When Can I Breath?

After a busy holiday I had time to scan and upload a picture of my babies!
 6 weeks 1 day

The night before my ultrasound, I bounced back and forth in my thoughts.
I really wanted twins but with my luck, I just prayed that it wasn't a blighted ovum, ectopic, or molar pregnancy.
I meditated on the thought, "just let it be a healthy pregnancy, just let it be a healthy pregnancy."
Convinced myself that this was all that I wanted.
The next morning right before heading out the door and to the garaged, I just dropped to my knees and prayed.
"Oh Jesus! Please let there be two healthy babies!"

I was so nervous on the drive to the RE, I couldn't focus.

I was on autopilot at the RE's office.
Went into the bathroom changed into my paper skirt and hopped on the table.
Husband was so nervous, he would stop talking, I mean it was like he was foaming at the mouth.
The U/S tech probed me with the dildo cam, Laugh and said, " do you guys have a van?"
Okay I thought it's definitely multiples!
Twins! Oh Lord thank you, twins!

I was 6 weeks 1 days.
Baby A measured 6 weeks 1day
Baby B measured 6 weeks 2 days
Hallelujah!
And there were heartbeats in both!!!
One baby's heartbeat was slightly higher than the other.
The U/S tech said she was betting that one was a girl and the other a boy.
She said everything looked perfect and that the heartbeats were perfect.
Wow, I was in shock.

It was incredible, a year ago with my angel baby, Anya, at this point she didn't have a heartbeat and was measuring a week behind.

Still I was in so much shock.
Husband didn't shut up.
He was talking about all kinds of things without taking a breath.
He was speaking so fast I couldn't think or respond.
He and the RE talked about all kinds of everything as I sat there staring at a Turkish fertility statue with 20 breast on the RE's desk.
I just wanted my husband to shut up and for the RE to tell me everything is alright and that I could relax.
RE told me that once I get the initial scans done that I should go on a vacation.
Oh, and that I had to say goodbye to my high heeled combat boots.lol!
Things were going great, have a Merry Christmas.

I was overjoyed, overjoyed, overjoyed!

Crash!

Sadly that same day, another friend on the TWW blog had a second ultrasound only to discover that she had lost one of her twins.

By evening my bubble had burst.
She had excellent measurements and heartbeats.
What the hell happened?

Now I'm back to the insane terrified waiting game again.
I am terrified. I really want both of my babies.
I've started the ugly cycle of referring to google for all information about vanishing twins, etc etc.
I can't help it. It's a vicious cycle.

I really want both of these babies so so much!
Am I greedy for wanting 2?

When can I ever relax and just enjoy the good news?

Trying to stay positive and just be happy for what I have right now.
Today is a hard day 17yrs ago today ,I lost my father and my maternal grandmother just hours apart.

U/S Update

Running tons of errands today but I needed to pop in for a quick update.

The first thing the ultrasound technician said was, "do you guys own a van?"
Almost went numb!

It's twins!!!

Thank you Jesus!!
Please God let me keep my babies!!!

Another Long Wait

First I would like to apologize if my last post seemed a bit strange.
I had let anxiety get the best of me.
The Internet can be a dangerous place for a woman who's battled infertility.
For every good story you find there are two sad.
I'm a little hesitant to relax even with good beta numbers.
I start to overanalyze everything.
Its like being afraid to exhale and enjoy the moment.
I worried because my numbers only doubled every two days,when unread that other women's betas may have tripled.
I began to worry that my high numbers may be a sign of a genetic defect.
Basically, I almost lost my mind in a few short hours.
That darn infertility demon tried to get hold of me.
I'm feeling a bit better and trying to relax.
Trying...but I constantly run to the toilet to check if I am spotting.
Darn progesterone suppositories make me feel messy all day but I haven't spotted since 12dpo or 7 dp5dt.
Even though spotting is normal according to the hand out the hit RE gave me, I am terrified that it may occur.
Took another hpt this afternoon, the test line was darker than the control line.
You would think that would calm my crazies down.
Nope!
My ultrasound is a week away but it feels like years.

Almost exactly a year ago I was in low beta hell with my last pregnancy.
I heard that babys heartbeat for the first time the week before Christmas last year.
That ended in a missed m/c at almost 12 weeks.

I pray to God for peace, faith and patience.
I just want to know everything's going to be alright.

In pray to God for peace and patience.

Please excuse my junky posts, I'm using my phone.

Final beta, whew

Well after having several panic attacks this morning,
I broke down and called the nurse for my beta results.

I have been obsessing with numbers for the past couple is days.

The nurse was just about to phone me when I called.

The nurse stated that my test results were excellent and did double.
Whew thank god!

My next appointment is on December 23rd for my first ultrasound.

Im no longer going to post or think about numbers.

I came pretty close to a mental breakdown this morning.

Not fun, the Internet can be a information overload and it really pushed my buttons and provoked all kinds of fears.
So now that the numbers are behind me, it's time to smile and enjoy this time.

Beta #2

Quick update by phone Hcg 1500
So far so good. One more beta on Wednesday.

Beta results

Well, just popping in with my phone
Nurse called with my results
HCG 560!!! At 10dp5dt
I'm pregnant!!!
Cautiously optimistic!
Second beta on Monday.

ALittle Scared

Yesterday afternoon, I discovered some brown spotting.
Scared the pants off of me.
I couldn't eat almost couldn't move.
Referred to the Internet and it can be common after getting a BFP.
Still really didn't calm me enough.
With my chemical pregnancy after IVF, I also had brown spotting on 7dp5dt and it continued until the Re told me that my hcg numbers didn't rise.
So spotting scares the crap out of me.
I had given my husband my large envelopes of pregnancy test to hide from me the day before, so I didn't have any test.
When he got home I checked and found then in his briefcase.
I swore I wouldn't test again, but I needed to or I would lose my mind.
This is the result.
It calms me a bit, but spotting is a very scary thing for me.
Woke up this morning and I have a terrible pain in my back.
Not sure if I slept wrong or maybe its from the massage chair at the manicurist.
Scared!
Only 2 more days til my beta and I can't wait.
What to do?

Praying

Silly me has been taking test since Friday morning which was 3dp5dt.
On Friday evening I started getting faint lines so dipped one in tap water as a control.
That one was negative.

This is today's test 5dp5dt.
Praying hard, I have suffered many early losses.
Praying for a sticky bean!!

Transfer Complete

Just popping in with the use of my iPhone
My embryos are safe inside of me.
We brought our embabies home today.
I saw them on the monitor and they were hatching.
Got pics I hope to post soon.
I'm in love!
Oh God, please let me keep them.
On bedrest for the next couple days.
Please let these babies stick!

Recap, Update, Transfer tomorrow...I hope!

Sorry I haven't been posting lately.

Here's a quick recap

My mother in law had her stomach surgery and is recovering well.
The doctor was able to save 10% of her stomach and create a pouch.
Although she has a feeding tube, she has been actually eating for almost a week now and will be transferred to a rehab facility today.
She will need more chemo but the outlook is better than we expected.

My mom is doing well and is happily stable and at home.

My FET transfer was almost cancelled.
At my second scan my lining had actually went down.
I was not in a good place, was sure it would be cancelled.
The Re gave me a few days and rescanned.
It did increase so I was given another week to grow a bit more lining.
Cramming in a few more acupuncture sessions and having orgasms 2x a day with the hope of increasing the lining.

My transfer is tomorrow, still waiting for the main office to call me with the time.
Forcing myself to eat pineapple core as I type. Ugh!!
I requested a Valium for my transfer.
It's not protocol for my new RE but the past few times my egg implanted it was used.
Kinda funny when you get the prescription, it's just one tiny tablet rolling around in a huge bottle.
Downed a bottle of pomegranate yesterday.
can't hurt right?

Well, I'm nervous and scared out of my mind right now.
Since this is a 5 day transfer , it won't take long before I will know if it worked.
That's scary!
The pregnancy fantasy time will be shorter than a two week wait!
I have about 50 pregnancy strips in the linen closet.
Now I wish I didn't.

Whew, wish me luck!

Quick Update On a Busy Week

First I would like to say that I hope many of you benefited from my last post.

I was unaware of the IVF tax deduction myself.

I also found out from my dear friend Kez, that in Australia, she would get back 20 cents on every dollar she spend on IVF back.

Look into what programs your country might have.

Okay, quick rundown.

I have been on estrogen for the past week.
I am also on Trental it increase the blood flow to my uterus.

Broke down and went to the acupuncturist even though I don't believe much in the practice.
Trying really hard to wrap my mind around it and give it a chance to help me.
I'm two session in and hope to have it done 2x a week until the transfer.

My first ultrasound lining check showed that my lining was right were it should be at this time.
The nurses cheered me on,
I was happy for a few hours, but began to worry again.

"what if it just plateaus and starts going thin again?"

I started Viagra suppositories this week.
Thought they would be just like the nasty progesterone ones.
UGHH, they are messier and irritate a bit!
I have to wear a pad to prevent leakage, not just a liner.
No big deal once you get past that part.
And no.. they don't make you a HORNY housewife!
I am also using a technique another girlfriend told me about.
Orgasms to increase blood flow to the uterus and help the lining.
Okay the Viagra does allow me to have marathon sessions with that method.

