Sporting The Bump

This past week, I've actually felt pregnant.
Well, I've had symptoms for quite some time but I actually allowed myself to be pregnant.
I do find myself wavering back and forth into the land of denial and anxiety, but this week I allowed myself to feel.
To feel more than an impostor in the land of pregnancy
To feel more than just an unsure visitor
To feel comfortable enough to look to the future rather than week to week

I knew my body was changing but, it just wasn't quite enough until someone else noticed it.
Maybe it's because I saw my babies and know their genders.
I can feel my babies move in me.
I know it's not gas.
I think I feel both.
The feeling have brought me so much joy and have eased some of my anxieties, though sometimes I hope it isn't my mind playing a cruel joke on me.

Last week I made my first major purchase.
Using husbands Amex rewards points, I purchased a package of swaddling blankets, 4 pacifiers, and 2 cases of newborn diapers on Amazon.com.
Waves of anxiety rushed over me as I clicked to complete the transaction, Whew!

The next day I took my first trip ever to BabiesRUs.
I was lost.
It wasn't as fun as I thought, it was overwhelming!
I took notes and priced items I may need.
I know one thing, I won't be buying at BabiesRUs!
I probably won't register there either.

Husband told mother-in-law the babies' names. Of course she complained.
"No, no, no!", in English, the rest in Polish.
Someone from her old village had my baby boy's name and someone here in Chicago has my baby girl's name as a nickname.
WTF!
I've had these names picked out since I started TTC, years ago.
Tough titties!
When I saw my babies last week on the 3d ultrasound, I called them by name.
They are finally my babies.

To quote my dear friend Kez
"..with 7 billion people on the planet, there's not much likelihood of your kids having names no one else has..unless you name them Xyrkml and Gughureter..and even they're probably taken"

Made me laugh my butt off last night before bed! Love that girl!!!

Today I bought a few more maternity pieces.
I wandered through the aisles freely.
Can you believe that!
Wandered into the baby department and had an impulse buy!
UHOHH!
Too cute, too reasonable to pass up.
$12.99 and $8.99 hats included.

I quickly hid them in the guest bedroom closet with the receipt attached.
Some old habits die hard.
It was a scary purchase for me.
I'm allowing myself to dream again.
In the words of my therapist, "why do you have to have your own permission to do something?"
Makes sense, but it's so hard to let go of the restrictions I have placed on myself due my past experiences.