When Can I Breath?

After a busy holiday I had time to scan and upload a picture of my babies!
 6 weeks 1 day

The night before my ultrasound, I bounced back and forth in my thoughts.
I really wanted twins but with my luck, I just prayed that it wasn't a blighted ovum, ectopic, or molar pregnancy.
I meditated on the thought, "just let it be a healthy pregnancy, just let it be a healthy pregnancy."
Convinced myself that this was all that I wanted.
The next morning right before heading out the door and to the garaged, I just dropped to my knees and prayed.
"Oh Jesus! Please let there be two healthy babies!"

I was so nervous on the drive to the RE, I couldn't focus.

I was on autopilot at the RE's office.
Went into the bathroom changed into my paper skirt and hopped on the table.
Husband was so nervous, he would stop talking, I mean it was like he was foaming at the mouth.
The U/S tech probed me with the dildo cam, Laugh and said, " do you guys have a van?"
Okay I thought it's definitely multiples!
Twins! Oh Lord thank you, twins!

I was 6 weeks 1 days.
Baby A measured 6 weeks 1day
Baby B measured 6 weeks 2 days
Hallelujah!
And there were heartbeats in both!!!
One baby's heartbeat was slightly higher than the other.
The U/S tech said she was betting that one was a girl and the other a boy.
She said everything looked perfect and that the heartbeats were perfect.
Wow, I was in shock.

It was incredible, a year ago with my angel baby, Anya, at this point she didn't have a heartbeat and was measuring a week behind.

Still I was in so much shock.
Husband didn't shut up.
He was talking about all kinds of things without taking a breath.
He was speaking so fast I couldn't think or respond.
He and the RE talked about all kinds of everything as I sat there staring at a Turkish fertility statue with 20 breast on the RE's desk.
I just wanted my husband to shut up and for the RE to tell me everything is alright and that I could relax.
RE told me that once I get the initial scans done that I should go on a vacation.
Oh, and that I had to say goodbye to my high heeled combat boots.lol!
Things were going great, have a Merry Christmas.

I was overjoyed, overjoyed, overjoyed!

Crash!

Sadly that same day, another friend on the TWW blog had a second ultrasound only to discover that she had lost one of her twins.

By evening my bubble had burst.
She had excellent measurements and heartbeats.
What the hell happened?

Now I'm back to the insane terrified waiting game again.
I am terrified. I really want both of my babies.
I've started the ugly cycle of referring to google for all information about vanishing twins, etc etc.
I can't help it. It's a vicious cycle.

I really want both of these babies so so much!
Am I greedy for wanting 2?

When can I ever relax and just enjoy the good news?

Trying to stay positive and just be happy for what I have right now.
Today is a hard day 17yrs ago today ,I lost my father and my maternal grandmother just hours apart.

U/S Update

Running tons of errands today but I needed to pop in for a quick update.

The first thing the ultrasound technician said was, "do you guys own a van?"
Almost went numb!

It's twins!!!

Thank you Jesus!!
Please God let me keep my babies!!!

Another Long Wait

First I would like to apologize if my last post seemed a bit strange.
I had let anxiety get the best of me.
The Internet can be a dangerous place for a woman who's battled infertility.
For every good story you find there are two sad.
I'm a little hesitant to relax even with good beta numbers.
I start to overanalyze everything.
Its like being afraid to exhale and enjoy the moment.
I worried because my numbers only doubled every two days,when unread that other women's betas may have tripled.
I began to worry that my high numbers may be a sign of a genetic defect.
Basically, I almost lost my mind in a few short hours.
That darn infertility demon tried to get hold of me.
I'm feeling a bit better and trying to relax.
Trying...but I constantly run to the toilet to check if I am spotting.
Darn progesterone suppositories make me feel messy all day but I haven't spotted since 12dpo or 7 dp5dt.
Even though spotting is normal according to the hand out the hit RE gave me, I am terrified that it may occur.
Took another hpt this afternoon, the test line was darker than the control line.
You would think that would calm my crazies down.
Nope!
My ultrasound is a week away but it feels like years.

Almost exactly a year ago I was in low beta hell with my last pregnancy.
I heard that babys heartbeat for the first time the week before Christmas last year.
That ended in a missed m/c at almost 12 weeks.

I pray to God for peace, faith and patience.
I just want to know everything's going to be alright.

In pray to God for peace and patience.

Please excuse my junky posts, I'm using my phone.

Final beta, whew

Well after having several panic attacks this morning,
I broke down and called the nurse for my beta results.

I have been obsessing with numbers for the past couple is days.

The nurse was just about to phone me when I called.

The nurse stated that my test results were excellent and did double.
Whew thank god!

My next appointment is on December 23rd for my first ultrasound.

Im no longer going to post or think about numbers.

I came pretty close to a mental breakdown this morning.

Not fun, the Internet can be a information overload and it really pushed my buttons and provoked all kinds of fears.
So now that the numbers are behind me, it's time to smile and enjoy this time.

Beta #2

Quick update by phone Hcg 1500
So far so good. One more beta on Wednesday.

Beta results

Well, just popping in with my phone
Nurse called with my results
HCG 560!!! At 10dp5dt
I'm pregnant!!!
Cautiously optimistic!
Second beta on Monday.

ALittle Scared

Yesterday afternoon, I discovered some brown spotting.
Scared the pants off of me.
I couldn't eat almost couldn't move.
Referred to the Internet and it can be common after getting a BFP.
Still really didn't calm me enough.
With my chemical pregnancy after IVF, I also had brown spotting on 7dp5dt and it continued until the Re told me that my hcg numbers didn't rise.
So spotting scares the crap out of me.
I had given my husband my large envelopes of pregnancy test to hide from me the day before, so I didn't have any test.
When he got home I checked and found then in his briefcase.
I swore I wouldn't test again, but I needed to or I would lose my mind.
This is the result.
It calms me a bit, but spotting is a very scary thing for me.
Woke up this morning and I have a terrible pain in my back.
Not sure if I slept wrong or maybe its from the massage chair at the manicurist.
Scared!
Only 2 more days til my beta and I can't wait.
What to do?

Praying

Silly me has been taking test since Friday morning which was 3dp5dt.
On Friday evening I started getting faint lines so dipped one in tap water as a control.
That one was negative.

This is today's test 5dp5dt.
Praying hard, I have suffered many early losses.
Praying for a sticky bean!!