Had sessions with the psych and therapist. I seem to be doing pretty good despite all the stressful situations.

Finally, my mother in law will be having her stomach removed on Monday.
She has a serious form of stomach cancer and this will extend her life.
Mentally preparing myself so I can be strong for my husband and his brother.
They have never dealt with anything like this, and unfortunately I am too familiar with dealing with sicks parents.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Quick Blog for You TTcers and IVFers in The U.S.

Just found this out and wanted to pass this on about tax deductions.

IVF is tax deductable!
Check ou this link
http://www.ehow.com/print/how_6058411_deduct-cost-ivf-federal-taxes.html

Will pass any more information I come across.
Husband is a CPA and he didn't even know about this.

What I've Learned About BabyDancing, From one TTcer to Another

Back with more brained clutter as promised!

Again I am not a doctor or professional, just a chick passing on my experiences.

Babydancing,
 in other words getting it on with your husband with the hopes of conceiving a child, doing the deed, horizontal mambo, bumping uglies, play hide the hot dog, or  "let's rub one out before I fall asleep".

Once you've been in the ttc game for a while you will begin to refer to the act of making love as Babydancing or BD.

It's funny how we use these words in our every day vocabulary.

A nurse once asked me if my husband and I had relations the night before I took my trigger shot for IUI. Without thinking, I said "oh yeah we babydanced twice"
She looked at me like I was an idiot.

The first thing my newest Re told me was to never stop making love, no matter what the diagnosis.
He stated that, just because doctors or tests may say one thing , it doesn't mean it can't happen.
I guess this really is true if you still a uterus and ovaries.

So in my opinion, if you love our husband, and he loves you, never stop sharing your love with each other. Even when you have dealt with so many disappointments or failures, remember to still come together in an act of love.

A few rules to babydancing if you are chasing that egg

It is quality not quantity, well let me explain.
Making love every or every other day during your fertile time, not having a marathon session one day a week .
Not that anything is wrong with that but it's a lot better statistically to spread the seed out to make sure you've got your bases covered.  Give you husband's reserves a chance to replenish between those sessions.

Do not use lube unless it is specifically designed to be sperm friendly. Most other lubes trap the sperm and slow them down. You can still get pregnant using these but it's not favorable if you are TTC.

Oral sex is nice, but saliva is not. It can harm the sperm. sorry save this for afterwards.

You being aroused is a plus. You being aroused causes the blood to flow to all right areas. You being aroused gets your natural lubricants flowing, which is good, sperm need a warm wet place to swim in.
Don't you want to enjoy it too!
You having an orgasm after he ejaculates is also a good thing, but I'll get to that later.

Keep yourself a nice towel and designate a babydance pillow.
You'll be amazed at how a good pillow can factor  into the equation.
It can help with love making positions and once your husband ejaculates, you can use it to elevate your hips to allow gravity to help guide the sperm to your fallopian tubes.

Positions, be creative and enjoy yourself. Once you get the whole idea of what gives you good penetration and elevated hips, you can come up with tons of positions you may have never though off. 
However, with this in mind, you realize that you on top and reverse cowgirl is probably out of the question.

Okay, once your husband reaches orgasm, you stop everything and get those hips elevated.
Let gravity help those boys get to those eggs.
Use your trusty pillow to get comfortable and YOU stay there relaxed for about 20 minutes.
Don't hop up and run to the bathroom.  (Not urinating right after sex doesn't always give you a bladder infection)
You need those boys (sperm) to get to where they need to.
Some say having an orgasm after your husband ejaculates can help the cervix to pull the sperm up.
Hey it doesn't hurt!
If your husband can't help you, you can always handle it yourself by hand or with a small assistance device( vibrator).
However, I would avoid using any device that involves penetration.
I found one the fit on the tip of my finger. It's awesome. it is!

Now relax there and let the positive feelings wash over you.

I have unexplained infertility. I have had IUI's and IVFs. I have conceived naturally and twice with IVF and still have no children. . I haven't given up babydancing. I may not always follow my own formula, but I still enjoy babydancing with my husband.

Sometimes I feel that I may give up trying with A.R.T. but I will always babydance with my husband.
Hey, the stars might align and it might just happen for us.

Just An Update Between Blogs

So sorry I haven't been back to tackle things or dumps some of my experiences on you lately.

I hopefully plan to continue my brain garbage rants about Bding (baby dancing)and HPTs soon.

My mother is doing quite well and will be having another stint replaced in her liver as a preemptive procedure to maintain her comfort and stabilized condition. Her appetite has returned and she is gaining weight. Her jaundice has cleared up also.

A few days ago my MIL (mother in law) was diagnosed with a stomach cancer and will be having surgery to remove most of her stomach. This may buy her more time.

So now we are dealing with terminally ill mothers as well as infertility.

We are so overwhelmed mentally right now.
I am trying to help my husband cope with all this and still cope with my own mother's condition.
Before work, he usually prays the rosary.
Yesterday he told me that he didn't want to pray anymore.
I don't know what to tell him because my faith is so damaged also.

In the next few weeks we plan to squeeze in a quick vacation to recharge our batteries at bit.
My FET has been scheduled for the 15th of December.
With so much riding on the success of it all, I'm not sure I want to even attempt the transfer.

Recently an Internet buddy had a FET of 3 perfect embryos and did not conceive.

I'm beginning to not think of my frozen embryos as babies anymore.
Not thinking of them as future children.
My emotions are all over the place when I think about them.
I feel so detached from them and don't think of them as I once did.
They seem like two raffle tickets sitting at the bottom of a bucket of a full bucket.
It feels like a long shot.

Whew, though it may seem like things are falling apart, I am still holding it all together and taking it each day at a time.

What I've Learned About Ovulation ,From one TTCer To Another

I promised to come back soon with more of my brain clutter.

Again I am not a doctor or professional, just a chick passing on my experiences.

Just temping, for me,can be confusing.
I usually use the temperatures on my chart for reference.
If done right it can show when you ovulated, if you ovulated, or about when you will ovulate the next cycle.
It can pinpoint ovulation but usually after the ovulation day has occurred.
For me, my temps would dip right before I ovulated. Once my temps shot up and stayed up, I was pretty sure I ovulated.
This is why you may need to rely on other methods of predicting your fertile times.


Good CM helps the sperm swim to where they need to go.
CM or cervical mucus around your fertile time may resemble egg whites or get slicker.
In blunt terms, you will feel wet, OK
Some women don't get this from time to time.
There are a few "fertility friendly" lubricants you can use that help
Staying well hydrated helps and some supplements I mentioned before also help.
Sometimes using an over the counter Gufenesin-only tablet (for chest congestion expectorant only, you don't want the decongestant) once a day leading up to your Ovulation time can help get you that good slick cm.

It can help you hubbies too.
During my IUIs it was discovered that my husband had very viscous semen.
It would take forever for the lab to "wash" or separated the sperm from the seminal fluid.
The nurse instructed him to take the Gufenesin once a day leading up to my ovulation.
It was supposed to help his guys (spermies) break free and swim better.
Remember to stay well hydrated when taking this medicine.

If the second line on your OPK is as dark as or darker than the control line, you will probably be ovulating soon if not in the next couple of days.
This usually means it's time to get busy and babydance.

Some women can check the position of their cervices and tell if they are ovulating.
I was aware of my cervix but didn't make a record of it.
Here's some basic info http://www.justmommies.com/articles/cervical-charting.shtml

Some women are pros at using a scope to look at their saliva to predict ovulation. I think one of my blog buddies is good at this.
It's probably cheaper but I never did it.

My moods also help me predict my fertile time.
I become really touchy feely cuddly around my fertile time, or sometimes very randy!

I get ovulation pains around my ovulation.
I don't get menstrual cramps so I can't compare the two.
My ovulation pain is usually a pressure from inside, a dull aching around my ovaries.
The best way I can describe it, is "achy insides".
With A.R.T cycles, whether IUI or IVF, these pains usually occur when your follies get big or ready to release an egg. With my A.R.T. cycles, it  was greatly increased, greatly. It was painful to beardown to go tinkle.


Once we get pass all the temping, charting, peeing on OPK's, etc,etc, finally it's time to do the babydance!

I try to do it before, during, and after the time I expect to ovulate.
Just to make sure I got all bases covered.

A few years ago, I learned about lunar ovulation or the Jonas method.
It's a theory that a woman can spontaneously ovulate at other times based on the moon phases.
A theory that women have 2 fertility cycles.
There used to be free charts and downloads.
It's now a pay service. I think I may have a copy of mine saved somewhere.
You needed to know your exact date and time of birth, and I think even location on some of the old websites.
There was a chart that showed the probability of whether you would conceive a male or female child, the probability of a healthy pregnancy, and the days of your lunar ovulation.

Seems crazy but it was kinda nice to think that you have and extra chance each month.
I think I may have had my actual ovulation coincide once with the lunar chart.
For a few cycles, I did ovulate on the full moon and that had nothing to do with my predicted 'lunar ovulation" day.
This is what used to be the free site. http://lunarconception.com/


Sometimes, all things seem in order and you just don't ovulate at this time.
A few times I have gotten all the green lights and ovulation didn't occur at that time.
Many times that OPK  test line was almost there then fades only to return a few days later.
This usually happens to me if I have an illness.
It was like my body took a step back to deal with the illness and then resumed its planned course.
My ovulation was delayed once by a case of food poisoning. I did ovulate that month, but eight days later than my usual ovulation date.


