Sunday, May 15, 2011

Blogger Deleted Posts and Comments

First I would like to thank you all for the kind comments.

Blogger had some malfunction and temporarily deleted my last two posts and comments.
I did get to read your kind comments before the mishap.

While my dear husband was catching a connecting flight in Houston, he called and I gave him the bad news.

Although he was disappointed, he took it rather well.
I think we are finally becoming numb to the disappointment.

I shifted into auto drive and dove into housework.
Laid out my husbands work clothes, packed his lunch, prepped the coffee pot, and made a small dinner.
Just kinda numb.

The next day I took my mother to get her PICC line removed.
We will no longer have to give her antibiotics via IV.
Took her to Walmart to get a few skeins of yarn. She loves to crochet.
The craft's section was right next to baby section.
My mother said, "not yet but soon. I'm not going yet. We have time"

Actually seeing all the little outfits didn't hurt as bad as it had in the past, but
hearing her say that made me go slowly go numb, from the top of my head, to my face, and straight to my toes.
I hate this. I really do. This really sucks.
This is a sickening ride that I am on.

Aunt Flo showed her face yesterday.
Have to call the RE's nurse tomorrow and start birth control.
Prepping for a frozen embryo transfers now.
I have two frozen embryos.
The day of my 5 day transfer, I still had 6 embies going and the lab tech estimated that I would have 3 good ones to freeze.
However, my RE's office only freezes on the 6th day and only freezes "good"grade blasts.
Still not sure what this could mean for us.
A 4bb blast and an early blast was transferred and I still ended up negative.
My missed miscarriage last cycle was only an early blast and it implanted.
Why didn't this "better" blast implant?

This is so hard. Why do I yearn so desperately for a baby of my own.

How to I begin to quell this overwhelming desire?

How do I begin to let go?

How do I tell my arms that they might never hold a child of it's own flesh?

How do I tell my battered body to let go of the desire and pain?

How do I begin to fill the hole in my heart that faith once occupied?

No honestly, what do you believe in when your faith is gone and seems like a childhood notion?

What do you do when your perceptions of a loving God have been replaced with just fear?

What do you do when you drop to your kneed and pray out of fear instead of Love and faith?

How do I love, if he allows me to suffer so greatly?

Why can't He take this desire from me, if it is not meant to be?

What do you do when you can't live without bracing for the next impact?

My rose-colored glasses have gone black.

I often celebrate days when my home phone never rings.

My home phone has become a hot-line for grief and sadness.

How the heck can I get over the desire to have a child of my own?

How can I let go?

How do I move on?
I ask my therapist this all the time.
How?

2 comments:

Kim said...

Oh my sweet friend, I haven't been online but came to check on you first, only top my surprise, to see the negative. I am so sorry
And makes me angry that your used to to the failed cycles, it's so not fair. I really believe it will happen in his perfect timing, whenever that is. I don't know know why he puts the desire in our hearts so much sooner than he fufills it, I think to draw us closer, I'm not sure, I wish I had the answers. I have been trying to come to acceptance of a potential ch.d free life, I hate to think that way, but it's possible.....sometimes I get scared and believe its may never happen, talk about lack of faith.

I am so happy you have the frozenembies so you dont have to go through retrieval this time around, praying that your baby and his perfect timing and working in conjunction here. Love you....xoxoxoxoxox

Kez71 said...

I don't know how to answer your questions as they are often my own questions also. I saw a poem a long time ago that helps me get through it with hope still intact..I hope it can help you also. xxx

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

“Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

“My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

“You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."