When Can I Breath?

After a busy holiday I had time to scan and upload a picture of my babies!
 6 weeks 1 day

The night before my ultrasound, I bounced back and forth in my thoughts.
I really wanted twins but with my luck, I just prayed that it wasn't a blighted ovum, ectopic, or molar pregnancy.
I meditated on the thought, "just let it be a healthy pregnancy, just let it be a healthy pregnancy."
Convinced myself that this was all that I wanted.
The next morning right before heading out the door and to the garaged, I just dropped to my knees and prayed.
"Oh Jesus! Please let there be two healthy babies!"

I was so nervous on the drive to the RE, I couldn't focus.

I was on autopilot at the RE's office.
Went into the bathroom changed into my paper skirt and hopped on the table.
Husband was so nervous, he would stop talking, I mean it was like he was foaming at the mouth.
The U/S tech probed me with the dildo cam, Laugh and said, " do you guys have a van?"
Okay I thought it's definitely multiples!
Twins! Oh Lord thank you, twins!

I was 6 weeks 1 days.
Baby A measured 6 weeks 1day
Baby B measured 6 weeks 2 days
Hallelujah!
And there were heartbeats in both!!!
One baby's heartbeat was slightly higher than the other.
The U/S tech said she was betting that one was a girl and the other a boy.
She said everything looked perfect and that the heartbeats were perfect.
Wow, I was in shock.

It was incredible, a year ago with my angel baby, Anya, at this point she didn't have a heartbeat and was measuring a week behind.

Still I was in so much shock.
Husband didn't shut up.
He was talking about all kinds of things without taking a breath.
He was speaking so fast I couldn't think or respond.
He and the RE talked about all kinds of everything as I sat there staring at a Turkish fertility statue with 20 breast on the RE's desk.
I just wanted my husband to shut up and for the RE to tell me everything is alright and that I could relax.
RE told me that once I get the initial scans done that I should go on a vacation.
Oh, and that I had to say goodbye to my high heeled combat boots.lol!
Things were going great, have a Merry Christmas.

I was overjoyed, overjoyed, overjoyed!

Crash!

Sadly that same day, another friend on the TWW blog had a second ultrasound only to discover that she had lost one of her twins.

By evening my bubble had burst.
She had excellent measurements and heartbeats.
What the hell happened?

Now I'm back to the insane terrified waiting game again.
I am terrified. I really want both of my babies.
I've started the ugly cycle of referring to google for all information about vanishing twins, etc etc.
I can't help it. It's a vicious cycle.

I really want both of these babies so so much!
Am I greedy for wanting 2?

When can I ever relax and just enjoy the good news?

Trying to stay positive and just be happy for what I have right now.
Today is a hard day 17yrs ago today ,I lost my father and my maternal grandmother just hours apart.