Well I think this is getting long, and my brain is conking out on me.
I'll come back in a few days with some more brain junk I've accumulated during my TTC journey

Please feel free to comment or post any tips or info on ovulation you would like to share.

Things To pass on, From one TTCer To Another

Was thinking about this all week.
I've been trying to conceive for a while.
I've done it naturally, with a few chemical pregnancies.
I've done it with the help of a reproduce endocrinologist, with a chemical pregnancy, and a missed miscarriage.
Just praying that I get a sticky bean the next time.
While I wait for my next cycle to start, I've decided to share some of my experiences.
I've tried just about everything so I guess it is good for me to pass what I have learned through my experiences

I am not a doctor or a paid professional, just a chick passing on my own experiences.

Today let me dump some of the info I acquired during my natural attempts.
Just throwing things out there that I have had some experience with.
Just my personal experience.

Charting and temping
I became a master at this.
I used a paper chart to do this along with the charting software at FertilityFriend.com.

It really works and if you take your temperature correctly, you can really pin-point you ovulation day and unfortunately know when AF is coming by your temperature patterns.

Use a Basal thermometer, keep a paper chart or notepad by your bedside, and try to take your temps the same time everyday before you get out of bed.

Not every woman ovulates on the 14th day of your cycle.
If you know your average cycle length, you can almost estimate when your fertile times are approaching.
I learned that other things can effect ovulation days too, like illness and stress.
These factors can delay ovulation at times.

OPKs can really help with this also.

I would use them about cycle day 9 until I got a positive.

I actually did not use them everyday if the first one was very faint. It got to the point where I would skip a day based on the darkness of the test.

This can help you save money on when purchasing the tests.

This store brand OPKs are very good, much better for me than the Internet strips.
I hardly ever bought the name brands.

Cervical mucus and you body can tell you a lot.
Think of it this way, a seed needs moisture to germinate or fertile ground is moist.
When you CM is like egg white, this can be your sign to get busy.
I also tend to have erotic dreams or feel sexy when I'm approaching ovulation.
Sometimes your husband will become more frisky.
Well, my guy is always frisky bit when I ovulate he's a monster.

To keep things a little fun I would put stickers on my chart for each BD(babydancing) session.
My husband got such a kick getting several stickers in a row.

Supplements

So people swear but different supplements, I think I might have tried them all.
Remember to check with you doctors before jumping on the supplement bandwagon.
Certain meds and conditions may have adverse effects.


Vitex- if you have normal cycles it can make you a bit irregular. Some women claim it to be natural clomid. It can take about 3 months to take effect. For me it too only 4 weeks.
I did feel a difference and it did intensify the feelings I got around Ovulation, much stronger ovulation cramps. My only other side effect was, that it may give you breakouts.
Don't take this if you are doing an A.R.T. cycle. I did get pregnant naturally while using this but had a chem.

Evening Primrose Oil or EPO- It's supposed to help with your cervical mucus around Ovulation.  Some say that you should only take it up to your ovulation time. For me it made me feel very amorous. So I guess it helped in that department.

Fish Oil or DHA- I really don't know what it's supposed to help but I took and still take this on a regular basis. It is sometimes included with prenatal packs. It can also help with inflammation. (I have an old wrist injury. It just makes me feel better.

Vitamin E- this helps with you blood flow. It's good for you heart too, can't go wrong with this. good blood flow and circulation is a plus for your uterus.

81mg aspirin-remember again, check with you doctor.
A baby aspirin a day can be beneficial.
It thins the blood and allows good blood flow to the uterus.
My RE also adds this to my protocols for A.R.T. cycles.
There has to be something to this.

B complex- Not sure what it does but it helped with my moods. TTC can be an emotional rollers coaster.

Prenatals- Good whether you are TTC or not, in my book. I found that the prenatal vitamin formulas contained many of the same vitamins that are in the more expensive super women's formulas.
Just let me put it this way, knock on wood, I haven't had a bad cold or bug in the last 5 years since I started taking them regularly.

CoQ10- Check with you doctors because this can interact with some prescriptions.
I was late getting on the CoQ10 bandwagon but I swear it really helped my eggs quality on the cycle I used it.
I believe it can help really if you are a TTC after 35.
It may benefit your fertility.
The cycle I used the COQ10, I took 200mgs a day.
I ended up with 18 eggs retrieved, 14 mature and fertilized, I never had numbers like this in prior IVF cycle.
My new RE suggest that my husband take 200mg a day and his sperm count did increase also.
It can be expensive, so I try to buy it online at Swansons or Sam's club.

DHEA- Some doctors frown upon this and it isn't always available over the counter.
Some doctors actually prescribe it during A.R.T. cycles.
I started taking it during my last IVF cycles. I ordered it online at Swansons after reading about a woman over 40 who took it during her IVF cycles to reverse her premature ovarian aging. She had very good results. Many take it 25mg 3x a day for the three months leading up to TTC.
I took it leading up to my last IVF cycle and successful retrieval.
I think it worked but the verdict is still out in the medical community.

Vitamin D!!!-Get tested! After my last m/c I went to the family doctor. She used to practice women's health in her old country and brought up the topic of vitamin D. Women with vitamin D deficiencies can have trouble conceiving or with m/cs. It is also important in the body's absorption of calcium. I was tested a showed to be greatly deficient in this vitamin. You can read more here or google it for yourself.
http://natural-fertility-info.com/fertility-vitamin-d.html
I know take 10,000mgs a day per my doctors instructions and try to safely get sunlight during the day.


I know this is getting a bit long so I make another post soon.
Hope to follow this with what I've learned about A.R.T. cycles

Please feel free to comment if you would like to share some of your own experiences with Charting and Supplements.

Birthday Blues

Well as my monumental birthday approaches I find myself getting the blues.

I hadn't updated, but my FET was cancelled again.
Happened last Friday.
Last week my lining was creeping along and my estrogen levels were through the roof.
RE thinks that lupron and I don't get along as far as suppressing my natural cycle without jacking things all up.

The only silver lining in this whole mess is that by waiting another cycle, I may be able to get some more insurance coverage through my husband's new insurance.

Looks like I have to wait another cycle before bringing my babies home.

Today would have been my transfer.
I would have been lying up and enjoying being "knocked up until proven otherwise"

Instead I meet the big 4-0  with empty arms and an empty womb.
Nothing special planned, as usual.
I wish I could just get away and go snorkeling or scuba diving in the Caribbean.
I have the ability to fly almost anywhere if I want to, but husband can't get away and my mother is just starting hospice.
This may be the last birthday I share with my mother.

Another birthday with empty arms and empty womb.
I usually don't get any gifts for my birthday.
My sister, my nephew, and my mom are the only ones that even notice that it is my birthday.
I make an effort to call, send cards, gifts to other family members on their birthdays, but it seems that maybe they just expect it and don't seem to notice that another year has passed in my life also.

I don't ask for anything from my husband.
He is gift enough for me.
When he asks me, I feel too uncomfortable asking or telling him what to give me.
He's fighting off his allergies to allow me to keep the doggy that I share with my mom, full time now.
That's a big enough sacrifice.

Tried to cheer myself up and treated myself to a mani/pedi and some cheap black leather knee high boots...and a sexy black dress. Still tasteful
The extra estrogen in my system has blessed me with some extra cleavage.
Think I'm gonna try these bad boyz out in that black dress at dinner tomorrow.
Gotta have a little fun whenever I can.

Waiting To Exhale?

In this TTC (trying to conceive) journey, when can you catch your breath?
When do or can you feel safe?

When you have suffered many losses, many almosts, and many BFNS, it's not easy to let go and enjoy the ride.

You hold your breath through the TWW (two week wait)
You hold your breath while waiting for the urine to pass over the test strip
You hold your breath for those 5-7 minutes afterwards
When you are finally able to get that BFP, you sometimes still can't enjoy a cleansing breath

With A.R.T. cycles; clomid, injectables, IUI, IVF, FET, it's like a horrible roller coaster ride before you can even get to the TWW!

Peaks and terrifying valleys can await you on the ride.

With my A.R.T. cycles there was the sometimes thrilling buildup
How many follies do I have? How many were retrieved? How many were mature?
How many were fertilized? How many are left? How good are they?
How many to transfer? Any to freeze?

Whoosh, then you have the egg transfer.
The creeping TWW.
Its like the creaking drive mechanism pulling you up the biggest hill of the ride.
Will you be exhilarated?
Will you pee your pants?
Will you cry with joy or with sadness?
Is this the end of the ride or is it the first of many spirals, twists, and turns?

When you get that BFP when can you feel safe and enjoy the ride?
For some it is that wonderful fluttering of a heartbeat.
For some it is that wonderful moment you pass into your 2nd trimester.
For some it is after the amnio ,CVS, or NT scan.

I wonder when will I finally exhale.
How long will it take for me to enjoy my pregnancy when it finally happens?

I'm finally feeling something about my upcoming FET and it's not a good feeling.
Maybe it's the estrogen talking but I almost want to back out and never try again.
This is so scary.

