"drive home" I told myself. From the parking garage at the OB I called my mother. She was so crushed. My mother is in her eighties and had me in her fourties. My father was 50 when I was born and is no longer living. During my ttc journey the dull aching tick of the clock has been haunting me. My father promised me he would live to hold my first born. Just praying and praying that my mom would get to hold my baby. The pregnancy gave us all so much hope. It gave my mother renewed strength. She calmly told me to drive home and wait for my husband. I walked into the back door and headed to the basement for an empty box. Tore through my closet and bookshelf placing anything baby or pregnancy related into the box. Finally I placed the little fur hat and my u/s pics in last. I was so alone. My baby was gone. My husband made it home in record time. He was going to tell his office that I was pregnant that day. We collapsed into each others arms and wailed. "What had we'd done wrong?" Was it because I lifted something too heavy? Was it because I vacuumed the bedroom? Was it because we made love? WAS IT BECAUSE I HAD AN ORGASM?!!
The nurse called from the hospital with my instructions. 6:30 am 3rd floor, labor and delivery. LABOR AND DELIVERY!!?? Its like pouring rock salt into my wounds. Tried to sleep that night hoping I would wake from this nightmare. Woke up, no my baby is really gone! Made an egg for my husband and we drove to the hospital. As we drove I imagined this would've been the same route taken when we the baby was due. Why am I being hurt so badly? Lord, what did I do to deserve this?
The nurse showed me to my room. My husband began asking for another u/s. "I won't believe it until I see it! I won't!' he between sobs. We were a mess,crying so hard we couldn't breath. My dear husband helped me into the hospital gown and we waited. The when the OB arrived she stated that we wouldn't have time for a final u/s and that it would mess up the schedule. She had c-sections scheduled also that morning. She finally gave in and allowed my husband a final look to be sure. I turned my head away. Couldn't bear to see my little one like that. They left us alone and my poor husband punched the wall and fell to pieces. So did I. when my time came, my husband held on to me and didn't want to let go. This was the end of our miraculous pregnancy.
I awoke in a strange bright room ,lying in a huge puddle of blood. "You've been bleeding a lot" a nurse told me. She changed the pad under me and wheeled me back to my husband. Apparently my husband and a long conversation with the doctor and had calmed a bit. We sat in that room, in 'labor and delivery", listening to the sound of a baby's heart beating through a monitor in the next room, one of the c-sections waiting to head into the OR. WTF! WAS SOMETHING OUT TO GET ME! We sat in a eerie silence that was softly broken by the sound of that baby's heart. Tears and sobs. A grief counselor was sent in. She made me feel worse. They brought a tray in and wanted me to eat. I gave it to my husband. The nurse was nice enough to let my husband wheel me out.
Weeks later we got the pathology report.
Monosomy X
A little girl with Turner's syndrome. There was nothing I did wrong but love her.
We named her Anya.
We thank Anya for bring so much happiness and hope for those brief few weeks.
As a try to convince myself to do another IVF cycle, I have these strange thoughts.
Was that time so wonderful because it will never happen again. I mean, will I never be pregnant again? Was it so wonderful so that I never forget the time I was really pregnant?
Is this the end of my journey to become a mother to my own child?
I look at myself in the mirror. My eyes are so different.
I used to tell my reflection, "You will be a mama."
Now I can't bring myself to say anything.
It's like my prayers now. I still fall to my knees every night, but my mind goes blank.
What becomes of me now?
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