.
I look at the picture of my thawed embryos and swear I know which is which.
I almost see their faces as I look at this picture.
Difficult to imagine that from a deep freezer came life.
Beautiful life came from a laboratory.
How strange!
How beautiful!
How awesome is God to give man the gift of intelligence and guide him to do wondrous things through science!
I remember that day!
I watch the embryos being drawn into the syringe on the huge screen

The nurses exclaimed" look they are hatching you're going to have twins!"
What a wonderful wonderful dream...and it came true!

I look at them today and it is hard to imagine that these funny little balls of love, smiles, and laughs came from something that was once frozen. Frozen for months.
How is that possible?
It's hard to wrap my mind around it. Thank God!

The Infertility Closet

First, I apologize if this blog is messy today. Typed it with one hand.

Now that I've gone through my journey to conceive my children and although my journey has ended, infertility still affects my life.

Recently, I have been placed into an infertility closet. I choose not to be, but my husband and my mother-in-law have forced me into it.

A few weeks ago I went to check out used cars. We are in desperate need of a new car for our little family. I went to carmax to see a wide variety of vehicles. The salesman I met was a nice older gentleman whose daughter was expecting twins. It was still early and he proudly presented a 7 week ultrasound picture.

He was excited and anxious to ask me questions.
His first and only grandchildren. Maybe it's something about my face, people like to tell me their stories.
The gentleman began to tell me how his daughter struggled for so long trying to conceive a child. Finally she and her husband came to him and his wife and ask for a loan in order to attempt an IVF procedure. They had tried everything else. He and his wife did not give them a loan, they gifted them the money for their IVF procedure. He went on to tell me that his daughter went through so much. He never knew there was so many medications and injections. after her retrieval only two eggs remained ,only two eggs fertilize, two eggs transferred. she was blessed to be pregnant with twins. She was still in the early stages however I believe that it will be a successful pregnancy.
He was so anxious to share this with me. $15000 babies he called them with glee. The salesman was so happy and so overjoyed to share his daughter's story. So proud!

I wanted to pour my heart out to this man. But I felt there have been invisible shackles placed upon my lips. I wondered and I worry what if my husband came to the salesman and the salesman let him know that I told about our infertility struggles. To me I felt no shame in telling the man what I gone through and sharing my struggles and sharing my trials. I felt that it was so unfair that these restraints have been placed upon me by my husband and my mother-in-law.I love to help people and I love talking to kindhearted people.

Slowly I began to open up. Had to, it was in my heart. I felt as if God placed me in this position and brought me to this man to share my struggles and share my journey. I wanted to give hope to them.I felt shame not ashamed of having to have IVF are going through infertility but the shame of not being forthright with this man. I began to slowly tell him bits and pieces of my own story and my own journey. I think he understood why I had to be quiet about the situation. It was a beautiful thing that this fellow was so proud of his daughter for her struggles that she went through to bring more lives into their family. I wish others could be as proud and as forthcoming when it comes to things like the silence of infertility.

I do not like this infertility closet that I have been forced into. I do understand why some have concerns about it.
There are very few weak minded individuals that find it comical or blasphemous to seek help in producing children.

Why is society so twisted in this way?
A strange day and age in which sexual promiscuity is accepted. Public drunkenness is excepted infidelity is excepted and where fertility is something to joke, snicker and pity about.
Why is that?
why is it a word that is spoken behind closed doors?
Why should I feel shame for something that I hadn't brought onto myself?
no one wishes to bring on themselves.
I have overcome this! I fought my ass off in this battle with infertility! I was challenged and I won!
Now I have to be ashamed and hide not because of my own feelings but because of how society views it.
It does not make me less of a woman. It does not make me look pitiful in God's eyes. I am triumphant!
I struggled but I finally got to the end of the finish line in that race.

I have a beautiful picture of the two embryos that were placed in my womb. These are my children. But my husband won't ever allow me to tell our children.
Will they feel inadequate strange odd because society deems them "artificial"? I would hate to burden them with the stigma that may be attached to their conception.

They were loved, they were wanted, they were plan,they were desired. They were conceived in the act of love just as many other children are. I love them so much and I see them as gifts from God.

Man may have had a hand in creating them but doesn't man always have a hand in creating children. God gives us his tools for reason.

For now I am in infertility closet. But I will venture out when my heart tells me too. hopefully one day I can come out of infertility closet confidently and be excepted.

Twin Spam October

14 weeks old!

Brain Vomit, purging my brain

There are so many things I would like to blog about.
Ive been coming to terms with a lot of things and couldn't pin down just one to blog about.
I'm ready to let go of my psrent's hoouse.
It's just a house now, my parents live in my heart and my mind.
Holding on to it might hurt our little family financially.
I don't want to risk my children's future, financial security, and safety.
We are in desperate need of a new vehicle. We are in need of a safe vehicle for our family. We have taken care of my Mother's household for several years while she was living. Now it is time for us to focus on this new chapter in our life. Sometimes it feels as if I was in purgatory for several years waiting to move on and move up. We are alive again. I know this would've made my mother happy and she would have wanted this for us.
My mother loved to journal. She wrote every day. I've recently have been scanning through some of her notebooks. So much wisdom and insight grace these pages. She wrote about the past and of things to come. She wrote of how my sister would have to deal with what she had done in the past.

At the moment my older sister and my younger brother are living there and are driving each other nuts.

