Sorry, Too busy to update

June has been a busy busy month for us.

First, I would like to thank you all for the kind comments and anniversary wishes.

I found out last Friday that my FET would be delayed.
I was shocked and upset to find that the lining of my uterus was not responding the way it should have to the estrogen.
It was still too thin!
The nurse questioned if I had been taking the meds properly.
After the results of my blood work, it seems that my estrogen is good and high but didn't boost my lining the way it should have.
My mind has been racing to figure out what might have caused the delay.
Even though the nurse said diet and physical activity would have nothing to do with it, I suspect the opposite.
I may have screwed things up for myself.

Since my last failed fresh IVF cycle, I have been exercising everyday and cutting back on calories.
I've lost more than 10 pounds since my last cycle ended in May.
I felt that I had gained way to much weight from the various A.R.T. cycles and failed pregnancy.
Kinda got tired of looking slightly pregnant when I wasn't.
It's so frustrating to have my body go through this and have no baby to show for it.
Maybe I took out my frustration on my body.
It's difficult to rationalize any of it.
It's crazy having all the hormones pumped into the body making it look and feel pregnant only to end up with an empty womb.
I keep thinking all this work and all I got was achy boobs, wide hips and a big gut.
Didn't like the people wondering "is she? or isn't she? is she just getting fat and old?"

Well, I think my quest to get back in shape has derailed my FET cycle!

Can't seem to win.

All this estrogen and the delay has triggered my anxiety.
Went to see my therapist for the first time in months.
Needed to get my anxiety levels in check.
A week ago I looked forward to my embryo transfer.
Now I am dreading it.
I'm so afraid of it not being successful.
I'm afraid of what happens next.
I'm afraid that this will be the end of my TTC journey.
I feel like I am setting myself up for another negative outcome.
Trying so hard to stop these feelings.
I'm looking at it as if there is a 90/10 chance instead of it being 50/50.
Oh goodness, I don't like thinking this way!
It is so difficult to convince myself otherwise.

This year has been so difficult.
It started with a miracle pregnancy with a tragic ending and continued to get worse with my mother's illness and sad prognosis.

I guess I'm lucky to have made it this far without a nervous breakdown.

Keep telling myself that it couldn't get any worse, but deep down inside I know, oh yes, it really can!

Whew!

Tomorrow I go back in for blood work and ultrasound.
Hopefully my uterus is responding better and I can have my FET next week.
I'll update tomorrow.