Maybe seeing a couple freaking out and running into my RE's office last week triggered these thoughts in me. She had started spotting and was in a full panic. I could feel her terror. Another car pulled up into the parking lot, out jumped what look to be her sister. She grabbed the panicking woman and held her. Told her everything was going to be alright. I almost couldn't sign in at the desk. I was so full of emotion for her.
I have been her.
They rushed them back into the ultrasound room.
As I sat in the lab getting my blood drawn, I sent up a prayer for them.
I don't ever what to be that again.

I pray that all of you reading my crazy blog won't ever have to face that.

I hope that all of you get to the top of that big hill and laugh with delight.

Ride that roller coaster and get your BFPS, your healthy heartbeats, your healthy babies!

I hope that your ride is filled with exhilaration and glee, not sadness or panic.

I'm getting cold feet standing here in line waiting for the ride.

Maybe I'll just settle for the Ferris wheel.

A Little of That, Brain Garbage

Days fly by but my cycle is creeping.
I've been preparing my body for my FET.
My transfer is scheduled for Sept. 22nd., the day before my birthday.
The cocktail this time is potent.
POTENT!!

Recipe for Uterus Deluxe

2 Estrace tablets vaginally, 3 times a day
2 Estrogen patches every three days
.3 mg estradiol Valerate injection every three days
5 units of lupron once a day


Now stimming for a fresh cycle is difficult with all the hormones and injections, but all this estrogen is making me a nut case!!!!

My insides are cramping and my emotions are all over the place.
If this doesn't give me a good uterine lining I will lose it.
I will really lose it!

My estrogen overload has me in a bit of a daze and I'm struggling to keep my emotions in check.

Today I was at my "Dr. Feelgood's" office for a quick followup.
He shares his offices with two therapists and on Thursdays the small  waiting room can be a bit cramped.

I was waiting in line to talk to the receptionist.
The desk is very close to the door and if you are the second person in line, you will get hit if it opens.
So, I try to stand where I can glance over my shoulder from time to time just to be safe.

I wasn't aware that the guy in the seat closest to the door thought I was giving him the eye.
Took a seat and the guy is staring at me.

"Okay", I think to myself, "we all have our problems maybe that's his".

It was then that I realized that "OOPS! Dude thinks I was checking him out."

"just ignore him, you'll be out of here soon."

Another patient in the waiting room arrived for her first appointment with a entourage.
She had two guys with her that had no idea how to behave in a waiting room full of people seeking emotional help.

And for her, you didn't need a doctor to tell you, she had a serious attitude problem.
The two guys were " checking out" each woman and making comments out loud.

Took a deep breath.

Then they attacked the candy canister by the magazine stand.
One of the guys took the container to his seat and the three of them emptied the candy into their pockets.
One of them said, "offices like this can afford more candy"
WTF!

I could feel my and everyone else's anxiety level rising.
We were feeding off each other's uneasiness about the situation.

Not good.

When my time finally came around to see the doctor, he couldn't find my chart!
I've seen this doctor on and off for a few years and a lot since my miscarriage in January.
My chart was missing!

After five minutes of the staff tearing the place apart to find my file, it was located filed under my first name. Spent the majority of  my 5 minute followup telling the doctor how his new patient was disrupting the waiting room.

As I paid my co-pay and got ready to leave, dude at the door was ogling me again.
As I turned to leave, he was all smiles.
"You have a good weekend, and I wish you the best of luck." he says.
Thank you.

I got out of that office as fast as I could!

I'm not leaving the house again today.

With all the hormones and my mother's health I haven't begun to worry about this new cycle.

Haven't even thought about what might be next if this cycle fails.

Gonna have one last glass of wine this evening and try to take it easy.

Update 8/31

Sorry I've been so busy.
My mom came home on Sunday and the past few days have been busy busy busy.

She wasn't able to walk when she came home, she had been bedridden for over a week.
As of yesterday, she is walking a bit more with assistance.
She's eating well and looking better.
Her legs where quite swollen and I spent a good hour working on them yesterday.

Trying to keep my emotions in check and in desperate need of a therapist appt.
Had and ugly blow up last week and still seething from it.
Let's just say, my siblings know I'm not a pushover anymore.
Poor husband never saw me like that and cried afterward.
In the 11 years we've been together, he had never seen that side of me or even thought it was possible.

I guess you can say they " woke a sleeping giant".

Tomorrow I have a RE appt and will probably start my estrogen for this cycle.
I can't blame the hormones for my blow up.

Gotta run
but I'll be back
Got tons of crazy ideas to drop on you later.

Update on Mom 8/28

I have been so busy but I bring good news.

The blockage in my mother's bowel has moved.
The doctors are no longer talking about hospice.
After over a week of not eating, they allowed her to eat Friday and the food has stayed down and taken it's natural course.
She may be coming home tomorrow.
She will have a nurse that visits a few times a week and a physical therapist.
I'm scrambling to get the equipment she might need because she is weak from not having any food for a week.

My husband made it home early on Thursday and I started lupron for my FET cycle.

This morning AF finally showed! After being missing for 2 months or so.

She's here with a vengeance.

I'm ready to get started on some good stuff now!

Update 8/24

Doctor just called. They will be evaluating my mother for Hospice care soon.

Evening Update 8/22

Well, after my post this morning, one of the resident doctors in ICU gave me another horrible call.

First she told me that mom was doing better and stable but then she dropped the heavy stuff on me.

Not really anything I didn't already know, just bad timing for what she termed "routine" paperwork.

She wanted my mother to complete a form stating whether or not she wanted to be put on life support if and when she was no longer able to breath on her own.

She wanted me to discuss this with my mother and complete a form today.

This really kinda knocked me off the last leg I was standing on this morning.

I was a bit stunned and really needed to talk to someone.

Husband was at work in Brazil but spoke with me briefly.

I decided that the only other stable or almost stable person in the family was my younger brother.

I told him what the doctor discussed with me, and told him I would meet him at the hospital.

By the time I arrived at the hospital, which is only 5 minutes away, all my other siblings had already created a storm of idiocracy.

The three oldest had called the ICU demanding answers.

Caused such an uproar at the nurses station, that I was met with "power of attorney" papers and told that I would have to be the representative for the family.

Guess that was there nice way of saying, "the idiots lost their information privileges" only basic information would be given to them and now I had the responsibility of conveying information.

Gee thanks! I tell them one thing and they hear another.
They act as if I was the one who gave her cancer and that it's my fault she's in the hospital.

Mom was doing better and I waited for the specialist.
He didn't make it in, but felt that the bleeding had stopped and my mother could finally eat (liquid diet) after almost 5 days.
They also gave her a mild pain reliever for her stiff back.

I sat in the "quiet" room to call my two eldest siblings only to find out that they were at the hospital and on their way up.

They blew in like a storm. I stayed in the "quiet" room until after they had spoken to the nurse.

When I got to my mother's bed, my sister screamed at me, "you did tell me mom was in pain!"

Okay she just got the pain reliever before you came. She gets sore after the stint procedure, Remember.

She shakes her ponytail, spins around and takes off.
We couldn't find her. She doesn't have a car and her azz ain't walking anywhere.
Somehow she got a ride back to my moms house where she is in seclusion.
WTF
WTF

My mother got to finally eat something.
She was so happy to have all the 'liquid" diet goodies; sherbet, chicken broth, cups of jello, and sprite.
I was afraid she was ingesting everything too fast, but it stayed down and it lifted her spirits.
She looked better instantly.

I left the hospital feeling better that my mom was feeling better but battle scarred by my siblings.

ugh! they are killing me!

I wanted to choke my 52yr old brother's new 29 yr old wife (#4) for just being there. In this situation she is a waste of space. Don't come to see my mother in ICU and bring a laptop and a movie. Any power that came with the position of daughter-in -law was already exhausted by wife number 1, 2, and crazy azz number 3! You go wait by the vending machines. There will be a number 5 in a few years.

Okay, okay okay. thank goodness I have an appointment with the therapist tomorrow.

Mom in ICU

Quickly updating

The evening after my mother's surgery to replace a stint in her liver, she began vomiting blood.
Yesterday she was placed in ICU.
The GI specialist said that it may be residual blood from the procedure that could only come up because it couldn't go down.
(because her bowel is still blocked, it came up)
She received a blood transfusion last night and today we will find out if another procedure is needed to locate the source of the bleeding.

I'm very tired and confused.
My older sister freaked out yesterday and refused to go to the hospital to visit my mom.
My stupid oldest brother is of no help.
My 15year old nephew and I looked after her.
My husband is still in Brazil and was robbed of his laptop as he ate breakfast last week.
Need some good news.

Please keep us in your thoughts/ UPDATE

My mom's CT scan from yesterday showed an obstruction in her bowel.
We had to take her to the hospital this afternoon.
She will be having surgery tomorrow.
Please keep us in your thoughts.


Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Just thought I would leave a quick update.

Surgery wasn't done today. Instead tomorrow the stint in her liver will be replaced again. the backup in her liver caused the inflamation and blockage in he lower bowel. With her type of cancer, this stint is the only way to prevent the backup. Unfortunately the last stint was put there a month ago and it was supposed to last for 4 months. the Dr. is great and seems to be doing whatever he can to help. It's too crazy. I'm on a first name basis with to many doctors.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Pickles, sweet or sour

First I would like to apologize for not blogging more often.

