First a quick report.
My mother was released from the hospital yesterday. She had an infection of the bowel and also had another stint placed in her liver to open an obstruction.
We have to be cautious and careful because the chemo lowers her resistance to infection.
She is elated to be home.
Thank you for the thoughts and prayers.
Right now I have to be mindful of my moods and emotions.
I am really struggling to control my temper also.
The high dosage of estrogen is really affecting me.
At the moment I am wearing 4 estrogen patches and am taking 4 mg of estrace to boost my lining for egg transfer.
Somehow I managed to keep things in check during my previous IVF cycles but this FET cycle seems more difficult to handle my hormone related mood swings.
Up to Friday night I managed to keep that raging angry weeping feeling at bay but the events surrounding my mother's emergency room visit were more than I could handle.
After receiving the call from my sister that my mother had a fever and chills, we hopped into the car and attempted to rush to my parent's house.
We just happened to get caught by a slow moving freight train crossing a few miles from the house. There was no way around it. the train crossing spanned all streets heading east.
It just added to the building anxiety.
When we arrive there, my older bro and new wife were assisting my mother into their car.
They were at the house but were waiting for me to arrive before taking my mother to the emergency room.
WTF!!!
Idiots, just get her to the hospital!
My older sis jumped into our car and off we went.
As we sat in the waiting room two groups of teenagers began to pile in;
one group of city kids and one group of suburban looking kids.
All of them were crying and freaking out.
Now I think my estrogen levels were just waiting for a moment to turn me into a bawling mess.
My heart was in my throat.
I could almost feel all of their fears and emotions.
The estrogen rage began feeding on it and I couldn't suppress it.
It was a warm summer Friday night,all the makings for tragedy for teenagers in Chicago.
I watched as family members were taken through that door.
I knew where that door lead. That's were the chaplain and counsellors were for the worst case scenarios.
Finally my mother was taken back to a bed for treatment and diagnosis.
This emergency room has become too familiar to me.
After getting Mom situated , I asked my sister if she had informed the rest of my sibs about my mother.
My husband had attempted to contact my brother (Mr.Azz between his shoulders pissed off at the world yet "born again") on his cell but there was no answer.
She replied, "Oh he won't talk to your husband, he's mad at him"
RAGE Estrogen RAGE!
I blew up, couldn't hold it any longer!
I tried so hard. this wasn't the place or time but I lost it!
"WTF, is that f-ker mad about, he has no f-ing grounds to be mad about sht! I'm the one who should be mad! If he's mad about me not wanting to be used by my deadbeat older bro, he can kiss my azz. I'm not a sap or a ho to be used!"
Yes I said ho, I don't know where have those words came from.
"Don't try to use me like you used my father!"
Then I stormed out.
I ran outside of the emergency room to find my husband.
The area outside of the hospital's ER had filled up with teenagers.
It looked like a park.
The air was heavy with emotion and anxiety.
The two groups of teens had become one as they all awaited news on their friends.
They were swapping stories and trying to console each other.
This was too much for me.
Tears just poured out like a runny faucet.
So much, too much!
Took a few breaths and got it under control.
I returned to the seating area and sat in the only free seat next to my new sister-in-law and her new stepdaughter, my niece.
They were watching the Disney channel.
Greyson Chance was singing and playing the piano on TV.
I relaxed a bit.
Asked new sister in law about the teens outside.
She acted as if she didn't notice them or could care less, eating chips and hot chocolate.
Oblivious to what was going on around her.
If you are as "saved" and as super "Christian" as you like us to believe, wouldn't you show more concern for you fellow man?
Asked my niece, "Isn't that that the kid that was found on YouTube singing Lady Gaga? The one that Ellen and Lady Gaga helped get a record deal?"
Before she could speak, my new 30yr old, holier than thou, sister in law blurted, " I would never let either of them mentor a child of mine!"
Okay now hold it back hold it back.
My mind and the estrogen raced.
To myself, "b-you self righteous, know it all,phony, dumbazz!"
Stop stop stop control yourself!
This is why I sometimes have trouble with religion.
People like this!
At this moment that little witch should have kept that sht to herself.
I'm not a violent person but it took everything I had not to slap, slap, slap , SLAP her until my arm got too tired to slap!
My husband saw the look on my face and took me back outside to cool off luckily my younger bro showed up with my favorite nephew and that eased my mood.
Shortly the bad news about the two different teens had made it's rounds.
Crying families, crying groups of teens, wailing and sobbing on a mass scale.
Too much!
Too sad.
I fought to control my own tears.
Headed back in to my mother as they prepared to transfer her to a room and said goodnight.
She was feeling better and that made me feel better.
It was time to head home and try to sleep.
Only a mile to bed.
Knelt for a long time by the side of the bed, unsure of what to say or ask.
All I could say was "God please take care of everyone tonight, Oh and thank you for not letting me slap my new sister in law."
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