My older sister is 14 years older than I am and my youngest brother is 5 years younger than I am.
He was legally adopted by my mother and father at the age of 2. He is their child and no one else's.
My mother wrote of this and as recent as the week before her death she stressed this. She stated," this is my son. My child!"
Biologically, he is my sister's first born.
She was a troubled teen and was skipping school. One day she was caught by a truancy officer in a house with a bunch of boys.
Thinking that city life was corrupting her, My parents quickly shipped her to my grandmother who lived in a smaller town. Grandma didn't take any shit and everybody knew each other.
Well a few months later my sister was begging to come home. She stepped off the plane months pregnant having hid it quite well from my grandmother because if grandma had found out, she would no longer be breathing. Wanted a late term abortion but then decided she would give the child up for adoption.
My father could not bear for my mothers first grandchild to be adopted away. They had always wanted another child to raise with me but stopped trying because of the risks. My father was 50 and my mother was 43 when I was born.
My sister vowed to better herself and was in a nurses training program shortly after giving birth to him. Failed a physical during training because she was pregnant again. Wanted to give this second child up for adoption. The biological father's family stepped in to adopt this child, a girl. My sister then went off to the military and would disappeer for years at a time. They had custody of this child until she was snatched by my sister a few years later. This poor child was snatched from a lovely couple who doted on her and lived for her. This little girl grew up in the inner city and went on to continue the cycle of irresponsibility. Giving birth to her first child at 15 and having a child almost every year. By the time she was 30 she had 8 children.
My sister went on to have 3 more children. Up to the late 90's when were unaware of the 2nd girl that was given up for adoption. This child had been searching for her birthmother. She was blessed to have been adopted by a wonderful couple. The adoptive father was a secret service agent. This young lady now works for the secret service herself.
Over the years , my parents would sometimes have custody of 2 more of the children when my sister would surface.
To get back to the situation of my parents house. My sister is there with my younger adopted brother and he is not giving her any sympathy for what or how she lived throughout the years. She is trying to force a relationship and calling him her son. He hates hates hates this. She has grown jealous of the relationship that he had with my mother. At the funeral she realized how the children that she did raise regarded my mother as their "mother". Because of this she lashes out at him. Calling him names and disrespecting him. She tries to degrade him. Every morning there is a new and stupid conflict. She hasn't a job and spends all day watching reality shows and gossiping on the phone. She has befriended my brothers ex girlfriends and calls them to gossip about him. She will never grow up or grow a brain. She lives for conflict and it's time for her to go.
I can't be a mother for my grown siblings. Its time for me to be the mother of my own little family.

The Big 41!

Sorry I haven't posted sooner but silly me just figured out there was an app that I could use to blog.

Now it should be easier!

Well I turned 41 on Sunday!
I spent my first night away from the twins. Husband took me out to dinner and drinks with a hotel stay overnight.
My lovely sister in law took care of the twins.
It was an early date night. I was in bed by 9 pm!!
Husband and I had our first postpartum romp in the sheets.
I was terrified that things didn't work anymore down there.
After the partial hysterectomy I thought " one big orgasm, and I'll probably die!"
Really I did!
But, everything still works!!!
And it was fun!!!!!
Had a great night sleep, woke up early and was ready to get back to my babies!
Really, forget about breakfast, I want my Babies!!
It's great when you find someone who really loves your babies to babysit.
My sister in law really dotes on them.
They were clean and cute like little birthday presents.

Right now I don't feel like I'm getting older.
Maybe I'm not stressing about it.
Heck I haven't colored my grey since may.
I really havent noticed it.
Maybe too busy
Maybe other things matter so much more.

Okay time for twin pics, if I can figure it out.

2 months old

Sorry I havent blogged sooner. I prefer to blog from my desktop computer rather than my iPhone. Being busy with the twins, I have no desire to go into the office and get sidetracked with other things. We are doing great. Doing most of the work on my own with a little help 1 or 2 days a week from my niece. The babies have gotten so big and healthy. My little guy is over 11lbs and baby sister is almost nine but I haven't weighed her this week. They are out of newborn diapers and clothing. Hello size 0-3 months!!! So much joy when they can't fit something. I am still pumping breastmilk but their diet is mostly formula with breastmilk supplementation. Made myself a bra to hold the pumps in place leaving my hands free. There was one in the store for $40 but I created one for myself using an old sports bra. Actually using it now. Getting things done believe it or not. The only things not being done are just icing on the cake. I really would love to get my hair colored to cover the gray strands that I acquired during the past stressful months. Nothing more serious than that. Missing my mom terribly and would like to take the twins to the gravesite. Still doesn't feel real without her. Ive been following the blogs as much as possible and I see your joys and your sorrows. I wish I had more time to comment and reach out to you ladies. You are all in my thoughts. I've had one close friends told that her beta was negative only to find out that the lab had made a horrible mistake. She's in the early weeks of her pregnancy and our fingers are crossed for a sticky bean. Another friend is hopefully on her away to an IVF vacation. I can't wait for those babies. Each outfit the twins outgrow I place aside for those babies. I'm excited to see them become mothers. I'm excited to pass on those outfits to my IF sisters. One thing, I'm desperately trying to convince husband to let me buy a minivan or suv. I'm terrified putting the twins in one of our cars. You never stop worrying even after they are here. So much more to tell you So much more to talk about. Hope to back soon Forgot to add I called my old RE's office, the guy that I went to for over a year mr. Pessimism, to tell the nurses that I had finally had babies. You know something, I broke into a cold sweat dialing the number. So many old feelings poured out. I don't think you ever get over the struggle of infertility. I still dream of peesticks and miscarriage. Even after I wake up, I still feel the pain.

One Month Old, and Other things to Celebrate

The twins are one month old and we are doing fine.
I've has a little help, but most of the time I am on my own and things are working out.
Yes, I am so so tired, but I have adapted so far.
Years of being a slave to the airline industry have conditioned me to keep going.
Being with my newborns remind me a lot of being a flight attendant on a full flight, and were I used to work, every flight was full.
Gimme a drink!
I'm cold!
I'm wet!
What's the delay?
I"m going to vomit!
I can't wait I have to use the lavatory.
Just adapt that to little people.
I finally get to work my butt off for people whom I adore.
I adore the little ones!!

As far as postpartum, I made it this far with only 2 episodes of crying spells.
Not really postpartum, just morning the absence of my mother.
My baby girl looks so much like I did.
When I hold her my heart and mind go to the thought of my mother holding me.
I think She would have appreciated the babies more than even I do.
So hard not to have my mother to call when I am just amazed by the simple things about these babies.
My therapist says, I'm managing and coping well.
There will be a time when I will fully mourn the loss of so much.
Doing pretty well for a woman who has lost a mother, given birth to twins, and lost her uterus in 3 months.
Scary to actually type that.

I've lost 50lb so far, it just kinda dropped off.
I was carrying around a lot of fluid, I now realize that.
If only I could get down to my pre-IVF weight!!

Back to back fertility cycles are a killer on the figure!!

I'm still weak from the surgery and blood loss.

Surprised about still feeling this way.

I guess my body has been through so much and I'm in denial.

I'll be back to gab more.

I will not be leaving my blog and I will continue to blog about TTC and ART despite the fact I will no longer able to myself.

I'm still your "Sister in TTC, Sister in IF"

Here's the twins newborn portraits taken when they were a couple weeks old.

The Quick Rundown...The Birth Story

Sorry this has to be quick today but I was anxious to get this blog out.