So much occurs everyday.

Like pickles, some sweet some sour

I keep myself distracted by canning jars of pickles.

This year, my garden is overflowing with cucumbers and I can hardly keep up.

Some days I make sweet pickles.

Some days I make my extra spicy sour dill pickles.

Each day is like the pickles.

Some are slightly sweet but also sour and vinegary

Others are just incredibly sour

This past week the anticipation of a good friend's beta after FET made the days sweet.

I was so sure and so happy for her.

Deep down inside I knew she would get good news.

Each post she made and test she posted really made my day.

Husband was on the verge of two job offers that would finally allow him to be home more.
Laying out his outfits for the final meetings was sweet.

With his current position, he has been traveling abroad 15 days a month every other month for the past 5 years.
Early on, it didn't bother me too much because I was still flying 3 days a week myself.
Afterwards I still managed but with all the sad recent developments, I really need him here.

He accepted a new position on Thursday and we are thrilled!
Sweet!

He had to leave for final engagement, 2 weeks in Brazil, on Saturday.

Despite the fact that I never got my period, the doctor started me on birth control to prepare me for my FET.

This cycle I will be using estrace tablet, estrogen patches, and estrogen injections to try and counteract whatever caused my uterus's strange lack of response I had last cycle.

Trying to mentally prepare myself for the hormone crazies.

Now for the truly sour part of the update.

My mother is not doing so well.

She lost weight after the last infection and is not gaining it back.

The oncologist has decided to stop all chemotherapy.

There is nothing else they can do.

She has a scan this week to determine how bad things are and what can be done to keep her comfortable.

I have excepted this because, what else can I do.

I can only hope to get pregnant with a healthy pregnancy to ease her mind.

My mother-in-law is also ailing.

She has a tumor in her stomach and will begin chemotherapy Monday.

That's a lot of sour stuff to deal with.

I wish I could comfort myself with prayer, but that doesn't work.
I miss the comfort prayer used to bring me.
I wish I could take comfort in my faith but I think that I have to little now.

Due Date of My Angel

Today my little girl would have been due.

Yesterday, while driving to Target, I took the wrong turn and ended up across the street from the hospital.

Didn't think much of it at the time.
If things didn't go so wrong, I would have been heading there to give birth to my baby.

I miss my Anya.

Even though she was with us for such a short time, we were so in love with her.
She brought us so much joy.
She brought us so much hope.

On the ultrasound she was the cutest little butter bean!

When I was pregnant, husband would kiss my stomach every morning while I was sleeping before heading off to work.

One can wonder how you can have so much love for someone you never knew.

She was a gift that was taken away.

We thank her for the weeks of happiness and hope she brought us.

We should have been celebrating her birth today, but I sit here awaiting a call from my doctor.

My period still hasn't started.
I haven't tested since Monday's negative test.
Maybe my body is mourning the loss of what might have been.

Enjoying The LIttle Things

Zombieland Rule #32
You can’t spend all your time worrying about where your next Twinkie is going to come from, so follow rule #32 and Enjoy The Little Things.

So much has occurred since my last post.
I'm learning to enjoy the things.
I'm learning to relish the time when the things aren't going crazy.

Just a day after my last post, we rushed my mother back to the hospital.
On her way to the bathroom, the tube and bag that was draining the abscess on her liver just dropped out!
My freaked out sister had it in a Ziploc bag when I arrived.
Off we rushed to the emergency room.
Doctor decided that it was no longer needed, patched her up and sent her back home.

That night I decided to stay up late and do absolutely nothing worthwhile.
It felt good.
Took the doggie out at 2am so I could sleep in.
Woke her up, laid her in the grass and said "go out, good girl."
I swear I think the poor doggie peed with her eyes closed.
I thoroughly enjoyed my midnight me time.
Slept in late the next day.
The phone didn't ring.
No bad news yet that morning.
This was so good!
Worked in my garden.
My cucumber plants have exploded, spent a long time tying the branches and redirecting them so they don't kill off my other plants.
Picked a bunch too.
I got real good giggle when I picked the shortest fat cucumber I had ever seen.
"short and thick does the trick" lol!

Here's the question, would I have enjoyed these simple things as much if I hadn't been through so much lately? 

Then that afternoon, I think my reproductive organs might have turned themselves back on.
Did I feel my ovaries wake up?
Was this finally a break in the longest cycle I have ever had!
Perfect timing, my husband was due home the next day after a two week business trip to eastern Europe.
I have gotten pregnant naturally before.
I still have a little hope that the planets will align, and the clouds will part, and pigs will fly.
It could happen.

Ouch, but it kinda feels like I could be constipated too.
Gonna throw that man down and do the babydance anyway.
Can't pass up a chance no matter how slim.

Saturday morning, took doggie to her training class.
She's in the advanced class so she doesn't need to be leashed.
The only problem is that she has a creepy admirer, a tan poodle named "Teddy".
I refer to him as "the rapist".
Whenever my little girl doggie is performing a trick or distracted with another dog, "the rapist" likes to try to mount and hump her.
My little girl doggie is fixed but I don't like him taking advantage of her.
The trainer says this is just a dominance thing and sprays him with water.
It's not like this happens once or twice.
He takes advantage of any moment he can.
But Saturday, I had my new weapon, better than a spray bottle.
I bought a watergun , filled it with water, and chilled it in the refrigerator.
"Ready, Teddy!"
I was prepared to douse his flames of lust.
I enjoyed class so much and doggie did so well she was invited to help out in the next class of beginners.

It was getting late and husband would be home soon!
Yippee!
But his ankle might be broken.
Boo!
He won't need his ankle to babydance anyway!
Yippee!

Rushed home and made a yummy yummy dinner of chicken breast and homemade dressing.

When hubby exited the taxi, my jaw dropped.
He was in what looked to be a cast all the way up to his kneecap and struggling with a crutch.
Goodness!
I had to carry all the luggage in for him.
Despite being injured Hubby had brought tons of European candy for me.
Even KitKats taste better if they are from Europe.
The candy companies are giving us Americans brown wax instead of chocolate!

Happy evening, great dinner, rounds of baby dancing!

I have to enjoy these times even if it is something so simple because, things can get pretty bad around here quickly.

Fast forward to Monday

Monday- take hubby to doctor and then to the imaging center for tests.
Had to almost jump through hoops to get the referrals from the insurance, but I did it.

Tuesday- take hubby to the specialist...Ankle not broken, cast removed.
Yippee!
Hubby still lazy!
Boo!

Wednesday- Consultation with the RE. Once I get my period, I start birth control pills to prepare me for my FET cycle.
"The problem is Doc, I still haven't gotten my period."
Doc actually thought I might be pregnant.
Ultrasound...empty uterus with thin lining.
Beta- negative
Boooo!
Doc confused because I had progesterone in my system, gave me Provera, and told me to only take it for 5 days and call if no period and run more tests.

Maybe I did ovulate and wasn't constipated.

Still sitting here in limboland, but I'm trying to enjoy the little things.

Griping in Limboland

My mother came home from the hospital yesterday.
The stint that was placed in her liver a few months back had become dislodged and she had developed an infection.
She came home with a drain tube for the remaining abscess on her liver.
A nurse will be visiting a few times a week until the tube is removed.
Mom is feeling a little better and happy to be home.

Hope that this will give us more time.
I want to be pregnant with a healthy baby while my mom can still enjoy it with me.

My husband may have broken his ankle while in Prague.
He did not see a doctor until he arrived in Poland and they couldn't confirm or deny a fracture.
He was given a blood thinner to inject everyday until he sees the doctor here on Monday.
He's not doing well and can't wait to be back home.
Just a few more days before the audit is done and he's back home!
Poor baby has gotten pretty good at giving injections thanks to all the cycles I have had.
I miss my poor misiu.

It's been 19 days since my FET cycle was cancelled.
I stopped the estrogen and lupron 19 days ago.
I'm usually a 28 day cycle girl but with this cancelled cycle I'm at cycle day 46.
As much as I hate to see Aunt Flo, I'm wondering where she went.
I tested bfn last Wednesday and today with a really horrible Accuclear.
Accuclear's or any +/- pregnancy test will almost always turn faint positive after 10 minutes.
Mine was blank after 7.
So where is AF so I can get started on another cycle!

Getting a little agitated here in limboland.

I have no symptoms of anything.
I don't feel like I'm going to ovulate.
I don't feel like AF is coming.
My temperature is below 98.6F despite it being 100F outside today.

Limboland!

I really need to get started on a new cycle.

Starting to get the Infertility Crazies!

Just when I was at peace for a short while, my infertility demon reared its head.

Jealously and anger cannot be avoided once you've been trying to conceive for over 2 years.
To restate, early on, I did feel it in small doses but I always reassured myself that my time would come.

Well today I am quite furious with my situation once again.
I'm furious with everything.
I'm furious at the hand that was dealt.

