Today was my post IVF consult with my doctor.
The day started off badly before the day could even start.
I woke up at 5am from one of my recurrent "apocalyptic" nightmares.
As far back as I can remember, I've had recurring nightmares of disasters and doomsday type situations.
When I was younger it was a monstrous storm approaching and not being to escape.
Now, in my old age, its more dire situations. In these dreams there is no escape and I spend most of the dream trying to prepare for my own death.
In my latest nightmare, I kept dropping to my knees attempting to pray but I couldn't remember the words.
In the dream, I eventually came to the conclusion that there was nothing after death but nothingness.
There was a moment of fear, I died, and there was nothing.
I jolted awake with my heart pounding so hard my ears were ringing.
It was horrible.
When I was younger I used to keep a dream journal and would scan my many books on dreams to decipher the meanings.
Haven't touched these books in years. There is no need to pick apart my nightmares.
My subconscious is dampening my dreams with the dark thoughts and feelings I try to avoid in waking life.
I somehow managed to drift back to sleep only to be awaken by thunder and the beating of rain against my window.
Rain was coming down in buckets and I wasn't looking forward to the drive to the doctor's office.
I white knuckled it all the way there.
Streets were flooded, traffic signals were out, and cars were skidding across intersections
Really wasn't in the mood for this meeting.
My hands were shaking as I signed in with the receptionist.
Had to pull myself together. Didn't want to hear anything negative this morning.
Doc was very pleasant. I suspected that he would try to push me into another "fresh" IVF cycle.
In fact he started the conversation in what seemed to be that direction.
He said "I'm tempted to twist your arm" but just stopped with that train of thought.
Maybe my looking frazzled and worn changed his mind.
Doctor stated that it was my best cycle despite a negative outcome and that I had excellent frozen embryos to transfer.
He stated that the frozen embryos are a much better grade than what was transferred during my fresh cycle.
He gave me close to a 50% chance of getting pregnant with a frozen embryo transfer.
I will start lupron next week, followed by estrogen patches, estrogen pills up my "woohoo", progesterone suppositories and PIO after transfer.
Looks like my transfer may be on June 30th five days after my 5th wedding anniversary.
In the past five years, my husband and I haven't been able to ever consummate our anniversary due to work travel schedules and IUI/IVF cycles.
We didn't even get to do the deed on our wedding night.
(I passed out after the reception. NOT MY FAULT. Husband made me take that one last shot of vodka)
Looks like this may be our lucky year! LOL!
Starting to ramble again.
Looks like the sun is finally peeking through!
Jumping right back onto the horse that threw me!
Onto my Frozen embryo transfer!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Does God Take Care of Fools?
The old saying "God takes care of fools and children" has been running through my mind.
Maybe its because I am having such a difficult time dealing with recent events occurring this week.
We took my mother to the oncologist yesterday.
She has bile duct cancer of the liver.
It is not curable. It is only treatable to keep it from spreading and to also alleviate some of the symptoms.
She will have to undergo chemo-therapy in the next few weeks to elongate her life.
In the back of my mind I knew this would be a possibility and tried to prepare myself for this.
I wasn't prepared enough.
My heart stopped, my hearing shutdown, and I could no longer feel my body.
My mother, looked at me and almost screamed my name.
I must've looked like I was about to hit the floor.
All I could say.
"We're going to be alright Mama. We're going to be all right."
She said, " I know we will."
It difficult to even type this right now.
I told my sister the news as we waited for our mother to finish blood tests.
She freaked out but reacted the only other way she knew how.
"What are we going to eat for lunch?", she said
I made it through yesterday the only way I know how.
Lately, I've just been taking it one day at a time. Living each day as it's own and not tomorrow's.
Didn't eat much at all yesterday, an order of french fries
But I finished off half a bottle of wine.
Now let's get back to the topic "God takes care of fools and children"
My oldest brother, who has been married 3 times, sent out invitations to his 4th wedding this week.
