We both almost forgot but remembered during childbirth class yesterday.
I woke up this morning feeling so lost, not sure what I should be doing today.
One car has a flat tire and Husband has the other.
Husband is feeling lost and blue also.
We've slowed up just enough for the emotions to seep through.
It's finally hitting me hard.
At 10 am every morning I called my mom. every morning and she always answered, even the day before she passed away.
After every doctor's appointment whether it was my RE, therapist, GP , or OBgyn, she was the first person I called.
Every time I walked into my own house I called her to let her know I was okay.
At 9pm every night we always called each other to say 'goodnight'
Last week when I walked out of my U/S, a pulled my i-phone out of my pocket and I had no one to call.
I didn't make any copies of my u/s pics because I had no one to give them to.
Every morning she would ask how the babies behaved as I slept, did they kick, did they shift, what did I feed them this morning.
She promised me she would be here and I feel like it's my fault for waiting so long to start ttcing.
My father promised me he would live to hold my first, but he didn't make it to see my 24th birthday.
I thought she would get to hold them.
She always told me I would have twins. She saw them in her dreams. She believed when I couldn't.
Now I look at this picture and I see her in the blue dress I buried her in. I can barely see the keyboard I am typing on through my tears.
I feel so lost
5 comments:
Babette I dont know if this helps or not. I am not a religious person at all, but with that being said I sometimes feel my dad around me. Rather its in a realistic dream or a smell or a song. I know the hurt and the emptiness of losing a parent. I think she will be there and see babies and she will be in there life to protect them, just not physically.
I am thinking of you and hoping that everyday you can get a little stronger and the pain will be a litle less.
I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I'm sure your mom is smiling down on you and those babies. And she will always be there in spirit. And even though you can't call her after every appointment or ultrasound, I bet she knows how happy you are carrying those babies!!
Happy anniversary to you and the hubs. May you have many more wonderful years ahead.
Oh Babette! Your post brought me to tears, not that it takes much these days! I'm sure your mom is watching over you and your babies! Take good care of yourself. You are not to blame for waiting to TTC, known of us can predict how long these things take. Years ago, I thought I would already have 3 children by now, and here I am still working on numder one. I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!
Just randomly lurking...
I wanted to say that I am sending up prayers for you. There seems to be quite a bit going on at once.
I'm praying that you will always feel your mother's presence, and that the picture that you piant of her for your children will allow them to feel as if they know her, as well you did.
God bless you, and keep you. Be encouraged and inspired. May strength and peace be your friends.
Like Toni Rapp said. I too feel my Poppy(grandfather) with me. Whether it be in a song or just a feeling I get. My Poppy passed suddenly after a surgery about 6 months after we started TTC and it hurts so bad that he will never hold our children when he acted as my father since mine died when I was 3. He was there for everything in my life and taught me so much. It is so hard. Praying for peace for you and your Hubby.
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