Two days ago, a large packaged arrived in my mailbox.
It was two samples of baby formula!
WTF!!!
I guess when I signed up for newsletters when I was pregnant my due date was recorded.
Well My Anya would have been born in August.
Despite cancelling and removing my self from the mailing lists, I must have not been removed from one of them

This morning I was checking my email and ran across the blog of one of my former cycle buddies.
Short version
She and I tended to cycle at the same time when we were ttc naturally.
Many times I would help her with her charts, temps , etc.
She's lives in the area and when she went through her IVF cycle, we were in constant contact.
She texted me constantly and I didn't have an unlimited text package at the time(that was an ugly bill)
I virtually held her hand throughout her cycle.
I was a few days ahead and got my positive first.
Then she got hers.
I had my first IVF bfp and chemical pregnancy .
She went went on to deliver a healthy baby earlier this year.
I last heard from her when I miscarried at 12 weeks this January.
She sent me a message.
"Maybe a doctor can figure out what's wrong with you"
I wish I could reach out through cyberspace and smack the crap out of her!

Well her baby is a few months old now and she complains about motherhood on her blog.
Again, I wish I could reach through cyberspace and smack the crap out of her.
I know adjusting to motherhood can be difficult but knowing her history and struggles, she just seems ungrateful as hell.

Maybe I'm just pissed at being left behind so many times.
I'm just tired of being left here in limboland.

Reproductive Endocrinologist,Oncologist, psychologist, psychiatrist... Emergency room!

It's late.
I'm so tired.
Got a migraine, again.
Please excuse my crazy ramblings, typos and grammatical errors.

Sorry I didn't update sooner, but my FET cycle was cancelled.
My lining never got thicker than 6mm and then got thinner despite my big estrogen numbers.
RE decided to cancel my cycle, give my body a chance to reboot and start again next cycle.
I was very disappointed that day and decided to try to enjoy that weekend with my husband and my little doggie.
We bought her a doggie life vest to aid in her swimming.
She loved it. I even uploaded a video of her first swim in the big kids pool.
Show it to you in a post soon.

Waiting for the witch, aunt Flo, monthly visitor.
She's MIA right now.
Somehow I got the stupid idea to test.
Once again another stark white test stared back at me.
Even think I got a yeast infection a couple of days ago, but I also suspect the cheapo toilet paper I got on sale last week.
Now I remember why I always stuck to the good brands of toilet paper.

Husband left for a 2 week business trip to parts of Europe on Saturday.
He didn't want to go and woke up that morning with a terrible cold and congestion.

Sunday afternoon I met with my therapist who stated that I was handling all the stress quite well.
I guess I'm a good actress or maybe I really am handling it well.
Who knows

This week got off to an unpleasant start.

Monday morning a fast moving storm raged through the area knocking down power lines and paralysing the area.
Mom had an appointment with her primary care physician which was 2 blocks away from her house.
I had no power, mom had no power, and I came to find out that all the medical centers in her insurance group had no power.
Mom had a slight temperature and was told to go to the nearest Emergency Room.
Doctors diagnosed her with a UTI gave her antibiotics and sent her home.
Thank goodness the power was restored. Even today there are areas that still haven't been restored.

Wednesday

Took mom to the oncologist office for her next round of chemo.
Oncologist told us that another CT scan needed to be performed before she could do another round.
Oncologist not sure if chemo is helping or making things worse for mom.
Chemo cancelled.
This didn't sound like good news.

Thursday

Mom felt well enough to walk to her followup appt at the primary care doctor.
Her temperature was normal, heart rate normal, etc , etc.

I met with Dr. Feelgood, my psychiatrist, I see him every few months whenever I am on anxiety medication.
I've been on and off anxiety meds since a chemical pregnancy in August of last year.
He also thought I was handling my anxiety quite well.

Am I or am I about to really lose it?

I felt quite good by this afternoon.
Loaded my doggie into the car to head over to Mom's for the afternoon.
Spotted a garage sale a few blocks from my house.
Got a book self for 102 year old antique books and a ornate table from the 1920's for $20.
Happily doggie and I made our short trek to Mom's.
As I parked in front of the house, my cellphone rang.
It was my sister and she didn't sound too good.

With the doggie under my arm, I dashed up the front stairs and into the house.
I found my sister in tears and my mother lying in the bed with a thermometer in her mouth.
Her temperature had reached 103F.

Prior to my arriving, my mother had become ill and collapsed in the bathroom.
My big sis had carried her into the bedroom.
Just hours earlier, she had a normal temperature at the doctor's office.
It was so sudden!
I knew we had to get her to the hospital.
We got a wash pan , cleaned her, got her dressed and pinned her long locks into a bun.
She kept refusing to go to the hospital.
She was too weak to walk.
I knew that the emergency room at the hospital would be full as usual.
It would be better to let her be taken by ambulance.
That way she would get taken care of right away.
I couldn't risk getting there and having mom pretend to be feeling fine.
They would have probably given her some Tylenol to lower her fever a bit and have her wait in the lobby for a few hours.

Ambulance number 29 arrived at the front door quickly.
The last time an ambulance was at my parent's front door was when my father collapsed and died in the living room over17 yrs ago.
That ambulance was ambulance number 29.
My legs went numb, starting from my toes and all the way up.
I had to keep my cool.
My big sis was crying and my favorite nephew(grandma's boy) was freaking out.
My sister rode with my mom and my nephew and I drove slowly, stunned, shocked, and carefully to the hospital in silence.
I don't like ambulance number 29.
She was admitted to the emergency room right away and began receiving treatment.
Another infection
I think this is common with liver cancer.
She stabilized and was admitted to the hospital this evening.
This is the 4th time in the last three months.
She is so tired.
I hate to see her suffer like this.
At the moment,I sit here typing in a strange condition.
So tired of so much
so much
so much
Are these the times when God is supposed to be carrying me?
I feel so alone and lost.

I look back at how I felt on New Year's day.
I was pregnant, my mom was doing and feeling fine, and this year held so much promise.
These would have been my final weeks of pregnancy and my little girl would have been born soon.
Instead, it has been month after month of pain and suffering.
This year really sucks.

I look forward to the few hours of sleep tonight.
What will tomorrow bring?

FET Cycle May Be Cancelled

Went to the doctor for my ultrasound and blood work.
Even with the increase of estrogen, my lining thickness is at a standstill.
Actually my lining is thinner than last Friday's appointment.
Looks like this cycle is a bust and I will have to start preparing for my FET all over again.
Just waiting for the call.
I drove home in a daze.
Is my body starting to seriously fail?
Am I falling apart?
I don't have the luxury of time.
It is very possible that my mother will not be here when and if I ever have a baby.
I would like to at least be pregnant with a healthy baby before she is gone.

Sorry, Too busy to update

June has been a busy busy month for us.

First, I would like to thank you all for the kind comments and anniversary wishes.

I found out last Friday that my FET would be delayed.
I was shocked and upset to find that the lining of my uterus was not responding the way it should have to the estrogen.
It was still too thin!
The nurse questioned if I had been taking the meds properly.
After the results of my blood work, it seems that my estrogen is good and high but didn't boost my lining the way it should have.
My mind has been racing to figure out what might have caused the delay.
Even though the nurse said diet and physical activity would have nothing to do with it, I suspect the opposite.
I may have screwed things up for myself.

Since my last failed fresh IVF cycle, I have been exercising everyday and cutting back on calories.
I've lost more than 10 pounds since my last cycle ended in May.
I felt that I had gained way to much weight from the various A.R.T. cycles and failed pregnancy.
Kinda got tired of looking slightly pregnant when I wasn't.
It's so frustrating to have my body go through this and have no baby to show for it.
Maybe I took out my frustration on my body.
It's difficult to rationalize any of it.
It's crazy having all the hormones pumped into the body making it look and feel pregnant only to end up with an empty womb.
I keep thinking all this work and all I got was achy boobs, wide hips and a big gut.
Didn't like the people wondering "is she? or isn't she? is she just getting fat and old?"

Well, I think my quest to get back in shape has derailed my FET cycle!

Can't seem to win.

All this estrogen and the delay has triggered my anxiety.
Went to see my therapist for the first time in months.
Needed to get my anxiety levels in check.
A week ago I looked forward to my embryo transfer.
Now I am dreading it.
I'm so afraid of it not being successful.
I'm afraid of what happens next.
I'm afraid that this will be the end of my TTC journey.
I feel like I am setting myself up for another negative outcome.
Trying so hard to stop these feelings.
I'm looking at it as if there is a 90/10 chance instead of it being 50/50.
Oh goodness, I don't like thinking this way!
It is so difficult to convince myself otherwise.

This year has been so difficult.
It started with a miracle pregnancy with a tragic ending and continued to get worse with my mother's illness and sad prognosis.

I guess I'm lucky to have made it this far without a nervous breakdown.

Keep telling myself that it couldn't get any worse, but deep down inside I know, oh yes, it really can!

Whew!

Tomorrow I go back in for blood work and ultrasound.
Hopefully my uterus is responding better and I can have my FET next week.
I'll update tomorrow.

Happy Fifth Anniversary

To love of my life
I know that you sneek peeks at my blog, dear husband.
Happy Fifth Anniversary!
I can't imagine going through life or this struggle with anyone else but you!
You are my rock.
Kocham, mąż !

Furbaby Birthday

The day before my older bro's momentous wedding, my furbaby turned 1!

Like many of us dealing with infertility, I refer to my lovable pooch as my furbaby.