Yes, Here comes wife number 4!
Since being laid off from his long time management position and divorce, 2 years ago he has been living at my parents house and not contributing at all. He doesn't even do housework or yard work.
My mother allowed him to stay because it's such a large house and she couldn't turn one of her children to the streets.
He and his fiance have been running a religious gifts business and website for the past several months.
Neither of them have a steady job and now they are planning a Wedding on June 4th.
It has been decided ,or at least I have decided, that they will not live at my parents house after the wedding.
The two seem oblivious to this.
Inside the invitation are cards that direct you to the website "honeyfund.com".
Listed on their wedding registry are requests for $3000 in airfare, $1000 in hotel accommodations, and $2000 more in extras such as tour, dining, and transportation costs.
At the bottom of the list, they are requesting $10,000 to start their new life together.
Yup request one hundred-$100 pledges for their new home.
Oh and also they also registered at BED BATH AND BEYOND!
My older sis questioned them about it.
Their response, "It is our blessing that is about to come through"
Ohhhhhhkay! UMMM? WTF!!
You know as stupid as this all seems,
I BET THEY WILL GET IT!
Too many times I have seen idiots come out on top!
Why won't this logic work for those of us who aren't idiots?
Why is it that no matter how much we believe, we end up with the short end of the stick?
If God takes care of the Idiots, what becomes of the rest of us?
Why do I watch my wonderful bright and brilliant "sisters in infertility" be denied a child in their arms, when an idiot like my older brother has six children?
Six children that view him with contempt for being an absentee father.
Why did my idiot potsmoking former friend conceive and give birth to 3 healthy children naturally even with a reproductive system that is twisted and scarred from STDS?
Edit- I almost forgot, she had a late term abortion too.
I'm struggling with all of this.
I desperately need and want my mother to hold my child in her arms, and now the clock is ticking so much louder.
The beat of the clock is unbearable.
Maybe its because I am having such a difficult time dealing with recent events occurring this week.
We took my mother to the oncologist yesterday.
She has bile duct cancer of the liver.
It is not curable. It is only treatable to keep it from spreading and to also alleviate some of the symptoms.
She will have to undergo chemo-therapy in the next few weeks to elongate her life.
In the back of my mind I knew this would be a possibility and tried to prepare myself for this.
I wasn't prepared enough.
My heart stopped, my hearing shutdown, and I could no longer feel my body.
My mother, looked at me and almost screamed my name.
I must've looked like I was about to hit the floor.
All I could say.
"We're going to be alright Mama. We're going to be all right."
She said, " I know we will."
It difficult to even type this right now.
I told my sister the news as we waited for our mother to finish blood tests.
She freaked out but reacted the only other way she knew how.
"What are we going to eat for lunch?", she said
I made it through yesterday the only way I know how.
Lately, I've just been taking it one day at a time. Living each day as it's own and not tomorrow's.
Didn't eat much at all yesterday, an order of french fries
But I finished off half a bottle of wine.
Now let's get back to the topic "God takes care of fools and children"
My oldest brother, who has been married 3 times, sent out invitations to his 4th wedding this week.
Yes, Here comes wife number 4!
Since being laid off from his long time management position and divorce, 2 years ago he has been living at my parents house and not contributing at all. He doesn't even do housework or yard work.
My mother allowed him to stay because it's such a large house and she couldn't turn one of her children to the streets.
He and his fiance have been running a religious gifts business and website for the past several months.
Neither of them have a steady job and now they are planning a Wedding on June 4th.
It has been decided ,or at least I have decided, that they will not live at my parents house after the wedding.
The two seem oblivious to this.
Inside the invitation are cards that direct you to the website "honeyfund.com".
Listed on their wedding registry are requests for $3000 in airfare, $1000 in hotel accommodations, and $2000 more in extras such as tour, dining, and transportation costs.
At the bottom of the list, they are requesting $10,000 to start their new life together.