Monday July 16,2012, I woke up for my usual 530am pee break, did my business, crawled back into bed, positioned my pillow and passed gas. It was a relieving fart, should have known it felt too good.

Having your water break feels just like that. I felt as if a balloon inside of me filled with water had just gone sploosh.

I sat up immediately and told my husband that my water had broken and to get ready.  I remember him saying this was it. 

Just the day before we had finished one of my belly casts and had my teenage nephew over to help with the small things we wanted to get done before that week so we could try to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy.  The babies had other plans.

Husband went to the guest bedroom to tell my nephew that my water has broken and we were leaving.  Turns out he didn't hear one word Husband was saying.

By 620am, we were at the ER at our hospital and by 700am I was in a gown lying in 'labor and delivery'.

I wasn't contracting and I wasn't dilated. Never will know why my water broke but I begin to think that things might not have gone so well, in a matter of speaking, if I had gone into full labor on my own.

854am Roman was born via c-sec 4lbs 15
855am Asha 4lbs3

Both screaming and breathing on their own. I told my husband to stay with the babies. To follow them wherever they took them.

I think that was when I realized things were starting to go wrong.
As the nurses brought each baby over to me and pressed them to my cheek, I heard the Dr. yell out that I needed blood to one of the nurses and my blood type. Th anesthesiologist spoke to me and told me I would be going to sleep. I remember the Dr. telling me that if they couldn't get my uterus to contract and the bleeding to stop they would have to take my uterus. The rest is a blur and I woke up in recovery with Husband telling me that I was snoring.

I had a hysterectomy to save my life. According to the doctor, I had lost over 3 liters of my blood and my uterus failed to contract. Later a doctor told me it may have been due to how one of my placentas had attached. I still had my ovaries and everything else. No hormones to be replaced just no period because i had no uterus.

I'll update you all once i have my followup appt.

Kinda a hard recovery for me but the babies never went to the NICU. They spent whatever time I was able to take care of them with me.  Asha had a day of phototherapy for jaundice and both babies were put on a higher calorie formula.

I came home on Friday July 20th and the babies followed me home the next day.
It's unbelievable that they let babies that Small come home if everything else is fine. Both babies scored 9's when born.

It's still a bit difficult for me to get around but my legs are much better and the swelling in my body has gone down. Pumping and building up milk supplies for the babies.

Okay, time for pictures.

Twins are here!

My babies are here and doing well. Baby A was 4lbs15 and baby B was 4lbs3. Both are going great. No nicu or 02. I however had an emergency hysterectomy to save my life. Trying to recover. The twins were born via csec after my water broke on Monday 7/16/2012, 545am. 3 hours later I had 2 babies. Still at hospital. Can't figure put how to post pic

Let the pictures tell a story

 These are my A.R.T. socks. I think I wore them to at least 2 retrievals and 3 transfers and my first few ultrasounds. They are Battle worn. I never took a pic of them or described them to any of my IF buddies.

 Yesterday I received these darling outfits from my close circle of IF sisters. They had no idea about my good luck monkey socks. Isn't that kind of funny how things work. Can't even question it.

 There were times when I could never picture us like this even if I tried to force myself.
But Wow! We are here. Who would have thunk!

There were so many days that I couldn't even imagine having a belly with even one baby in it.

I thought my body wouldn't allow me to experience this.

I still look at my belly moving and almost doubt that it's part of me.

I gave up every month but reluctantly dragged myself back into the battle sometimes kicking and screaming.

I thought all that was hard but wait...

 Are they going to Cubs fans or White Sox fans?

Random Thoughts and cake...a quick post

My shower was a few weeks ago. It was originally planned for June 10th but my mother passed away the week before.
Because my shower was held in a restaurant, we weren't allowed to bring in any outside baked goods.
My mother was a bit let down about this and began searching for a cake for us to have with the family.
She kept telling my husband and sister to find me a cake.
After she passed away we found a check she had written to pay for the cake.
It made me cry and I just cancelled the check and forgot all about a cake. My mind was elsewhere.
Sunday afternoon, Husband surprised me with this lovely cake.
All I could say was "pretty, pretty!" and jump up and down.
My baby girl's name is misspelled but it didn't matter. It should read "Asha and Roman"
I was so overjoyed and didn't want to cut it. lol!
I think mom would have been please with this cake. I went to bed so happy last night.


A couple of days ago while cleaning out the office files, I found my old paper BBT charts.
I always kept a paper journal of my ttc and and electronic one.
I looked at  meticulous I was and wow, how much bding we were doing.
Broke into a crying spell.
I looked at the end of some of those charts to see the bfns I had recorded and the plummeting bbt.
I felt each one that I read.
Honestly, I think that I have PTSD from my infertility battle.
Maybe I am sensitive, but I believe that it does leave a mark on your life whether you succeed in your quest of motherhood or give up.
Part of you has been greatly touched.
I'm not one of those women that forget about the struggle or the struggle of others.

I have contracted another cold or bug despite it being record degrees hot here in Chicago.
Off to the doctor, hope to chat again later.
Maternity photo shoot pics to come later this week.

Happy 6th Anniversary

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary.
We both almost forgot but remembered during childbirth class yesterday.
I woke up this morning feeling so lost, not sure what I should be doing today.
One car has a flat tire and Husband has the other.
Husband is feeling lost and blue also.
We've slowed up just enough for the emotions to seep through.
It's finally hitting me hard.
At 10 am every morning I called my mom. every morning and she always answered, even the day before she passed away.
After every doctor's appointment whether it was my RE, therapist, GP , or OBgyn, she was the first person I called.
Every time I walked into my own house I called her to let her know I was okay.
At 9pm every night we always called each other to say 'goodnight'

Last week when I walked out of my U/S, a pulled my i-phone out of my pocket and I had no one to call.
I didn't make any copies of my u/s pics because I had no one to give them to.
Every morning she would ask how the babies behaved as I slept, did they kick, did they shift, what did I feed them this morning.

She promised me she would be here and I feel like it's my fault for waiting so long to start ttcing.
My father promised me he would live to hold my first, but he didn't make it to see my 24th birthday.
I thought she would get to hold them.
She always told me I would have twins. She saw them in her dreams. She believed when I couldn't.

Now I look at this picture and I see her in the blue dress I buried her in. I can barely see the keyboard I am typing on through my tears.

I feel so lost

So busy, Too tired

There is so much that I would like to share with you but I've been too too busy and now getting too too tired easily.

