Enjoying The LIttle Things

Zombieland Rule #32
You can’t spend all your time worrying about where your next Twinkie is going to come from, so follow rule #32 and Enjoy The Little Things.

So much has occurred since my last post.
I'm learning to enjoy the things.
I'm learning to relish the time when the things aren't going crazy.

Just a day after my last post, we rushed my mother back to the hospital.
On her way to the bathroom, the tube and bag that was draining the abscess on her liver just dropped out!
My freaked out sister had it in a Ziploc bag when I arrived.
Off we rushed to the emergency room.
Doctor decided that it was no longer needed, patched her up and sent her back home.

That night I decided to stay up late and do absolutely nothing worthwhile.
It felt good.
Took the doggie out at 2am so I could sleep in.
Woke her up, laid her in the grass and said "go out, good girl."
I swear I think the poor doggie peed with her eyes closed.
I thoroughly enjoyed my midnight me time.
Slept in late the next day.
The phone didn't ring.
No bad news yet that morning.
This was so good!
Worked in my garden.
My cucumber plants have exploded, spent a long time tying the branches and redirecting them so they don't kill off my other plants.
Picked a bunch too.
I got real good giggle when I picked the shortest fat cucumber I had ever seen.
"short and thick does the trick" lol!

Here's the question, would I have enjoyed these simple things as much if I hadn't been through so much lately? 

Then that afternoon, I think my reproductive organs might have turned themselves back on.
Did I feel my ovaries wake up?
Was this finally a break in the longest cycle I have ever had!
Perfect timing, my husband was due home the next day after a two week business trip to eastern Europe.
I have gotten pregnant naturally before.
I still have a little hope that the planets will align, and the clouds will part, and pigs will fly.
It could happen.

Ouch, but it kinda feels like I could be constipated too.
Gonna throw that man down and do the babydance anyway.
Can't pass up a chance no matter how slim.

Saturday morning, took doggie to her training class.
She's in the advanced class so she doesn't need to be leashed.
The only problem is that she has a creepy admirer, a tan poodle named "Teddy".
I refer to him as "the rapist".
Whenever my little girl doggie is performing a trick or distracted with another dog, "the rapist" likes to try to mount and hump her.
My little girl doggie is fixed but I don't like him taking advantage of her.
The trainer says this is just a dominance thing and sprays him with water.
It's not like this happens once or twice.
He takes advantage of any moment he can.
But Saturday, I had my new weapon, better than a spray bottle.
I bought a watergun , filled it with water, and chilled it in the refrigerator.
"Ready, Teddy!"
I was prepared to douse his flames of lust.
I enjoyed class so much and doggie did so well she was invited to help out in the next class of beginners.

It was getting late and husband would be home soon!
Yippee!
But his ankle might be broken.
Boo!
He won't need his ankle to babydance anyway!
Yippee!

Rushed home and made a yummy yummy dinner of chicken breast and homemade dressing.

When hubby exited the taxi, my jaw dropped.
He was in what looked to be a cast all the way up to his kneecap and struggling with a crutch.
Goodness!
I had to carry all the luggage in for him.
Despite being injured Hubby had brought tons of European candy for me.
Even KitKats taste better if they are from Europe.
The candy companies are giving us Americans brown wax instead of chocolate!

Happy evening, great dinner, rounds of baby dancing!

I have to enjoy these times even if it is something so simple because, things can get pretty bad around here quickly.

Fast forward to Monday

Monday- take hubby to doctor and then to the imaging center for tests.
Had to almost jump through hoops to get the referrals from the insurance, but I did it.

Tuesday- take hubby to the specialist...Ankle not broken, cast removed.
Yippee!
Hubby still lazy!
Boo!

Wednesday- Consultation with the RE. Once I get my period, I start birth control pills to prepare me for my FET cycle.
"The problem is Doc, I still haven't gotten my period."
Doc actually thought I might be pregnant.
Ultrasound...empty uterus with thin lining.
Beta- negative
Boooo!
Doc confused because I had progesterone in my system, gave me Provera, and told me to only take it for 5 days and call if no period and run more tests.

Maybe I did ovulate and wasn't constipated.

Still sitting here in limboland, but I'm trying to enjoy the little things.