Unfortunately I can't keep her at my house full time because of my husband's allergies.

She is quite content with being spoiled at granny's house.

Somehow I managed to find some time this morning to create a video of her living the good life at granny's house.

Let's just call it practice for the videos to come once the child we hope for arrives.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLd9vS0pcso

Can I Blame It On The Estrogen?

First a quick report.
My mother was released from the hospital yesterday. She had an infection of the bowel and also had another stint placed in her liver to open an obstruction.
We have to be cautious and careful because the chemo lowers her resistance to  infection.
She is elated to be home.
Thank you for the thoughts and prayers.

Right now I have to be mindful of my moods and emotions.
I am really struggling to control my temper also.
The high dosage of estrogen is really affecting me.
At the moment I am wearing 4 estrogen patches and am taking 4 mg of estrace to boost my lining for egg transfer.

Somehow I managed to keep things in check during my previous IVF cycles but this FET cycle seems more difficult to handle my hormone related mood swings.

Up to Friday night I managed to keep that raging angry weeping feeling at bay but the events surrounding my mother's emergency room visit were more than I could handle.

After receiving the call from my sister that my mother had a fever and chills, we hopped into the car and attempted to rush to my parent's house.

We just happened to get caught by a slow moving freight train crossing a few miles from the house. There was no way around it. the train crossing spanned all streets heading east.

It just added to the building anxiety.

When we arrive there, my older bro and new wife were assisting my mother into their car.
They were at the house but were waiting for me to arrive before taking my mother to the emergency room.
WTF!!!
Idiots, just get her to the hospital!
My older sis jumped into our car and off we went.

As we sat in the waiting room two groups of teenagers began to pile in;
one group of city kids and one group of suburban looking kids.
All of them were crying and freaking out.

Now I think my estrogen levels were just waiting for a moment to turn me into a bawling mess.
My heart was in my throat.
I could almost feel all of their fears and emotions.

The estrogen rage began feeding on it and I couldn't suppress it.

It was a warm summer Friday night,all  the makings for tragedy for teenagers in Chicago.

I watched as family members were taken through that door.
I knew where that door lead. That's were the chaplain and counsellors were for the worst case scenarios.

Finally my mother was taken back to a bed for treatment and diagnosis.
This emergency room has become too familiar to me.

After getting Mom situated , I asked my sister if she had informed the rest of my sibs about my mother.
My husband had attempted to contact my brother (Mr.Azz between his shoulders pissed off at the world yet "born again") on his cell but there was no answer.
She replied, "Oh he won't talk to your husband, he's mad at him"

RAGE Estrogen RAGE!

I blew up, couldn't hold it any longer!
I tried so hard. this wasn't the place or time but I lost it!
"WTF, is that f-ker mad about, he has no f-ing grounds to be mad about sht! I'm the one who should be mad! If he's mad about me not wanting to be used by my deadbeat older bro, he can kiss my azz. I'm not a sap or a ho to be used!"
Yes I said ho, I don't know where have those words came from.
"Don't try to use me like you used my father!"
Then I stormed out.

I ran outside of the emergency room to find my husband.
The area outside of the hospital's ER had filled up with teenagers.
It looked like a park.
The air was heavy with emotion and anxiety.
The two groups of teens had become one as they all awaited news on their friends.
They were swapping stories and trying to console each other.
This was too much for me.
Tears just poured out like a runny faucet.
So much, too much!
Took a few breaths and got it under control.
I returned to the seating area and sat in the only free seat next to my new sister-in-law and her new stepdaughter, my niece.
They were watching the Disney channel.
Greyson Chance was singing and playing the piano on TV.
I relaxed a bit.
Asked new sister in law about the teens outside.
She acted as if she didn't notice them or could care less, eating chips and hot chocolate.
Oblivious to what was going on around her.

If you are as "saved" and as super "Christian" as you like us to believe, wouldn't you show more concern for you fellow man?

Asked my niece, "Isn't that that the kid that was found on YouTube singing Lady Gaga? The one that Ellen and Lady Gaga helped get a record deal?"

Before she could speak, my new 30yr old, holier than thou, sister in law blurted, " I would never let either of them mentor a child of mine!"

Okay now hold it back hold it back.
My mind and the estrogen raced.
To myself, "b-you self righteous, know it all,phony, dumbazz!"
Stop stop stop control yourself!
This is why I sometimes have trouble with religion.
People like this!
At this moment that little witch should have kept that sht to herself.
I'm not a violent person but it took everything I had not to slap, slap, slap , SLAP her until my arm got too tired to slap!
My husband saw the look on my face and took me back outside to cool off luckily my younger bro showed up with my favorite nephew and that eased my mood.
Shortly the bad news about the two different teens had made it's rounds.
Crying families, crying groups of teens, wailing and sobbing on a mass scale.
Too much!
Too sad.
I fought to control my own tears.
Headed back in to my mother as they prepared to transfer her to a room and said goodnight.
She was feeling better and that made me feel better.
It was time to head home and try to sleep.
Only a mile to bed.
Knelt for a long time by the side of the bed, unsure of what to say or ask.
All I could say was "God please take care of everyone tonight, Oh and thank you for not letting me slap my new sister in law."

Had To Rush Mom to hospital

Had to rush my mom to the emergency room last night. She had a slight temperature and was trembling. Doctors believe she has an infection. Just hoping and praying that it isn't another liver abscess. Very tired and very emotional. Please send up a little prayer for us.

An "A.R.T.ful " Routine?

I awoke to the sound of my blaring alarm this morning.
It's another A.R.T. day!
WhoopteeDOO!
Off to see Mr. "DildoCam" and "Needlelady"!
The words "blood work" and "ultrasounds" occur too often in my day to day vocabulary!
I roll out of bed nursing another one of my weather induced migraines from hell!
Today I had to make an exception and have that cup of coffee with my Excedrine.
That's the only way to get the throbbing in my left temple to ease a bit.
I lay out my one of my "IVF" uniforms; loose sleeves, "easyoff" jeans, black "granny" panties, and my colorful socks.
I shower with my favorite Victoria's Secret shower gel and follow that with that expensive body cream that I set aside for my fertility appointments.
Honestly, I have no idea why I do that.
It's just a crazy routine that has developed with all the A.R.T. cycles I've had.
It's almost sad!

As I was driving to the doctor's office, I became aware of how some things have almost become routine in my life.

I always set all my RE appointments for 9am.  Even when I was at my old RE's office.

At the beginning of each A.R.T. cycle, go to "Trader Joe's " right after my appointment to stock up on protein power, stinky soft cheese (to satisfy my cheese fetish one last time before and if I get pregnant), and chai latte mix.

The only difference today was the addition of a bottle of "twobuckchuck" the delightfully cheap wine "Trader Joe's" carries.
One last toast to a hopefully successful cycle!

It's all becoming too routine for me.
I have other crazy habits also.
I try to avoid having to buy feminine napkins or tampons during the Aunt Flo before my IVF cycles.
I use whatever is left and luckily this AF I had 2 sample boxes to get me through.
Each time I swear it's going to be my last Aunt Flo for the next nine months.

I try not to purchase any clothing before a cycle.
If I do buy anything, I get clothing with a little extra room in the waist, just in case.
Pure lunacy!
You'd think I would learn.

I never read or look at any "baby" or "pregnancy" gear, ads, or mags when I'm not cycling.
I feel like an impostor.
Only during the A.R.T.ful times to I allow myself to indulge in such dreams and fantasies.

Maybe I have been doing this for too long and too many times.
This shouldn't be routine in ones life.

Wedding Recap

Please excuse any of my errors. I was in a haste to post.

Saturday morning was my oldest brother's wedding.

The wedding was held at the church where he and his fiancee are members.
It's Roman Catholic, but it's one of the most nontraditional Catholic churches in Archdiocese.
It has one of the biggest congregations and one of the most financially strong in the state.
The neighborhood surrounding the church was once a dying neighborhood.
Because of the Pastor and the members , the neighborhood is thriving and a safe area.
Despite being singled out by the Cardinal for being a "troublemaker" the pastor does great things for the community.
My husband and I donate often to this church even though we attend Mass at another Parrish.
But once again, I must state, it's not your "typical" Catholic church.

We arrived at the church and my youngest brother and his son escorted my mother to her pew.

As my husband and I settled into the pew, husband discretely started with his questions.
"why is there a neon 'Jesus' sign hanging from the ceiling? where is the crucifix? where's the statue of Mary? Is the bride Catholic? did you brother get an annulment from his last Catholic wedding? where are the kneelers!?"

His reaction to everything was so silly that I almost lost my composure. I guess taking a shot of vodka before leaving the house didn't help either.

The wedding procession was as normal as you could get.
The bride was given away by her father and step father.
Opening prayer was normal.
Okay, it's just a wedding service not a Catholic wedding.
Okay
Brides father walks up to the altar and sings a song to the couple.
Okay, nice but different.
The "Lords Prayer" was sung. Very long and slowly.
Husband whispers," Okay, that was like 20 minutes, its not that many words"
Why was my husband trying to make me burst out laughing.