Yup request one hundred-$100 pledges for their new home.
Oh and also they also registered at BED BATH AND BEYOND!
My older sis questioned them about it.
Their response, "It is our blessing that is about to come through"
Ohhhhhhkay! UMMM? WTF!!
You know as stupid as this all seems,
I BET THEY WILL GET IT!
Too many times I have seen idiots come out on top!
Why won't this logic work for those of us who aren't idiots?
Why is it that no matter how much we believe, we end up with the short end of the stick?
If God takes care of the Idiots, what becomes of the rest of us?
Why do I watch my wonderful bright and brilliant "sisters in infertility" be denied a child in their arms, when an idiot like my older brother has six children?
Six children that view him with contempt for being an absentee father.
Why did my idiot potsmoking former friend conceive and give birth to 3 healthy children naturally even with a reproductive system that is twisted and scarred from STDS?
Edit- I almost forgot, she had a late term abortion too.
I'm struggling with all of this.
I desperately need and want my mother to hold my child in her arms, and now the clock is ticking so much louder.
The beat of the clock is unbearable.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Blogger Deleted Posts and Comments
First I would like to thank you all for the kind comments.
Blogger had some malfunction and temporarily deleted my last two posts and comments.
I did get to read your kind comments before the mishap.
While my dear husband was catching a connecting flight in Houston, he called and I gave him the bad news.
Although he was disappointed, he took it rather well.
I think we are finally becoming numb to the disappointment.
I shifted into auto drive and dove into housework.
Laid out my husbands work clothes, packed his lunch, prepped the coffee pot, and made a small dinner.
Just kinda numb.
The next day I took my mother to get her PICC line removed.
We will no longer have to give her antibiotics via IV.
Took her to Walmart to get a few skeins of yarn. She loves to crochet.
The craft's section was right next to baby section.
My mother said, "not yet but soon. I'm not going yet. We have time"
Actually seeing all the little outfits didn't hurt as bad as it had in the past, but
hearing her say that made me go slowly go numb, from the top of my head, to my face, and straight to my toes.
I hate this. I really do. This really sucks.
This is a sickening ride that I am on.
Aunt Flo showed her face yesterday.
Have to call the RE's nurse tomorrow and start birth control.
Prepping for a frozen embryo transfers now.
I have two frozen embryos.
The day of my 5 day transfer, I still had 6 embies going and the lab tech estimated that I would have 3 good ones to freeze.
However, my RE's office only freezes on the 6th day and only freezes "good"grade blasts.
Still not sure what this could mean for us.
A 4bb blast and an early blast was transferred and I still ended up negative.
My missed miscarriage last cycle was only an early blast and it implanted.
Why didn't this "better" blast implant?
This is so hard. Why do I yearn so desperately for a baby of my own.
How to I begin to quell this overwhelming desire?
How do I begin to let go?
How do I tell my arms that they might never hold a child of it's own flesh?
How do I tell my battered body to let go of the desire and pain?
How do I begin to fill the hole in my heart that faith once occupied?
No honestly, what do you believe in when your faith is gone and seems like a childhood notion?
What do you do when your perceptions of a loving God have been replaced with just fear?
What do you do when you drop to your kneed and pray out of fear instead of Love and faith?
How do I love, if he allows me to suffer so greatly?
Why can't He take this desire from me, if it is not meant to be?
What do you do when you can't live without bracing for the next impact?
My rose-colored glasses have gone black.
I often celebrate days when my home phone never rings.
My home phone has become a hot-line for grief and sadness.
How the heck can I get over the desire to have a child of my own?
How can I let go?
How do I move on?
I ask my therapist this all the time.
How?
Blogger had some malfunction and temporarily deleted my last two posts and comments.
I did get to read your kind comments before the mishap.
While my dear husband was catching a connecting flight in Houston, he called and I gave him the bad news.
Although he was disappointed, he took it rather well.