I am 32 weeks and the twins look great. They are doing well despite how stressed I have been. I really need some rest and soon.
Belly is measuring bigger than 40 weeks and I am hoping to squeeze in a maternity photo shoot before they make their arrival.
My nursery is not set up yet and I no longer have the energy to do it.
Painted the upstairs office so Husband could move the junk out of the nursery.
I think I overdid it.
I had my baby shower last Sunday and it was a pretty sad turn out. ( it had been cancelled and the date moved due to the funeral, but my heart was still broken. Hey I waited a long time for a child, and I really looked forward to the shower after all the grief of the past few weeks)

I'll hopefully be back soon to share more with you about all the drama, but I had a bit of a breakthrough this morning.

I'll share what I posted on facebook today.

During my mother's battle with cancer, there was a doctor that bent the rules and did whatever he could to prolong he life and keep her comfortable. He was always willing to take our calls at any time and push through referrals to get prodedures done that probaly would have been denied due to her being in hospice. He wasn't even her primary doctor. I just wrote him a thank you note and am on the way to his office. Now after all the stupid shit certain family members attempted to put me through, the anger is finally waning and I feel like I might finally be able to grieve.

Mother 1928-2012

My mother passed away early this morning. Peacefully in her sleep. She was almost 84 years old. I am posting her age because my mother gave birth to me well into her 40s. After marrying for the 2nd time she gave birth to me over a year later after trying. This is one of the reasons I never gave up trying. I hope that it gives someone else inspiration to not give up or listen to that "too old" crap.

My Mother's Health

When I named this blog, the letting go part referred to many things. I had been through a devastating miscarriage after several ART cycles and my mothers health was starting to become an issue. A lot of things to wrap my mind around at that time. My mother has liver cancer. She's had many close call since the diagnosis. Many times we came close. We had a pleasant period from last October until a few weeks ago. She gained andaintained her weight and was stable. The jaundice was coming back and the stint was replaced in march and then again last week. The doctor noticed that the tumor had grown greatly in a very short period of time. We can only count on her stint to keep the jaundice away and keep her comfortable. A few nights ago she developed a fever due to a urinary track infection. The fever was brought under control and she was prescribed antibiotics. Last night her fever returned and brought under control again. Today she was disorientated and hardly able to walk. The nurse told me that it takes time for the antibiotics to fight the infection and it will have to run it's course. The nurse also said this may be the final decline in her health. Can't say I am surprised but silly me thought I had just a little more time. I knew our time was limited but now I worry that she might not even make it to The birth. Hard stuff to wrap my head around.

Belly Picture!

It seems that I over came my shyness about posting a belly picture.

I'm 27 weeks and 6 days.

Husband just can't seem to take a decent photo that include a human being in it.

It's like the man is taking pictures of the wall behind me or the furniture.

Well  husband is spending the night at my mother-in-law's and I got the itch to see if I could take a better pic all by myself.

This was taken with the digital camera, timer, and a halogen work light from the garage.

Oh, and my Furbaby was lying by my feet chewing on a toy at the same time.

Oh, and please ignore the lovely stack of books on my nightstand.

I just finished the new Charlaine Harris novel and it sucked!

( I waited a whole year for that, that goodness True Blood has a new season in June)

I just wanted a belly pic showing how I felt.

Despite my anxiety, acid reflux, heartburn, carpal tunnel, and swollen feet, I Feel Sexy!!

Please excuse this 40 year old for wanting to look sexy in a belly pic. lol!

You know what's great about it, you don't have to suck in your belly when you take pregnancy photos!

We suck in the gut for so long that we almost don't know when to let go.

It was a fun distraction.

I had been feeling a bit anxious and down today.

Tomorrow, my mother is having another stint replaced in her liver.

The liver cancer creates a mucus that clogs the liver so to keep her comfortable it's important to keep replacing the stints.

The time between stint replacement was drastically reduced this time.

Some times we are lucky, and the stint will last almost 6 months. sometimes only 2.

I have to remember that this procedure buys us more time to be with our mother.

At the beginning of this pregnancy, I worried that my mother would not be here to see her grandchildren.

I now know that she will be there.

It's hard to try and mentally prepare yourself for what might happen or when.

The procedure is done with a scope down the throat and is fairly quick but it is a torturous wait.

I'm almost paralyzed with fear the whole time, while my older sister spends the time searching menus on the web because she's only focused on what she's going to eat once we leave the hospital.

Eat, I could almost vomit from the anxiety.

Eating is her way to deal with Everything.

Happy, eat

Sad, eat

mad, eat

bored, eat

grocery shopping, eat

took a walk, eat

You would think she was having twins too.

I'm rambling again.

Please keep my mom in your prayers.

Goodnight

Things I should have said

Years ago even before battling infertility, I always kept in mind how delicate the situation could be and never asked stupid question or personal questions I had no business asking. I always saw infertility as something private. It was up to that person to share if they wanted to.

Maybe I am repeating myself or other women who have battled infertility, but today, I guess being hormonal has me a bit fired up.

I think back at some of the stupid things people have said to me during this journey so far and what I should have said or might have said if I wasn't polite.

Ten years ago a friend of my brother brought his girlfriend over and her 2 small children, a 1 year old and a beautiful newborn infant. I swooned over that newborn and baby boy.
So she says to me ( first time I ever met this chick),
"you like babies don't you? People who like babies can't have them"
Just to remind you I wasn't married or ttc at that time.
What I should have said,
"btch, if you don't like babies you should have kept your damn legs closed and f-you !"

Someone once said to me,
"you don't need any children. you have tons of nieces and nephews to take care of and put through school"
I should have said,
" just because you and your offspring are f-ing without protection for sport, why the hell should I pay for your vertical joyrides!"
( that was sister, lol!)

Someone said,
"oh you had a miscarriage. Well you tried, it didn't work, now leave it alone."
I should have said,
" jeez, you are so smart and know everything. i guess I should stop thinking for myself and let you do all the work!"

Someone once said,
"babies are such hard work and cost a lot of money,you don't want a baby"
I should have said,
"Wow I didn't know that, I though maybe we should both quit our jobs,  have a ton of kids and get the government to pay for everything. It seemed to work out fine for you!'

" Oh you are seeing a doctor, you are going to end up with a bunch of babies like octomom"
"Thank you for the vote of confidence! IVF is surely going to work now that you have preordained it!"