Okay the exchanging of the vows...
at first I could hear the bride speaking, then she started whispering. I mean really whispering!
She went on and on and on.
Whispering
And then the groom started and he was whispering
People in the church we all looking all attentive like they could actually hear what was going on.
I started looking around confused because, it went on for a long long time.
I told my mother to sit back down if she felt week.
And it went on...

Then the priest stated something about going before God.
The bride and groom went to all the way up to the altar under the "Jesus" neon and someone shined a spotlight from the balcony.
So they stood there in the spotlight, whispering to each other again while music played.
Still standing
I begged my mother to sit down, but she held on.
This went on for 10 more minutes.

Not making this up now, repeat I am not making this up.

One of the bride's maids decided to start praising and speaking in tongues and "caught the Holy Ghost"

You should have seen the look on my husbands face!

Oh dear I fought so hard not to laugh!

Then the bride and groom came back down and things went back to normal.

Wedding over!

Now here comes the big top secret reception announcement!

"We would like to invite you to the church basement for the reception."

If haven't mentioned it before, the new couple had ran out of funding and was hoping for someone to donate a huge amount of money for the reception. I guess that donation hadn't come through.

If money was an issue, they maybe should have considered having the reception in the church basement originally.  It's a beautiful banquet area, there's even a cafe and a store that opens on Sunday.

The reception was put together at the last minute.

The buffet style meal consisted of, 2 chicken wings per person, 3 meatballs, a scoop of green beans,  a dollop of potato salad, and Hawaiian punch.

My mother looks at me and says, "don't eat the meatballs."

My second oldest brother ( the best man) was still moping about with that stick up his azz.
My husband began to feel bad when he noticed no one had brought gifts.
He asked the "best man" if the couple had a honey suite.
"Yeah", he grumbled.
 If they didn't we would have given them a room using our Marriott points on top of the check we had written as a gift.

yes, despite them being azzholes towards us, we still gave a gift.

We would later find out that they had no reservations and just $150 bucks for the night.
I feel bad that no one told us.

Despite the craziness, the ceremony was beautiful.

There was one bright moment that day.
My oldest brother had a 5th child while he was in between marriages.
My mother and I have always tried to be a part of the girls life.
We would go to recitals, have her over for dinner, buy her Christmas presents, etc.
She was a cool little kid.
We never wanted her to feel less of a grandchild because of her father's mess.
Well, she's 18 and she will be graduating from an accelerated learning program this weekend.
Not only will she receive her high school diploma but she will also be receiving her Associates Degree at the same time. Despite not having her father in her life she still managed to succeed.

This is something to really celebrate!

A Backgrounder Before the Wedding Update. Long post...sorry

Thanks goodness that the weekend is finally over!
What a painfully crazy weekend.

It all started with the arrival of my second eldest brother and his family who had driven up from Georgia for the wedding. He arrived with a stick up his azz as usual, grunting, pouting, and this time ignoring my husband and me.

Now let me try to fill you in on the dynamics of the family.
My mother has 5 children, 3 from her first marriage, and my younger brother and I from the second.
We were all raised by my mother and her second husband (my dad).
The older sibling's father had given up all his parental rights after the divorce.
My dad stepped in to continue raising them.
Unfortunately, my dad spoiled them rotten in an attempt to bey their love and acceptance.
The more they griped the more he gave.
Even after they had left home and started families, he continued to shower them with gifts and they were ungrateful little fucks.
He would purchase cars and large appliances and have them shipped or driven to whatever place in the country my sibling was living.
My eldest brother was given complete furnishings for his apartment after his first wedding.
Baby showers were completely paid for by my dad.

Now, were weren't exactly "well off" but we lived a comfortable life.
My dad was a  CPA and a financial wizard and knew how to make things work.
As my father's illness began to take it's toll our financial stability became shaky.
My father's heart began to give and he underwent several surgeries prior to him passing.
He still wanted to provide what the family was accustomed to.
He continued to look out for my siblings and their families.
Still providing cars when needed, rented an apartment and provided a car for my eldest brother and his family when they moved back to Chicago.
He bought complete winter wardrobes for all the children who had moved from a warmer climate.

Still ungrateful little fuck.

My dad past away with quite a few debts. The family home was in the clear but there were bills to be paid.

My younger brother and I picked up the slack and kept the household running. We maintained the family home and we made sure that my mother was taken care of.

The elder siblings did nothing.

Okay let's bring this story up to date.

A few years ago my eldest brother moved back to Chicago after 9/11 with wife number 3 and child number 6.
 My mother allowed him to move into the family home until they could get back on their feet. They never offered to pay for anything or help with the upkeep. Finally after months, my mother kicked them out. A year later my eldest brother was back living with my mother because he was divorcing wife number 3. "he had no place to go, what could I do?" stated my mother.

Once again, no contributions were made to the household for over 2 years. No groceries, no house work, no yard work, no rent, no bills paid, not even toilet paper. He quit his job a year ago and started a "religious" gift business and got engaged to a woman who was 22 years younger. She's a freelance videographer and photographer. They met in the church choir. So the traipse around being "churchy" and "born again".
HEY HOW ABOUT SOME DAMN HELP HERE!
I understand your happiness of being "born again" but I think you might be missing some big steps in that process.

My husband and I take care of my mother's household. She is elderly and on a limited budget. We handle her groceries, household upkeep, cable, phone, landscaping, etc.  My mother pays for the basic utilities, which can soar here in Chi.
She had gotten herself in trouble with a high interest loan that was gotten to pay off my father's debts. My husband and I corrected the problem but we are now on the new mortgage. Yeah, eke! She can now afford to keep up with her payments and still have a little money left over.
My Father left the house to me.
I have been on the Title of the house for many years, yet I don't flex my muscles too often. I wanted her to feel that it still was her home.

My mother has been in and out of the hospital this year and was diagnosed with liver cancer. She's got great insurance, however the co pays do add up.
We don't want her to worry or stress about the mounting bills.
My husband sent out a text message to all the male members of the family, asking that they all contribute $300 to cover the co-pay.
He worded it "As the men of the family, it would be a great gesture to take on this responsibility".
Only my youngest brother responded.
It's been more than 3 weeks with no other responses.


It seems that the grudge my siblings had against my father has now been passed on to me!

So bringing the story full circle, this is why my second oldest brother has a stick up his ass!

Sorry about the long post, but I had to get some things out there before the wedding update.

The wedding update will be posted this afternoon

Bringing Sexy Back

Sorry I haven't posted in quite some time. Having difficulties with my blogger account. I wasn't even able to post comments on other blogs. It was a bit discouraging.

Life has been very busy over the past week and I was a bit overwhelmed.
My older brother's wedding is tomorrow.
As of yesterday, there still wasn't any info on the reception.
My older sister scrambled to produce a cake.

Started my Lupron for my FET cycle on Wednesday.
Husband and I will be doing a 5K walk for Hope Children's Hospital and the Ronald McDonald House on Sunday. Should be fun, it actually goes past our house.

Today is our Boston Terrier's first birthday!
I made her a cake . My first doggie cake! Kinda came up with the recipe myself!
Used natural peanut butter and bacon!
Hope that no one else tries to eat it.
Bought her a kiddie pool.
Hope to train her to swim so she can eventually graduate to our pool.

Well to the subject of "sexiness".

Despite all the charting, temping, and timed intercourse of the past, my husband and I still had a rather healthy love life. In fact my gynocologist thought we "babydanced" too often.

We still managed to keep the fire burning and had tons of fun.
We were averaging 12-15 times a cycle! And that's with my husband's travel schedule! I still have no idea how the hell we did that. I pull up old charts and I'm actually shocked.

Well, since the missed miscarriage in January, I have found that my enthusiasm is waning.

Don't like this one bit!
I rummage through my head looking for the reason.
I found a few, but no real "eureka!" reason.

One my body has changed so much due to all the A.R.T. cycles.

I can barely squeeze into my sexy lingerie or costumes.
yes costumes

My flat stomach has been replaced with a  pooch. No matter how hard I work out, once I start getting results, another fertility cycle starts and the bloaty pooch is back!
My husband says he loves it but I feel like a bowl of jello.
I used to love to shop for lingerie with my husband but now I steer clear of it.
Maybe I need to accept my new body.
I could easily accept it if I were pregnant.
I felt so so sexy when I was pregnant!

Secondly, I think all the hormones and injections have thrown me out of balance.

My drive returns at odd times.
Really odd times, like when I'm doing laundry, when my husband is out of town, or when he's playing Xbox.
And I only desire "quickies", not the long drawn out "production" lovemaking my husband is accustomed to.

It seems that my husband is adverse to quickies no matter how turned on he is.
And he's usually always turned on and willing.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful but, I just want a quick raw burst of passion not the romance book production.

Lately "Production" lovemaking is drains the passion out of the equation.
"Production" sex equals, taking a shower right before, dressing up, dimming the lights, prepping any adult toys that are to be used, putting on some music, etc, etc.

I just want it, when I want it!

My husband said something to me the other night.
He said, "we've got to get you back to the 'sex goddess' you used to be"
Kinda made me feel bad. Am I not living up to my former self?
I've lost my sexiness and I do what it back.
It seems so simple, and yet I can't seem to evoke the spirit of my inner "sex goddess".

Has infertility killed my sex life?!

Promised myself that I would never let this happen.

What can I do to get my sexy back?