In Need of An Attitude Adjustment?

With my next IVF cycle just around the corner, my mind is a mess once again.

My emotions are all over the place.

When I think back, I never went into an IVF cycle feeling optimistic.

Maybe it could be the long string of natural and IUI cycles that went bust that have kept me from just waltzing into an IVF cycle whistling.

Maybe its because every time I had a cycle buddy, my buddy got pregnant, went on to deliver, and I didn't.

There are some women who from the very beginning of their IVF cycle start actively planning for a baby.

There are some women who are already picking out cribs and nursery furniture as soon as they get that positive beta blood test.

I've never been able to do that.

Heck, I followed one woman's blog, before even setting a date for her IVF, purchased a house in an area with the best schools, bought a SUV that would fit 3 , yes three! car seats, and wanted to time her IVF so the babies would come at the right time of year.

The last cycle buddy I had, purchased nursery items and maternity clothing while still cycling.

I've also watched cycle buddies go on to have another pregnancy and child, while I sit here with empty arms.

Oh how I wish I could go into an IVF cycle ignorant of what I've been through.

How I wish my mind would let me enjoy the ride and dive headfirst into a sea of baby fantasies!

Free baby and pregnancy magazine still arrive in the mail, sad reminders of my last pregnancy.

I quickly toss them into the recycling bin rather than save them for a possible upcoming pregnancy.

What should I do?

Should I do like those who practice the laws of attraction? Should I make a collage of baby pics and stare at that every day?

I pray everyday and every night.  I'm beginning to think that maybe God has already spoken and maybe I missed the message to stop begging for a baby.

We tithe regularly at Mass but my dear husband made a secret deal with the "big guy in the sky" that he would donate a large amount to the church and various charities once we heard the heartbeat.

Can you imagine the look on my face when I saw the weekly bulletin at church and saw a huge dollar amount by our last name?

My hubbie kept his promise. I found out that the baby's heart stopped beating shortly thereafter.

I feel gipped. 

I know that's wrong...but I do.

It's so hard to believe that good things can happen for me.

Maybe I need an attitude adjustment!

Now I'm starting to ramble and my sweet husband just walked through the door. He is peeking at the pot on the stove.

Time to go!