"Maybe God doesn't want you to have children"
"Maybe you should shut the F- up!"

"Maybe God doesn't approve of you getting treatment and wants to to try naturally"
" Why Don't you go tell a diabetic that God doesn't want them to take insulin and we all die sooner or later so come on home!"

"just stop trying and it will happen"
"Did I ask you for advice? Oh I must've because you know everything! you should have a column in the newspaper!"

Then this one, especially when the person has no idea what  you are going through.
" I get pregnant so easily, I would have one and give it to you"
"No thanks, I've seen your kids, and sweetie you have to tie bones around their necks just to get the dog to play with them.!'

"Have you see a doctor?"
" yes, I've seen doctors, I've seen nurses they aren't that uncommon these days. Sometimes you can even spot them at the 7-eleven when they are on break."

"maybe you are too old."
"maybe you should shut the f-up!"

"Is something wrong with you?"
"Why? Do I look sick or something? Tell the truth I can handle it!"

"if it were me, I would not have had children, you should count your blessings"
"I bet  your children are so happy to hear you say that! Do you write that in their birthday cards each year?"

" Babies are expensive!"
"No shit!!!! Truly, I did not know that! you just told me something new!!"

"Babies are a lot of work!"
" No way, I was planning on doing what you did. Bring them to visit mom and sneak away leaving them there when she's distracted. She loves surprises!"" Oh , you are having twins, that's going to be a lot of work!"
"My God! Are you a psychic or something! Quick give me the the winning Power Ball numbers for friday's Drawing!"

"Oh, you are having twins, Do twins run in your family?"
"Only when they are in trouble for doing something."

"oh, you are having twins, Do they run in your family?'
"now...what are you really asking here? Think hard about it and ask me the question you really want to ask, if you've got the balls!"

"are they test-tube babies?"
"Dunno! I guess I will find out once they are born! I'll be sure to ask the doctor."

" you are having twins, whew! better you than me!"
"yes, better me than you! they wouldn't have a chance in with someone like you!"

"you are having twins, are they natural?"
"Well, the are carbon based lifeforms for sure, but there's still a chance they might be Cylon hybrid, but that would be cool ! Do you watch Battlestar Galactica too!! We should get together and have a watching party!"

"you are having twins, how did that happen?"
"well Husband is so greedy, ya know? and He's always coming back for second helpings. We did the deed and I was satisfied for the day but he had to have seconds!!! damn that man!"

" Did a doctor help with it?"
"Are you asking if I'm into threesomes, Shame on you!!! Only on my anniversary."

Better stop for now
feel free to add more if you like!

Sorry For Being Gone For So Long

Sorry I haven't posted lately. When my Brain isn't mush, I've been too busy or too tired to pull my thoughts together.

My good friend suffered another early miscarriage after a FET. I was so disappointed and sad at first then angry. When things like this happen, you want to get angry at someone or something because it doesn't make sense.

Another friend of ours had her first FET and I was on pins and needles awaiting her beta and u/s results.
So far so good but you almost want to hold your breath until that person gets pass the first trimester.
The first trimester is Hell for us battling the Infertility Devil, even if you aren't the one going through it.

Finally, a friend going through IUI with injectables got her big BFP! great numbers!!!!
I hope that she breezes through early pregnancy and can relax.

Yes I get emotionally involved in this. It's not the pregnancy hormones either. I am and have been these women. I know how it feels. I can relate to the pain.
Infertility whether it is by unknown or known causes will change you.
Like any other disease, you can be changed by it.

The week after my rib contusion, Husband and I finally went on our long awaited Babymoon.
Funny thing, As soon as we landed I finally began to really feel pregnant.
My feet began to swell
My belly had a growth spurt
And my walk with gazelle like strides (lol) had become a waddle
I short distances became miles and I got stuck in a seat in the lobby of the resort

Tons of activities at the resort, many I couldn't partake in.
My two biggest feats were going on a manatee boat tour and getting into the pool without the help of Husband.

It had to look quite funny, I sat on the edge of the pool and attempted to plop in the welcoming waters.
Thought I was looking cute with my black and white maternity swimwear.
My god I almost had to roll to get in. Why didn't I use the shallow end?!
I had to lean forward with arms stretched out and have Husband drag my hugeness off the ledge and into the pool.
Okay I look like a mams manatee!
I betcha that wasn't cute at all!

After a swim I injured the other side of my back, once again while coughing.
I was in the elevator and there was this kid that smelled like chlorine and body funk.
Hey, super smelling powers come with pregnancy
Once he got off , I sneezed and coughed almost simultaneously.
OUCH!!! I pulled something.
I laid on the bed with my back twisted with pain.
The following day Husband arranged for me to have a prenatal massage at the spa.
OOh, it was so so good!
They gave me tea with honey and fruit as I waited in the lounge.
The massage was delightful
At that time it was better than sex!!!!
I wanted it to go on and on. lol!
The baby boy inside me started to roll around as if he was enjoying it too.
Damn, it was good.

Okay update on the twins,
baby girl is slightly bigger than baby boy
Both are doing well and becoming more and more active
Husband finally felt movement from the outside and it just added to his performance anxiety. lol!
Finally registered for the shower.
It really isn't as much fun as I thought it would be.
I'm a bit conservative about things and only registered for what is needed.
Sometimes it's a bit of a sensory overload.
Starting to ramble, I'll be back this week with more random thoughts.

Ouch! contusion vs minor fracture

Well, I have been battling a nasty cold/cough for a few weeks.
My OB instructed me to use musinex to get a productive cough so I could get rid of some of the junk that has been plaguing me.
My cough had gotten much better and it seemed that my cold was finally clearing.
Wednesday morning I had an appointment for a followup ultrasound to check it my low lying placenta had moved up a bit.
I woke up, started my teapot, and started my morning ritual of clearing my sinuses and coughing up mucus (yuk).
I usually feel so much better after this and stay pretty clear for the rest of the day.
Well as I walked to the bathroom, I had one hell of a cough.
Things were clearing up and I had one more productive final cough.

