Had to rush my mom to the hospital

Late yesterday afternoon, I received a call from my older brother that my mom was shaking uncontrollably.

She had been working in her kitchen and started to shake as if she was shivering. I rushed to my parents house to find her shaking under the pile of blankets my brother had placed on her.

Of course she refused to let me take her to the hospital. Of course I took her anyway.

My mother is 82 yrs old and very independent and active.
She survived colon cancer, has COPD, and recently had a stint placed in her liver to open a bile duct.
She never smoked (my dad did) or drank. We think she is a cruel example of the dangers of second hand smoke.

Her shaking had subsided by the time we arrived at the hospital.
After 8 hours in the emergency room, it was determined that her potassium was extremely low and also her blood count. She was admitted this morning at 4am. She is feeling much better today but the mystery remains of what happened to cause her blood levels to drop.

I'm petrified right now. Outwardly I am coping with it well, but, I am terrified of what they might find.

Trying to remain strong.
Luckily my dear husband is working in town so I have some sort of support system.

I'm just really scared.
I am so tired of bad news.
almost break out into bad sweats just seeing a medical professional approach me.

Please keep her in your thoughts and maybe say a little prayer for her.

In Need of An Attitude Adjustment?

With my next IVF cycle just around the corner, my mind is a mess once again.

My emotions are all over the place.

When I think back, I never went into an IVF cycle feeling optimistic.

Maybe it could be the long string of natural and IUI cycles that went bust that have kept me from just waltzing into an IVF cycle whistling.

Maybe its because every time I had a cycle buddy, my buddy got pregnant, went on to deliver, and I didn't.

There are some women who from the very beginning of their IVF cycle start actively planning for a baby.

There are some women who are already picking out cribs and nursery furniture as soon as they get that positive beta blood test.

I've never been able to do that.

Heck, I followed one woman's blog, before even setting a date for her IVF, purchased a house in an area with the best schools, bought a SUV that would fit 3 , yes three! car seats, and wanted to time her IVF so the babies would come at the right time of year.

The last cycle buddy I had, purchased nursery items and maternity clothing while still cycling.

I've also watched cycle buddies go on to have another pregnancy and child, while I sit here with empty arms.

Oh how I wish I could go into an IVF cycle ignorant of what I've been through.

How I wish my mind would let me enjoy the ride and dive headfirst into a sea of baby fantasies!

Free baby and pregnancy magazine still arrive in the mail, sad reminders of my last pregnancy.

I quickly toss them into the recycling bin rather than save them for a possible upcoming pregnancy.

What should I do?

Should I do like those who practice the laws of attraction? Should I make a collage of baby pics and stare at that every day?

I pray everyday and every night.  I'm beginning to think that maybe God has already spoken and maybe I missed the message to stop begging for a baby.

We tithe regularly at Mass but my dear husband made a secret deal with the "big guy in the sky" that he would donate a large amount to the church and various charities once we heard the heartbeat.

Can you imagine the look on my face when I saw the weekly bulletin at church and saw a huge dollar amount by our last name?

My hubbie kept his promise. I found out that the baby's heart stopped beating shortly thereafter.

I feel gipped. 

I know that's wrong...but I do.

It's so hard to believe that good things can happen for me.

Maybe I need an attitude adjustment!

Now I'm starting to ramble and my sweet husband just walked through the door. He is peeking at the pot on the stove.

Time to go!

I Wanna Be Evil, Rebel at My Papsmear

Its that time again, time for my annual exam at the gyno.

You would think that with all the medical folks going in and out down there in the past few months, that someone would have save me the trouble and did a damn pap-smear.

Goodness, I should feel like a floozy with all the actions my lady parts have been getting in the past few months.

Constantly keeping my ladyscaping in presentable order. Trim and proper.

Just like me prim and proper.

My OBGYN is part of a large practice. It takes up two floors in an office building. Today the waiting room was full again.

All this proper living is getting me down!

I usually sit in the waiting room with that pleasant look on my face that I perfected after many years of being a flight attendant. I usually smile at expecting couples and try not be judgmental of their circumstances.

In the past I wouldn't let it get me down because I always felt my time was coming. My blessing was waiting for me.

But today I began to battle with myself.

Clean living! Bah!

Waiting until I was married and secure to try to start a family. Bah!

Smiling and pushing those envious evil feelings away. Bah!

The little bitch in my blood was stirring today!

I found myself looking at the couples in the waiting room and counting how many had wedding bands on and how many didn't.

I look at the woman with one in her arms and one in her belly, nope no wedding band!

I found myself staring at a well dressed woman who was coughing all over the place without covering her mouth. I pull the collar of my sweater over my nose and mouth without even realizing.

