Confessions of A Broken Soul

Well, I finally started a Blog. It's been a crazy ride. Not sure If I'm at an end or at a crossroad. I'll give you the cliff's notes version of my ttc journey so far. Flygirl falls in love with Prince Charming after kissing a few frogs. Whirlwind romance, marriage, house, injury. Flygirl's wings get clipped. Grounded !,but it's not so bad. "I can make babies now" she said. " I guess we've saved enough to get started." He said. At first, marathon lovemaking. OPKS and marathon love making. OPKS, basal thermometer, charts and marathon lovemaking. Got a faint BFP!, gone 2 days later. Time to see the doctor. Tests, pokes, jabs, and a squirt in a cup. Unexplained! Clomid, IUIs,BFNs! IVF here we come! IVF #1-"sorry your eggs didn't make it" IVF #2-"we've found a huge polyp, you can have an egg transfer or a hysteroscopy" ET-BFN! on to the hysterscopy IVF#3 -"best cycle you've had" BFP! Beta didn't double! Chemical Then, things almost got good... IVF#4- "even better than last time, 5 day transfer" "positive beta but too low, we think you are having another chemical" 2 days later-"beta almost doubled, doesn't look good" 1 week later-"um, you need to come in for an u/s you beta is still climbing may be ectopic" 2 days after U/S- "Congrats you've got a pregnancy in there!" The following week- "WOW! That's your baby's heartbeat!" Too stunned to walk or talk! Cloud nine! God's miracle! Face hurts from smiling! U/S at 9 weeks- "heartbeat perfect, little butterbean brings tears to his eyes" We are so in love!! Staring at butterbean's picture and swooning like teenage girls watching Twilight. Happiest New year ever!!!! "Don't buy anything!" he says. Bought the cutest little fake fur hat. Hid it from him. Bought little pjs with teddybear ears. As I held the pj's in my hands I just couldn't imagine something of my flesh wearing it. I couldn't imagine how it would feel held firmly in my arms. I couldn't imagine that I would finally hold my baby. 12 weeks- I'm lightly spotting. Off to the OB for emergency u/s. I assure myself that everything is okay and I'm just being cautious. I stand in the mirror and giggle to myself as my belly bulges past my jeans. "God wouldn't break my husband's heart. It's okay if you breaks mine but please God don't hurt my husband and my baby. I know you don't want to hurt them."   I drive myself to the OB and soon find myself on the table getting an u/s.  "what?"  I don't see my butterbean. "omg, it looks like it lying in the sack like a heap!" No hints for the sonographer. "Go empty you bladder" I return to the sonographer bent over my u/s pics writing nervously. She turns the monitor away from me and begins the vaginal u/s but not before almost shoving the probe into the wrong hole. In my head..."God don't let this happen to me while I'm all by myself. How am I going to drive home? You are good. You won't let it be bad. Things are OK, I'm just being silly" The sonographer leaves the room and tells me the Doctor will be with me shortly. "God you won't hurt my husband. My heart is always being broken don't break his too!" The midwife comes in and says things don't look good. My baby died inside of me and my body didn't want to let go. "Wake up, wake the frak up now! You're having that nightmare again wake the hell up!"  I screamed in my head. Before she could even list my options and blurted "D&C!" "Seems like you've thought about this" she said.  "No, I'm just finally getting used to it always being bad news" I said.  She went on about how she was so sorry and that she would shut up because it was probably making me feel worse. "drive safe okay, see you in the morning" "thanks" rest of the story tomorrow