POP!!!!
I saw lights and white spots before my eyes.
PAIN!
Dear Lord, I really hurt something in my back!
The back of my ribcage felt like it was on fire!
I stood up and took a deep breath.
Okay, I still could breath without pain but my back.
Hopped into the shower and left the warm water soothe my back.
I thought maybe I pulled something got dressed and headed over to the ultrasound office.
The pain was still there and it hurt to walk.
I told the receptionist that I think I hurt my back.
Told the Ultrasound tech that I think I hurt my back.
They helped my unto the table and both babies looked fine.
I think the fact that they were okay and moving around made me feel so good I almost forgot the pain.
The techs told me to see my OB or family doctor after I left.
Well, it was wednesday and both offices were closed.
Called the chiropractor that handled my acupuncture before my FET and he was able to see me at 6pm.
Got home and laid down for the rest of the day before my appointment.
I was in so much pain something had to be wrong.
Chiropractor didn't think my rib was cracked and gave me a treatment.
I did feel better and thought it would get better by the next day.
Woke up in so much pain.
Okay!
I needed help.
After talking to the OB on the phone, it was decided that I should go to the triage at the hospital.
Husband rushed home and took me there.
I was sent to the "Fast Track" treatment that was for non life threatening injuries.
Husband helped me into my gown and I laid on the table praying I didn't have to cough. If I did there would be some screaming to be heard.
Before the nurse or doctor even came, a woman with a clipboard entered the room and asked Husband if she could have a minute to speak with me.
Okay?
She introduced herself as a battered woman's counselor and wanted to know if I had been battered or threatened
 WTF!
 She said that regardless of what I came into the ER for, she gives women a chance to express if they had any concerns. She wasn't even nice. I started laughing and told her that I hurt myself while coughing. She wanted to know if I had been in abusive relationships in the past etc, etc. I assured her that I hadn't and that this was a freak accident and thanked her.
Woman didn't even crack a smile. She was stoned faced.
She stated that it was routine for her to meet with women regardless of what they came to the ER for.
I was a bit offended!
Naw, I was offended!

My poor husband, he's such a gentle man.
He's my bald pudgeball with a cherub's face!
I might have let my temper flare and make her feel a bit threatened.
Sorry I'm a bit ticked.

Well, the Dr examined me and they checked me to make sure my lungs hadn't been damaged.
They could not determine if my rib had a crack or it I had a contunsion.
Even with xray,a rib would have to be seriously broken(almost in two) for them to determine that.
On nurse stated that she broke ribs in her last pregnancy due to the baby kicking.

After conferring with my OB, it was decided that I probably cracked or bruised a rib with the violent coughing .
The only thing to do is to treat my pain and have me use a incentive spirometer to keep my lungs healthy.
It kinda like a guage that I blow into to exercise my lungs.
When you have pain you tend to take shallower breaths and that could lead to pneumonia.

The Dr. was really nice and pregnant herself. She assured me that things would be okay.
I was given a prescription for Norco which was a slight narcotic but it was safe for me at this time.
The only side effect might be me feeling the babies move a little lesser because they do get a small bit of the medicine.
I was given 2 norcos before being discharged.
I did worry about the babies.
Husband took me out to dinner and I was still lucid.
I felt the babies get excited when the warm cheddar biscuits arrived!
Made me feel much better.
By the end of dinner, I was loopy as heck but the babies were quite active.
I kinda think that the pain I felt effected them too and they also welcomed the relief.
Woke up this morning feeling so,so much better.
It still hurts when I cough but I think we are on the road to recovery.
I don't even mind this incident as long as the babies are okay.

My RE Experiences

I'm been thinking about this for a while, but I've been quite busy.
Sometimes I feel absent minded and distracted.
Could be the hormones.
Yes, blame the hormones!

I silently follow a lot of blogs, only commenting when I think I have something useful to pass on.

I learned a lot a lessons with my battle with infertility and I try to pass them on.

My journey into A.R.T. was a reluctant one.
Well, it's a reluctant journey for most of us.
After trying for over 2 years, countless chemical pregnancies(some I don't even acknowledge, and the death of my father in law, I sought help from an RE.
Being in the state of Illinois, I had coverage for IUIs, IVF (4 retrievals), and FETs.
My meds would be covered all long as I didn't exceed 4 egg retrievals.
I walked blindly into my RE's office.
I didn't pay attention to statistics and only went with a referral from my OBGYN.
They had an onsite lab, It was a small practice, they were a close knit group, it was under my insurance...
Plus, it was close to home, no worry about rushing through traffic with a cup full of sperm.

First mistake I made, should have checked the statistics on the SART website.

I thought IUI should be enough, I had gotten pregnant before on my own.
I responded very well to Clomid.
After 4 IUIs, we had no success.
Funny thing, during my monitoring for these cycle, what appeared to be a pocket of fluid appeared on my uterine lining.
RE stated that he didn't find it during my original testing (hsg,hsh,etc)
Each time, the RE decided to continue with these IUI cycles.
After the fourth cycle, we moved on to IVF.

My first IVF cycle was a nightmare.
A few days after stimming, the RE slowed me down.
Then he doubled my dose.
Then he slowed me down.
I had 16 eggs retrieved, only 8 mature ( later I would find out that those eggs were further matured in the lab)
The eggs were not icsi'd.
4 fertilized and didn't divide or cleave.
I was called by the RE the day before my transfer and told that I probably wouldn't have anything to transfer on day three.
I lit four candles and prayed for those eggs.
That morning halfway to the office, I got the call that the eggs had dwindled out.
I was told it was my egg quality.
That was another red flag that I missed.
Being that it was a small practice, the RE tried to schedule all his retrievals and transfers on the same day.
I was at the mercy of scheduling.
He only hired the lab and anesthetist for a few days when he cycled patients together.
Many offices do this, this time it didn't work out too well.
If my reproductive system was a car,  being pushed to 110mph, slamming on the brakes, and then being pushed to 100mph again.
Forgive, I thought this was normal.
Just give me a baby I thought.

My second cycle...RE promised me we would take things slowly.
I started to stim evenly and at a steady pace.
After my first U/S monitoring appt, I was called into the RE's private office.
"I'm scheduling you for hysterosopy to check out that pocket of fluid on your uterus."
Um, shouldn't we have addressed this before I started any of my IVF cycles?
My IVF cycle would be cancelled.
Another red flag?!
Now, in my mind, I was still dealing with the bad egg quality issue.
I had to know how my eggs were.
We decided to go through with the retrieval and possibly freeze any quality eggs for a future FET.
I was a mad woman, I had to know if I had any quality eggs.
Retrieved and icsi'd
By day three, I had 4 quality embryos.
I hoped I would get a chance to freeze them.
The RE decided to go forward with the transfer.
"what about the cyst in my uterus?"
RE stated that he didn't think it would interfere with implantation.
Okay WTF, why did you want to have surgery?
Red flag!
Well, the cycle ended with a BFN and I was off to surgery.
A fairly large and ugly cyst was removed from my uterus.
Yup he said that might have had something to with it.
Dear lord , I was so blinded and desperate, I should have seen the signs and got out when I still had some insurance coverage left.

