Thursday, May 31, 2012

My Mother's Health

When I named this blog, the letting go part referred to many things. I had been through a devastating miscarriage after several ART cycles and my mothers health was starting to become an issue. A lot of things to wrap my mind around at that time. My mother has liver cancer. She's had many close call since the diagnosis. Many times we came close. We had a pleasant period from last October until a few weeks ago. She gained andaintained her weight and was stable. The jaundice was coming back and the stint was replaced in march and then again last week. The doctor noticed that the tumor had grown greatly in a very short period of time. We can only count on her stint to keep the jaundice away and keep her comfortable. A few nights ago she developed a fever due to a urinary track infection. The fever was brought under control and she was prescribed antibiotics. Last night her fever returned and brought under control again. Today she was disorientated and hardly able to walk. The nurse told me that it takes time for the antibiotics to fight the infection and it will have to run it's course. The nurse also said this may be the final decline in her health. Can't say I am surprised but silly me thought I had just a little more time. I knew our time was limited but now I worry that she might not even make it to The birth. Hard stuff to wrap my head around.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Belly Picture!



It seems that I over came my shyness about posting a belly picture.
I'm 27 weeks and 6 days.


Husband just can't seem to take a decent photo that include a human being in it.
It's like the man is taking pictures of the wall behind me or the furniture.

Well  husband is spending the night at my mother-in-law's and I got the itch to see if I could take a better pic all by myself.

This was taken with the digital camera, timer, and a halogen work light from the garage.
Oh, and my Furbaby was lying by my feet chewing on a toy at the same time.
Oh, and please ignore the lovely stack of books on my nightstand.
I just finished the new Charlaine Harris novel and it sucked!
( I waited a whole year for that, that goodness True Blood has a new season in June)

I just wanted a belly pic showing how I felt.
Despite my anxiety, acid reflux, heartburn, carpal tunnel, and swollen feet, I Feel Sexy!!
Please excuse this 40 year old for wanting to look sexy in a belly pic. lol!

You know what's great about it, you don't have to suck in your belly when you take pregnancy photos!
We suck in the gut for so long that we almost don't know when to let go.

It was a fun distraction.
I had been feeling a bit anxious and down today.
Tomorrow, my mother is having another stint replaced in her liver.
The liver cancer creates a mucus that clogs the liver so to keep her comfortable it's important to keep replacing the stints.
The time between stint replacement was drastically reduced this time.
Some times we are lucky, and the stint will last almost 6 months. sometimes only 2.

I have to remember that this procedure buys us more time to be with our mother.
At the beginning of this pregnancy, I worried that my mother would not be here to see her grandchildren.
I now know that she will be there.
It's hard to try and mentally prepare yourself for what might happen or when.

The procedure is done with a scope down the throat and is fairly quick but it is a torturous wait.
I'm almost paralyzed with fear the whole time, while my older sister spends the time searching menus on the web because she's only focused on what she's going to eat once we leave the hospital.
Eat, I could almost vomit from the anxiety.
Eating is her way to deal with Everything.
Happy, eat
Sad, eat
mad, eat
bored, eat
grocery shopping, eat
took a walk, eat
You would think she was having twins too.

I'm rambling again.
Please keep my mom in your prayers.
Goodnight


Thursday, May 3, 2012

Things I should have said

Years ago even before battling infertility, I always kept in mind how delicate the situation could be and never asked stupid question or personal questions I had no business asking. I always saw infertility as something private. It was up to that person to share if they wanted to.

Maybe I am repeating myself or other women who have battled infertility, but today, I guess being hormonal has me a bit fired up.

I think back at some of the stupid things people have said to me during this journey so far and what I should have said or might have said if I wasn't polite.

Ten years ago a friend of my brother brought his girlfriend over and her 2 small children, a 1 year old and a beautiful newborn infant. I swooned over that newborn and baby boy.
So she says to me ( first time I ever met this chick),
"you like babies don't you? People who like babies can't have them"
Just to remind you I wasn't married or ttc at that time.
What I should have said,
"btch, if you don't like babies you should have kept your damn legs closed and f-you !"

Someone once said to me,
"you don't need any children. you have tons of nieces and nephews to take care of and put through school"
I should have said,
" just because you and your offspring are f-ing without protection for sport, why the hell should I pay for your vertical joyrides!"
( that was sister, lol!)

Someone said,
"oh you had a miscarriage. Well you tried, it didn't work, now leave it alone."
I should have said,
" jeez, you are so smart and know everything. i guess I should stop thinking for myself and let you do all the work!"

Someone once said,
"babies are such hard work and cost a lot of money,you don't want a baby"
I should have said,
"Wow I didn't know that, I though maybe we should both quit our jobs,  have a ton of kids and get the government to pay for everything. It seemed to work out fine for you!'

" Oh you are seeing a doctor, you are going to end up with a bunch of babies like octomom"
"Thank you for the vote of confidence! IVF is surely going to work now that you have preordained it!"

"Maybe God doesn't want you to have children"
"Maybe you should shut the F- up!"

"Maybe God doesn't approve of you getting treatment and wants to to try naturally"
" Why Don't you go tell a diabetic that God doesn't want them to take insulin and we all die sooner or later so come on home!"

"just stop trying and it will happen"
"Did I ask you for advice? Oh I must've because you know everything! you should have a column in the newspaper!"

Then this one, especially when the person has no idea what  you are going through.
" I get pregnant so easily, I would have one and give it to you"
"No thanks, I've seen your kids, and sweetie you have to tie bones around their necks just to get the dog to play with them.!'

"Have you see a doctor?"
" yes, I've seen doctors, I've seen nurses they aren't that uncommon these days. Sometimes you can even spot them at the 7-eleven when they are on break."

"maybe you are too old."
"maybe you should shut the f-up!"

"Is something wrong with you?"
"Why? Do I look sick or something? Tell the truth I can handle it!"

"if it were me, I would not have had children, you should count your blessings"
"I bet  your children are so happy to hear you say that! Do you write that in their birthday cards each year?"

" Babies are expensive!"
"No shit!!!! Truly, I did not know that! you just told me something new!!"

"Babies are a lot of work!"
" No way, I was planning on doing what you did. Bring them to visit mom and sneak away leaving them there when she's distracted. She loves surprises!"" Oh , you are having twins, that's going to be a lot of work!"
"My God! Are you a psychic or something! Quick give me the the winning Power Ball numbers for friday's Drawing!"

"Oh, you are having twins, Do twins run in your family?"
"Only when they are in trouble for doing something."

"oh, you are having twins, Do they run in your family?'
"now...what are you really asking here? Think hard about it and ask me the question you really want to ask, if you've got the balls!"

"are they test-tube babies?"
"Dunno! I guess I will find out once they are born! I'll be sure to ask the doctor."

" you are having twins, whew! better you than me!"
"yes, better me than you! they wouldn't have a chance in with someone like you!"

"you are having twins, are they natural?"
"Well, the are carbon based lifeforms for sure, but there's still a chance they might be Cylon hybrid, but that would be cool ! Do you watch Battlestar Galactica too!! We should get together and have a watching party!"

"you are having twins, how did that happen?"
"well Husband is so greedy, ya know? and He's always coming back for second helpings. We did the deed and I was satisfied for the day but he had to have seconds!!! damn that man!"

" Did a doctor help with it?"
"Are you asking if I'm into threesomes, Shame on you!!! Only on my anniversary."

Better stop for now
feel free to add more if you like!