And what's with all the dang baby magazines. Can an infertile like me get a "People" magazine!

I get to the examination room and the nurse updates my file on the computer.

I know the drill. Undress from the waist down and wait on the table.

Then I wait. The only thing to keep me busy is pamphlets on Birth-control and laser hair-removal.

Sometimes If you are lucky, the nurse forgets to close out the computer and you can scroll through your medical file.

Why shouldn't I be able to scroll through? It doesn't tell me anything I don't already know!

I almost expect that maybe they put in little side notes to warn the doctor.

I expect to see, THIS BITCH IS CRAZY!!! or something like that.

No luck, she logged off this time.

So I'm bare azz sitting in the cold examination room staring at a blank wall.

I remember once years ago going to the gyno and there was a poster on the ceiling of condoms around the world. Now that was entertainment!

I was feeling rebellious today. I hopped off the table holding the paper towel skirt they give you and decided to look  in the cabinets. What the heck do they keep in there anyway?

Oh latex gloves and more paper skirts! Too bad my purse is so small. Needed some gloves for cleaning.

In comes the doctor. Polite chit chat follows.

Such a good patient am I. I need no direction. I know exactly how to get into position and where to hang my azz off the table.

She feels me up and violates me with the wooden spatula. Pap-smear Done.

Annual exam complete without anyone knowing how bitchy I really was today!


Does that even count? My attempts at being evil go unrecognized.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQ5VaBgXzuM

New Cycle Started and Little Bit of Brain Garbage

Let me warn you. This post contains a lot of ramblings on. Had a lot on my mind.

 

Well, it seems that I have started a new IVF cycle. Took my first birth-control pill yesterday to begin my "down regulation". I will be doing an "estrogen priming" protocol with the hopes of getting a nice crop of mature eggs.

With my prior cycles,  the lowest retrieved was 8 and the highest being 14. Out of those cycles, 9 was the highest amount of "mature eggs" retrieved. We are hoping this new protocol will give my eggs a chance to mature at a steady pace .

 

Really like to end up with a few "snowbabies" this time.

The new RE we are using has excellent stats for FET. It would be nice to have a backup plan this time.

Because the RE is part of a large IVF network, I will not be cycling within a group.

 

(Some RE's tend to cycle their IVF patients in a group. This way they are able to have the anesthesiologist,embryologist, and lab specialist there for only a week each month rather than full time.etc.)

 

This makes me feel better. I won't be sped up or slowed down when stimming to fit into a schedule. The main IVF center does egg retrievals and transfers 7 days a week. 

 

I'm slowly trying to get my self into IVF mode.  Been exercising since 3 days after my D&C to lose some of the weight left over from my last IVF and short pregnancy but I've been a bit lax about eating right these last few weeks. Went to the produce market to pick up nice leafy green vegetables.

 

I am excited but feeling a bit down at the same time.

 

I wish I had a close group of females to turn to. The women in my life, besides my mother, treat my attempts to become a mother with a bit a skepticism or pessimism.

 

They say the dreadful "Just relax and it will happen. Stop trying, it will happen." Can I get some female cheerleaders on my side?! Lie to me, if you have to! Cheer me on!

 

We've kept my IVF attempts a bit of a secret from my family because we didn't want anyone meddling.

A few weeks ago my older sister was passing through town on her way to an annual family ski trip in Wisconsin.  They just decided to drop in one morning. 

 

The first thing she says is "Did you gain weight? Why do you look sick? why do your eyes look like that?"  I finally broke down and told her about the missed miscarriage. "Why didn't you tell me? Don't keep things like that from me!"

 

 Here's the reason I didn't share any information with her about my recent attempts.

 

Early on when I first attempted getting pregnant via IUI, she wasn't very supportive. "Why do you want to have kids? You have too many nieces and nephews to take care of!"

 

It's not my fault she never taught her daughter, my niece how to keep her legs closed. My niece, her daughter, has 8 children!

 

I stopped sharing about my journey early on. At times she would ask my mother, "is she still messing around with all that medicine? She needs to leave it alone and stop trying to get pregnant!"

 

 

Well stupid me, this time thought she would be sympathetic about my miscarriage and challenges.

After leaving my house the morning of the ski trip, she called me from her cellphone.

 

You know what she said?

" Leave it alone! Stop trying to have a baby."

 

Ain't that a kick in the head. Wow!

 

I gave up trying to find sympathy on the my side of the family.

 

I've got my mother and my nephew on my side and they have always been in my corner.

 

I've now got my Mother-in-law in my corner and my brother-in-law cheering us on. 