Griping in Limboland

My mother came home from the hospital yesterday.
The stint that was placed in her liver a few months back had become dislodged and she had developed an infection.
She came home with a drain tube for the remaining abscess on her liver.
A nurse will be visiting a few times a week until the tube is removed.
Mom is feeling a little better and happy to be home.

Hope that this will give us more time.
I want to be pregnant with a healthy baby while my mom can still enjoy it with me.

My husband may have broken his ankle while in Prague.
He did not see a doctor until he arrived in Poland and they couldn't confirm or deny a fracture.
He was given a blood thinner to inject everyday until he sees the doctor here on Monday.
He's not doing well and can't wait to be back home.
Just a few more days before the audit is done and he's back home!
Poor baby has gotten pretty good at giving injections thanks to all the cycles I have had.
I miss my poor misiu.

It's been 19 days since my FET cycle was cancelled.
I stopped the estrogen and lupron 19 days ago.
I'm usually a 28 day cycle girl but with this cancelled cycle I'm at cycle day 46.
As much as I hate to see Aunt Flo, I'm wondering where she went.
I tested bfn last Wednesday and today with a really horrible Accuclear.
Accuclear's or any +/- pregnancy test will almost always turn faint positive after 10 minutes.
Mine was blank after 7.
So where is AF so I can get started on another cycle!

Getting a little agitated here in limboland.

I have no symptoms of anything.
I don't feel like I'm going to ovulate.
I don't feel like AF is coming.
My temperature is below 98.6F despite it being 100F outside today.

Limboland!

I really need to get started on a new cycle.

Starting to get the Infertility Crazies!

Just when I was at peace for a short while, my infertility demon reared its head.

Jealously and anger cannot be avoided once you've been trying to conceive for over 2 years.
To restate, early on, I did feel it in small doses but I always reassured myself that my time would come.

Well today I am quite furious with my situation once again.
I'm furious with everything.
I'm furious at the hand that was dealt.

Two days ago, a large packaged arrived in my mailbox.
It was two samples of baby formula!
WTF!!!
I guess when I signed up for newsletters when I was pregnant my due date was recorded.
Well My Anya would have been born in August.
Despite cancelling and removing my self from the mailing lists, I must have not been removed from one of them

This morning I was checking my email and ran across the blog of one of my former cycle buddies.
Short version
She and I tended to cycle at the same time when we were ttc naturally.
Many times I would help her with her charts, temps , etc.
She's lives in the area and when she went through her IVF cycle, we were in constant contact.
She texted me constantly and I didn't have an unlimited text package at the time(that was an ugly bill)
I virtually held her hand throughout her cycle.
I was a few days ahead and got my positive first.
Then she got hers.
I had my first IVF bfp and chemical pregnancy .
She went went on to deliver a healthy baby earlier this year.
I last heard from her when I miscarried at 12 weeks this January.
She sent me a message.
"Maybe a doctor can figure out what's wrong with you"
I wish I could reach out through cyberspace and smack the crap out of her!

Well her baby is a few months old now and she complains about motherhood on her blog.
Again, I wish I could reach through cyberspace and smack the crap out of her.
I know adjusting to motherhood can be difficult but knowing her history and struggles, she just seems ungrateful as hell.

Maybe I'm just pissed at being left behind so many times.
I'm just tired of being left here in limboland.

Reproductive Endocrinologist,Oncologist, psychologist, psychiatrist... Emergency room!

It's late.
I'm so tired.
Got a migraine, again.
Please excuse my crazy ramblings, typos and grammatical errors.

Sorry I didn't update sooner, but my FET cycle was cancelled.
My lining never got thicker than 6mm and then got thinner despite my big estrogen numbers.
RE decided to cancel my cycle, give my body a chance to reboot and start again next cycle.
I was very disappointed that day and decided to try to enjoy that weekend with my husband and my little doggie.
We bought her a doggie life vest to aid in her swimming.
She loved it. I even uploaded a video of her first swim in the big kids pool.
Show it to you in a post soon.

Waiting for the witch, aunt Flo, monthly visitor.
She's MIA right now.
Somehow I got the stupid idea to test.
Once again another stark white test stared back at me.
Even think I got a yeast infection a couple of days ago, but I also suspect the cheapo toilet paper I got on sale last week.
Now I remember why I always stuck to the good brands of toilet paper.

Husband left for a 2 week business trip to parts of Europe on Saturday.
He didn't want to go and woke up that morning with a terrible cold and congestion.

