The Infertility Closet

First, I apologize if this blog is messy today. Typed it with one hand.

Now that I've gone through my journey to conceive my children and although my journey has ended, infertility still affects my life.

Recently, I have been placed into an infertility closet. I choose not to be, but my husband and my mother-in-law have forced me into it.

A few weeks ago I went to check out used cars. We are in desperate need of a new car for our little family. I went to carmax to see a wide variety of vehicles. The salesman I met was a nice older gentleman whose daughter was expecting twins. It was still early and he proudly presented a 7 week ultrasound picture.

He was excited and anxious to ask me questions.
His first and only grandchildren. Maybe it's something about my face, people like to tell me their stories.
The gentleman began to tell me how his daughter struggled for so long trying to conceive a child. Finally she and her husband came to him and his wife and ask for a loan in order to attempt an IVF procedure. They had tried everything else. He and his wife did not give them a loan, they gifted them the money for their IVF procedure. He went on to tell me that his daughter went through so much. He never knew there was so many medications and injections. after her retrieval only two eggs remained ,only two eggs fertilize, two eggs transferred. she was blessed to be pregnant with twins. She was still in the early stages however I believe that it will be a successful pregnancy.
He was so anxious to share this with me. $15000 babies he called them with glee. The salesman was so happy and so overjoyed to share his daughter's story. So proud!

I wanted to pour my heart out to this man. But I felt there have been invisible shackles placed upon my lips. I wondered and I worry what if my husband came to the salesman and the salesman let him know that I told about our infertility struggles. To me I felt no shame in telling the man what I gone through and sharing my struggles and sharing my trials. I felt that it was so unfair that these restraints have been placed upon me by my husband and my mother-in-law.I love to help people and I love talking to kindhearted people.

Slowly I began to open up. Had to, it was in my heart. I felt as if God placed me in this position and brought me to this man to share my struggles and share my journey. I wanted to give hope to them.I felt shame not ashamed of having to have IVF are going through infertility but the shame of not being forthright with this man. I began to slowly tell him bits and pieces of my own story and my own journey. I think he understood why I had to be quiet about the situation. It was a beautiful thing that this fellow was so proud of his daughter for her struggles that she went through to bring more lives into their family. I wish others could be as proud and as forthcoming when it comes to things like the silence of infertility.

I do not like this infertility closet that I have been forced into. I do understand why some have concerns about it.
There are very few weak minded individuals that find it comical or blasphemous to seek help in producing children.

Why is society so twisted in this way?
A strange day and age in which sexual promiscuity is accepted. Public drunkenness is excepted infidelity is excepted and where fertility is something to joke, snicker and pity about.
Why is that?
why is it a word that is spoken behind closed doors?
Why should I feel shame for something that I hadn't brought onto myself?
no one wishes to bring on themselves.
I have overcome this! I fought my ass off in this battle with infertility! I was challenged and I won!
Now I have to be ashamed and hide not because of my own feelings but because of how society views it.
It does not make me less of a woman. It does not make me look pitiful in God's eyes. I am triumphant!
I struggled but I finally got to the end of the finish line in that race.

I have a beautiful picture of the two embryos that were placed in my womb. These are my children. But my husband won't ever allow me to tell our children.
Will they feel inadequate strange odd because society deems them "artificial"? I would hate to burden them with the stigma that may be attached to their conception.

They were loved, they were wanted, they were plan,they were desired. They were conceived in the act of love just as many other children are. I love them so much and I see them as gifts from God.

Man may have had a hand in creating them but doesn't man always have a hand in creating children. God gives us his tools for reason.

For now I am in infertility closet. But I will venture out when my heart tells me too. hopefully one day I can come out of infertility closet confidently and be excepted.