 

Then there's my "brother from another mother" and my husbands "best man", he's always been in our corner. He was the one that did the research and who led us to the new RE. In the past, he's been gracious enough to step in and help me with appointments. He always lends a kind ear.

 

Last but not least my dear husband. My cherub! My baby Doll! (he hates when I call him that!) He's my number one cheerleader!

 

I guess that is a good enough support system!

 

 

I guess I'm rambling now!

Have a great weekend!

Has Infertility Broken My Funnybone?

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.Friedrich Nietzsche

Like many women before me dealing with infertility, I say "Well I must be one of the strongest women in the world! I must be Wonderwoman! Heck SheRa!'

SO why do I feel so weak? Why am I as sensitive as an exposed nerve?

I was always a sensitive person, but somehow I was always able to get past things and move forward.

Why is my shell weakening instead of strengthening?

It's strange now. Even movies I once loved can carry loaded messages that are almost unbearable.

One of my favorite movies, an obscure small budget film, touched that raw nerve of infertility.

The opening scene ,which was once comical, is almost painful to watch now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSROlfR7WTo

War! What is it good for?

Last evening while I was refilling my lovely pill tray with vitamins, a strange thought crossed my mind. 12 different supplement pills a day looks really crazy!   Am I at war against my body or am I trying to make it healthier? All those pills look like I am at war! In the journey to conceive, have we declared war on our bodies?   I think about all my cycles. We take tons of supplements. We let strangers probe, poke and jab around in our woohoo. We poke ourselves over and over with needles. First we take one shot to suppress our ovaries 'ssshh! go to sleep ladies' , and then we take shots to stimulate the crap out of them 'wake the hell up you lazy witches! Wake up but don't you dare let those eggs go yet!!."  Poor ovaries! They must think we hate them!   We give one more shot!  Trigger! "Okay you can let go now."    Then too top it all off, we let one stranger drug us and another put a big azz needle inside us and suck the eggs out. I can only imagine what my body would say if it could talk. It's almost like a sadistic assault!    A few days later you let the stranger that sucked your eggs out to pry open your cervix and squirt the eggs back in, then you bombard your body again with progesterone.   You have two choices, either you can stick this big ole messy wax pill in you woohoo or you can trust your husband to jab you in the azzz with a inch and a half length needle ( remember it has to go all the way in).   Then we wait in the two week wait purgatory!   When you look at it that way you wonder what makes us go through with it. In my case it can only be love...I'm working on the faith part.   I'm planning for another IVF cycle in April.

The Broken Soul

"drive home" I told myself. From the parking garage at the OB I called my mother. She was so crushed. My mother is in her eighties and had me in her fourties. My father was 50 when I was born and is no longer living. During my ttc journey the dull aching tick of the clock has been haunting me. My father promised me he would live to hold my first born. Just praying and praying that my mom would get to hold my baby. The pregnancy gave us all so much hope. It gave my mother renewed strength. She calmly told me to drive home and wait for my husband. I walked into the back door and headed to the basement for an empty box. Tore through my closet and bookshelf placing anything baby or pregnancy related into the box. Finally I placed the little fur hat and my u/s pics in last. I was so alone. My baby was gone. My husband made it home in record time. He was going to tell his office that I was pregnant that day. We collapsed into each others arms and wailed. "What had we'd done wrong?"  Was it because I lifted something too heavy? Was it because I vacuumed the bedroom? Was it because we made love? WAS IT BECAUSE I HAD AN ORGASM?!!

The nurse called from the hospital with my instructions. 6:30 am 3rd floor, labor and delivery. LABOR AND DELIVERY!!?? Its like pouring rock salt into my wounds. Tried to sleep that night hoping I would wake from this nightmare. Woke up, no my baby is really gone!  Made an egg for my husband and we drove to the hospital. As we drove I imagined this would've been the same route taken when we the baby was due. Why am I being hurt so badly? Lord, what did I do to deserve this?

The nurse showed me to my room. My husband began asking for another u/s. "I won't believe it until I see it! I won't!' he between sobs. We were a mess,crying so hard we couldn't breath. My dear husband helped me into the hospital gown and we waited. The when the OB arrived she stated that we wouldn't have time for a final u/s and that it would mess up the schedule. She had c-sections scheduled also that morning. She finally gave in and allowed my husband a final look to be sure. I turned my head away. Couldn't bear to see my little one like that. They left us alone and my poor husband punched the wall and fell to pieces. So did I. when my time came, my husband held on to me and didn't want to let go. This was the end of our miraculous pregnancy.