Sunday afternoon I met with my therapist who stated that I was handling all the stress quite well.
I guess I'm a good actress or maybe I really am handling it well.
Who knows

This week got off to an unpleasant start.

Monday morning a fast moving storm raged through the area knocking down power lines and paralysing the area.
Mom had an appointment with her primary care physician which was 2 blocks away from her house.
I had no power, mom had no power, and I came to find out that all the medical centers in her insurance group had no power.
Mom had a slight temperature and was told to go to the nearest Emergency Room.
Doctors diagnosed her with a UTI gave her antibiotics and sent her home.
Thank goodness the power was restored. Even today there are areas that still haven't been restored.

Wednesday

Took mom to the oncologist office for her next round of chemo.
Oncologist told us that another CT scan needed to be performed before she could do another round.
Oncologist not sure if chemo is helping or making things worse for mom.
Chemo cancelled.
This didn't sound like good news.

Thursday

Mom felt well enough to walk to her followup appt at the primary care doctor.
Her temperature was normal, heart rate normal, etc , etc.

I met with Dr. Feelgood, my psychiatrist, I see him every few months whenever I am on anxiety medication.
I've been on and off anxiety meds since a chemical pregnancy in August of last year.
He also thought I was handling my anxiety quite well.

Am I or am I about to really lose it?

I felt quite good by this afternoon.
Loaded my doggie into the car to head over to Mom's for the afternoon.
Spotted a garage sale a few blocks from my house.
Got a book self for 102 year old antique books and a ornate table from the 1920's for $20.
Happily doggie and I made our short trek to Mom's.
As I parked in front of the house, my cellphone rang.
It was my sister and she didn't sound too good.

With the doggie under my arm, I dashed up the front stairs and into the house.
I found my sister in tears and my mother lying in the bed with a thermometer in her mouth.
Her temperature had reached 103F.

Prior to my arriving, my mother had become ill and collapsed in the bathroom.
My big sis had carried her into the bedroom.
Just hours earlier, she had a normal temperature at the doctor's office.
It was so sudden!
I knew we had to get her to the hospital.
We got a wash pan , cleaned her, got her dressed and pinned her long locks into a bun.
She kept refusing to go to the hospital.
She was too weak to walk.
I knew that the emergency room at the hospital would be full as usual.
It would be better to let her be taken by ambulance.
That way she would get taken care of right away.
I couldn't risk getting there and having mom pretend to be feeling fine.
They would have probably given her some Tylenol to lower her fever a bit and have her wait in the lobby for a few hours.

Ambulance number 29 arrived at the front door quickly.
The last time an ambulance was at my parent's front door was when my father collapsed and died in the living room over17 yrs ago.
That ambulance was ambulance number 29.
My legs went numb, starting from my toes and all the way up.
I had to keep my cool.
My big sis was crying and my favorite nephew(grandma's boy) was freaking out.
My sister rode with my mom and my nephew and I drove slowly, stunned, shocked, and carefully to the hospital in silence.
I don't like ambulance number 29.
She was admitted to the emergency room right away and began receiving treatment.
Another infection
I think this is common with liver cancer.
She stabilized and was admitted to the hospital this evening.
This is the 4th time in the last three months.
She is so tired.
I hate to see her suffer like this.
At the moment,I sit here typing in a strange condition.
So tired of so much
so much
so much
Are these the times when God is supposed to be carrying me?
I feel so alone and lost.

I look back at how I felt on New Year's day.
I was pregnant, my mom was doing and feeling fine, and this year held so much promise.
These would have been my final weeks of pregnancy and my little girl would have been born soon.
Instead, it has been month after month of pain and suffering.
This year really sucks.

I look forward to the few hours of sleep tonight.
What will tomorrow bring?

FET Cycle May Be Cancelled

Went to the doctor for my ultrasound and blood work.
Even with the increase of estrogen, my lining thickness is at a standstill.
Actually my lining is thinner than last Friday's appointment.
Looks like this cycle is a bust and I will have to start preparing for my FET all over again.
Just waiting for the call.
I drove home in a daze.
Is my body starting to seriously fail?
Am I falling apart?
I don't have the luxury of time.
It is very possible that my mother will not be here when and if I ever have a baby.
I would like to at least be pregnant with a healthy baby before she is gone.