I went on to have two more fresh cycles with that RE.
One ended with a chemical at 5 weeks and a missed miscarriage and d&c at 12 weeks, that baby had turner syndrome.
I did get pregnant every cycle after the cyst was surgically removed.

Time for a new RE.
I didn't have any  insurance coverage left.
For many years we had saved  for a child.
Just had to dip into that fund.
It was still for the child, just not the way I expected to spend it.
Our best buddy actually helped with researching the new RE.
He had been with us throughout this journey, stepping in for Husband at many appointments, driving me back and forth.
It was decided and I headed off the the biggest A.R.T. firm in the area.
They possessed one of the largest IVF labs in the country.
They did retrievals almost every day of the year, so no cramming me into a cycle schedule, and yet they were so nice to me.
I was treated with so much respect and one on one care.
Who would've thought it.
The RE handling me was so genial and personable.
He told me that he would pull out the big guns for me. lol!
I thought, 'whoa, they're being nice to me because I'm paying cash" lol!
I did most of my earlier appointments at the satellite office a few miles from home.
The major appointments would be Down Town.
The day of my retrieval I learned that the founder of the practice would be doing my procedure.
This fertility center had been established in 1976 before the first IVF(at that time dubbed the testube baby) was successful.
He came into my room before the procedure to talk to me.
He said,"now let's shake because this is the last time you will have to do this"
My goodness, that made me feel so good.
He may have been bullshitting me, but damn, It made me feel good.
Now I keep forgetting the numbers but 18 were retrieved and 14 were mature.
The 14 embryos continued to do well on their own.
By the time of my 5 day transfer, I still had the majority of those eggs growing.
Can you believe that, I was told a year earlier that I had crappy eggs.
2 were transferred but the cycle ended in a BFN.
At first I was floored but I still felt good about that cycle.
I still felt good about the care I received.
I had embies on ice waiting for me and this practice had high FET rates.
I think primarily because they had higher standards of the embies they chose to freeze.
My body was wrecked but I had some snowbabies.

Before starting my FET cycle the RE told me that quality eggs were golden and that he would not transfer any of them into a uterus that wasn't prepared.
When I told him that the cycle had been one of the most pleasant ones for me, he laughed.
Really, it was the first time I got a positive feeling from a medical staff in a long time.

Like I said my body was wrecked and my lining had gone kaput on me.
I had 2 cancelled FET cycles.
The 3rd attempt the RE decided to use a protocol that was not normally used by the practice. It was pioneered my a doctor in Colorado.
This involved estrogen injections and Viagra suppositories.
Expensive as all get out!
It worked my lining perked up and I was good to go
Two previously frozen embryos transferred and I am currently pregnant with twins.
If I have to do this again regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy, I would return to this practice.
I'm not out of the woods, but are we ever out of the woods in this battle.

Now, maybe there is a moral to this story.
maybe it's to trust your gut feelings
maybe it's to do your research before you leap
maybe it's to recognize the red flags ( which I didn't)
maybe it's to not give up or yourself or your body

I don't know, but I felt like sharing today.

19 Weeks Tomorrow, anatomy scan today

Popping in again.
Had my level 2 anatomy scan and the babies looked great.
It was a long procedure.
I'm still fighting a cold and the u/s tech had a hard time taking pics and measurements.
It was almost torture trying to breath without moving my belly too much.
I was breathing so shallow, at one point I thought I would faint.
Babies are thriving and everything was where it was supposed to be.
However, according to this tech baby A is the boy and baby B is a girl.
For minute there we thought our little girl was now a boy. Whew!

Tomorrow we will be going to a huge consignment sale.
It just get realer every day but I still can't wrap my mind around it.

Just Popping In

I'm sorry I haven't stopped in to update.
After my last blog,my close friend lost her mother.
I knew before I played the message on my phone and stared at the icon on my phone for five minutes before pressing it.
After her arrival in Chicago, the drama began.
Despite all the family conflicts, her mother was put to rest in a beautiful ceremony.
The following week my sister's best friend in another state passed away.
She spent the week leading up to the funeral with a bottle of wine evey night.

With so much happening, I guess I didn't have time to obsess and worry about my babies.
I havent googled miscarriage or stillbirth in weeks.
I did google Braxton hicks contractions until my wellness nurse told me that I was feeling the babies move.
Husband and I attended a class at the hospital, Marvelous Multiples.
Learned a little
Husband learned a lot
My appetite is slowly returning however I have a terrible cold and it is kicking my butt.
I didn't get any sleep last night nothing safe to take is helping me.


Tomorrow is my level II ultrasound
I am terrified!
Why can't I ever go into these appointments confidently?
I'll update you tomorrow.

Boy

Sporting The Bump

This past week, I've actually felt pregnant.
Well, I've had symptoms for quite some time but I actually allowed myself to be pregnant.
I do find myself wavering back and forth into the land of denial and anxiety, but this week I allowed myself to feel.
To feel more than an impostor in the land of pregnancy
To feel more than just an unsure visitor
To feel comfortable enough to look to the future rather than week to week

I knew my body was changing but, it just wasn't quite enough until someone else noticed it.
Maybe it's because I saw my babies and know their genders.
I can feel my babies move in me.
I know it's not gas.
I think I feel both.
The feeling have brought me so much joy and have eased some of my anxieties, though sometimes I hope it isn't my mind playing a cruel joke on me.

Last week I made my first major purchase.
Using husbands Amex rewards points, I purchased a package of swaddling blankets, 4 pacifiers, and 2 cases of newborn diapers on Amazon.com.
Waves of anxiety rushed over me as I clicked to complete the transaction, Whew!

The next day I took my first trip ever to BabiesRUs.
I was lost.
It wasn't as fun as I thought, it was overwhelming!
I took notes and priced items I may need.
I know one thing, I won't be buying at BabiesRUs!
I probably won't register there either.

Husband told mother-in-law the babies' names. Of course she complained.
"No, no, no!", in English, the rest in Polish.
Someone from her old village had my baby boy's name and someone here in Chicago has my baby girl's name as a nickname.
WTF!
I've had these names picked out since I started TTC, years ago.
Tough titties!
When I saw my babies last week on the 3d ultrasound, I called them by name.
They are finally my babies.