I awoke in a strange bright room ,lying in a huge puddle of blood. "You've been bleeding a lot" a nurse told me. She changed the pad under me and wheeled me back to my husband. Apparently my husband and a long conversation with the doctor and had calmed a bit. We sat in that room, in 'labor and delivery", listening to the sound of a baby's heart beating through a monitor in the next room, one of the c-sections waiting to head into the OR.  WTF! WAS SOMETHING OUT TO GET ME! We sat in a eerie silence that was softly broken by the sound of that baby's heart.  Tears and sobs. A grief counselor was sent in. She made me feel worse. They brought a tray in and wanted me to eat. I gave it to my husband. The nurse was nice enough to let my husband wheel me out.

Weeks later we got the pathology report.

Monosomy X

A little girl with Turner's syndrome. There was nothing I did wrong but love her.

We named her Anya.

We thank Anya for bring so much happiness and hope for those brief few weeks.

As a try to convince myself to do another IVF cycle, I have these strange thoughts.

Was that time so wonderful because it will never happen again. I mean, will I never be pregnant again? Was it so wonderful so that I never forget the time I was really pregnant?

Is this the end of my journey to become a mother to my own child?

I look at myself in the mirror. My eyes are so different.

I used to tell my reflection, "You will be a mama."

Now I can't bring myself to say anything.

It's like my prayers now. I still fall to my knees every night, but my mind goes blank.

What becomes of me now?

Confessions of A Broken Soul

Well, I finally started a Blog. It's been a crazy ride. Not sure If I'm at an end or at a crossroad. I'll give you the cliff's notes version of my ttc journey so far. Flygirl falls in love with Prince Charming after kissing a few frogs. Whirlwind romance, marriage, house, injury. Flygirl's wings get clipped. Grounded !,but it's not so bad. "I can make babies now" she said. " I guess we've saved enough to get started." He said. At first, marathon lovemaking. OPKS and marathon love making. OPKS, basal thermometer, charts and marathon lovemaking. Got a faint BFP!, gone 2 days later. Time to see the doctor. Tests, pokes, jabs, and a squirt in a cup. Unexplained! Clomid, IUIs,BFNs! IVF here we come! IVF #1-"sorry your eggs didn't make it" IVF #2-"we've found a huge polyp, you can have an egg transfer or a hysteroscopy" ET-BFN! on to the hysterscopy IVF#3 -"best cycle you've had" BFP! Beta didn't double! Chemical Then, things almost got good... IVF#4- "even better than last time, 5 day transfer" "positive beta but too low, we think you are having another chemical" 2 days later-"beta almost doubled, doesn't look good" 1 week later-"um, you need to come in for an u/s you beta is still climbing may be ectopic" 2 days after U/S- "Congrats you've got a pregnancy in there!" The following week- "WOW! That's your baby's heartbeat!" Too stunned to walk or talk! Cloud nine! God's miracle! Face hurts from smiling! U/S at 9 weeks- "heartbeat perfect, little butterbean brings tears to his eyes" We are so in love!! Staring at butterbean's picture and swooning like teenage girls watching Twilight. Happiest New year ever!!!! "Don't buy anything!" he says. Bought the cutest little fake fur hat. Hid it from him. Bought little pjs with teddybear ears. As I held the pj's in my hands I just couldn't imagine something of my flesh wearing it. I couldn't imagine how it would feel held firmly in my arms. I couldn't imagine that I would finally hold my baby. 12 weeks- I'm lightly spotting. Off to the OB for emergency u/s. I assure myself that everything is okay and I'm just being cautious. I stand in the mirror and giggle to myself as my belly bulges past my jeans. "God wouldn't break my husband's heart. It's okay if you breaks mine but please God don't hurt my husband and my baby. I know you don't want to hurt them."   I drive myself to the OB and soon find myself on the table getting an u/s.  "what?"  I don't see my butterbean. "omg, it looks like it lying in the sack like a heap!" No hints for the sonographer. "Go empty you bladder" I return to the sonographer bent over my u/s pics writing nervously. She turns the monitor away from me and begins the vaginal u/s but not before almost shoving the probe into the wrong hole. In my head..."God don't let this happen to me while I'm all by myself. How am I going to drive home? You are good. You won't let it be bad. Things are OK, I'm just being silly" The sonographer leaves the room and tells me the Doctor will be with me shortly. "God you won't hurt my husband. My heart is always being broken don't break his too!" The midwife comes in and says things don't look good. My baby died inside of me and my body didn't want to let go. "Wake up, wake the frak up now! You're having that nightmare again wake the hell up!"  I screamed in my head. Before she could even list my options and blurted "D&C!" "Seems like you've thought about this" she said.  "No, I'm just finally getting used to it always being bad news" I said.  She went on about how she was so sorry and that she would shut up because it was probably making me feel worse. "drive safe okay, see you in the morning" "thanks" rest of the story tomorrow