To quote my dear friend Kez
"..with 7 billion people on the planet, there's not much likelihood of your kids having names no one else has..unless you name them Xyrkml and Gughureter..and even they're probably taken"

Made me laugh my butt off last night before bed! Love that girl!!!

Today I bought a few more maternity pieces.
I wandered through the aisles freely.
Can you believe that!
Wandered into the baby department and had an impulse buy!
UHOHH!
Too cute, too reasonable to pass up.
$12.99 and $8.99 hats included.

I quickly hid them in the guest bedroom closet with the receipt attached.
Some old habits die hard.
It was a scary purchase for me.
I'm allowing myself to dream again.
In the words of my therapist, "why do you have to have your own permission to do something?"
Makes sense, but it's so hard to let go of the restrictions I have placed on myself due my past experiences.

Gender Reveal,Updated with two 3D u/s pics

Yup, I broke down and did it!!!
I think it finally feels real to me now!
Husband was in shock and awe, I'm in love!!!!!
3D ultrasounds at this stage of pregnancy can look a little alien, but they were darling to me!!
I hope to post the 3D pics later...But here they are!!!!!

Baby A is a girl!!!

Baby B is a Boy!!

The Week 15 Report

Well, I went to my monthly Ob appointment yesterday.
Husband took off the day to go with me.
We were excited because we assumed that we would be having an ultrasound and based on many women on the blogs, we thought we would be finding out the genders.

First I have to let you know that Husband hates hates hates waiting to long in the waiting room for doctor appointments.
We waited almost 40 minutes to be seen by the doctor.
Once in the examination room, the nurse told us that we would not be having an ultrasound.
Husband became the biggest azzhole brat I had ever seen.
Between checking work emails he threw a tantrum!
"You told me that we would see the genders today! didn't you call before to verify? what am I going to tell the people at work? why are we here? why are we waiting again for the Doctor? If he's not in here in 20 minutes, we are leaving!"
Man, I swore that my blood pressure was shooting through the roof!

Turns out that my insurance will only allow/pay for ultrasounds if there is a medical need at that point.
Also, the equipment at the OB's office was not powerful enough to determine gender.
Anatomy scans and gender scan are done across the street at the hospital.
The doctor gave us a referral to have the anatomy scan 3 weeks from now at the diagnostic center.
I was so bummed out!!!
but...I did get to hear the heartbeats!
I'm such a nervous wreck that I questioned whether or not I was hearing the same baby's heartbeat.
Still not satisfied that I heard both.
I really want a Doppler of my own.

Took husband to our family doctor for a checkup.
After talking with the doctor, I decided that she would be our pediatrician once the twins are here.
She's a pretty sharp lady and I really dig her.
She was the only doctors that found my vitamin deficiency while I was TTC.
The supplements she suggested really helped my lining for the FET.

After I got home, I search the Internet for an "ultrasound boutique" or elective ultrasound facility.
Found one!
The price seems right!
I could get one today if I wanted to.
They have late evening and weekend hours too.
Now I'm stuck!
I really want to do it but, should I?

For $59, I can get the 15 week gender peek.
If the babies aren't cooperating I can come back until we get a determination.
http://www.peekabelly3d.com/Ultrasound_Services_Lockport_IL.html

I really want to do this but my mother in law is afraid of what ultrasounds do to the babies and my mother says,"just wait"

But here's the thing
We may not get a gender determination at the next ultrasound 3 weeks from now.
I think it may help me come to terms that this pregnancy is real.


What would you do?

Step Away From the Pee Sticks!

Well ladies, so sorry I haven't been posting too much lately.
I've been a bit lazy about blogging and getting into trouble.
My anxiety has kicked back in with a vengeance and that gets me into trouble.
I think this may have been the longest I have gone without seeing the babies on an ultrasound and all the old fears and worries come rushing back.

I am aware that during the second trimester, some of the symptoms of early pregnancy can ease up.
That didn't matter when I suddenly felt quite good this week.
I went a little crazy, but we all go a little crazy sometimes don't we? lol!
I measured my belly
Kept poking my boobies to see if they were still sore

And
...I found the hidden stash of my old Internet cheapie pregnancy test strips.

Now I know that hcg levels begin to level off at this stage of pregnancy because the placenta takes over.
I know that for sanity's sake you should not be messing around with those pee sticks once you get this far.
I know about the "hook effect"

The hook effect occurs when silly women like me pee on a stick when we are weeks and weeks into our pregnancies.

A brief explanation, once you get 8+ weeks in, the hcg is so high that it causes hpts to go a little wonky.
The test line of the test will start to progressively get lighter as the hcg gets so darn high the test is fighting to maintain it's hold on the situation.
There are very technical explanations on the web, but professional pee-on-a stick addicts like me describe it as "the reason to put down the pee sticks once you've had the blood test"

There's a simple way to find out if your test results are effected by the "hook effect" when you are well into your first trimester weeks.

Take two hpts(preferably cheapies)
Collect your urine in a cup but don't fill it all the way.
Dip one in the pure urine sample
Now dilute the remaining urine with clean water
Dip the second test ( I had five test so I diluted the water even more after I dipped each test)
Sorry, told you I'm crazy
The result of the second test that was dipped in the diluted sample should be darker than the test that was dipped in pure urine if your tests are being effected by the "hook effect".

Well my crazy experiment resulted in the line of my very last pee stick(#5 the urine sample was so diluted it was almost clear) being the strongest and darkest line of the lot. Yes, I had a progression with the same urine sample based on the dilution of the urine. The lightest test line was the pure urine, the darkest the super diluted urine.
I just realized how crazy I may sound.
WOW!
I'll stop!
Look it up for yourselves ladies.
Told my therapist yesterday about my experiment...
she almost dropped her coffee mug!
Per doctors orders I have been told to keep a journal of my exploits or crazy urges that are brought on by my anxiety over this pregnancy.
I'm suppose to bring it to each session I have with my therapist from now on.
Maybe writing it down before acting on it will help me get a handle of my irrational or rational thoughts.
Maybe It will keep me away from "Dr. Google"

I can imagine my nosy sweet husband finding the journal thinking he was finding my steamy hot thoughts, reading my crazy rantings, grabbing the dog and running out the back door to get away.

Well, I have one more week before I might get to see the babies again.
If you don't mind, I'll probably be blogging a lot more.