I think we are finally becoming numb to the disappointment.
I shifted into auto drive and dove into housework.
Laid out my husbands work clothes, packed his lunch, prepped the coffee pot, and made a small dinner.
Just kinda numb.
The next day I took my mother to get her PICC line removed.
We will no longer have to give her antibiotics via IV.
Took her to Walmart to get a few skeins of yarn. She loves to crochet.
The craft's section was right next to baby section.
My mother said, "not yet but soon. I'm not going yet. We have time"
Actually seeing all the little outfits didn't hurt as bad as it had in the past, but
hearing her say that made me go slowly go numb, from the top of my head, to my face, and straight to my toes.
I hate this. I really do. This really sucks.
This is a sickening ride that I am on.
Aunt Flo showed her face yesterday.
Have to call the RE's nurse tomorrow and start birth control.
Prepping for a frozen embryo transfers now.
I have two frozen embryos.
The day of my 5 day transfer, I still had 6 embies going and the lab tech estimated that I would have 3 good ones to freeze.
However, my RE's office only freezes on the 6th day and only freezes "good"grade blasts.
Still not sure what this could mean for us.
A 4bb blast and an early blast was transferred and I still ended up negative.
My missed miscarriage last cycle was only an early blast and it implanted.
Why didn't this "better" blast implant?
This is so hard. Why do I yearn so desperately for a baby of my own.
How to I begin to quell this overwhelming desire?
How do I begin to let go?
How do I tell my arms that they might never hold a child of it's own flesh?
How do I tell my battered body to let go of the desire and pain?
How do I begin to fill the hole in my heart that faith once occupied?
No honestly, what do you believe in when your faith is gone and seems like a childhood notion?
What do you do when your perceptions of a loving God have been replaced with just fear?
What do you do when you drop to your kneed and pray out of fear instead of Love and faith?
How do I love, if he allows me to suffer so greatly?
Why can't He take this desire from me, if it is not meant to be?
What do you do when you can't live without bracing for the next impact?
My rose-colored glasses have gone black.
I often celebrate days when my home phone never rings.
My home phone has become a hot-line for grief and sadness.
How the heck can I get over the desire to have a child of my own?
How can I let go?
How do I move on?
I ask my therapist this all the time.
How?
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
My husband is on a flight from texas.
How am I going to tell him?
He really believed this worked.
I'm so scared.
He's going to be so crushed.
I really f-ing hate this ride and I want to get off.
It's so hard not to feel so betrayed by my body.
I am closing in on the "end of the line"
I refuse to use donor eggs or adopt.
I know it has brought many of you happiness, but for personal reasons, I refuse.
Please do not suggests this to me, you don't want me to unleash my anger on you.
This journey may be coming very close to an end.
How am I going to tell him?
He really believed this worked.
I'm so scared.
He's going to be so crushed.
I really f-ing hate this ride and I want to get off.
It's so hard not to feel so betrayed by my body.
I am closing in on the "end of the line"
I refuse to use donor eggs or adopt.
I know it has brought many of you happiness, but for personal reasons, I refuse.
Please do not suggests this to me, you don't want me to unleash my anger on you.
This journey may be coming very close to an end.
Negative Beta
Right not I don't have much to say.
Nurse just called and my beta was negative.
Have to schedule post consultation and start pills when AF shows.
Nurse just called and my beta was negative.
Have to schedule post consultation and start pills when AF shows.
Monday, May 9, 2011
2 days to Beta and I Haven't Tested
Mother's day was a pleasant day
My mom received tons of flowers, cards, and some awesome plants for her flower bed.
She's doing much better and will possibly have her PICC line removed this week.
Yippee!
We will be meeting with an oncologist in a few weeks.
Taking it one day at a time.
DH left for Texas on a three day business trip, leaving me with semi-idle hands but...
I haven't attempted to test. Well, at least since I ran out of tests 4dp5dt
I thought I may have seen something at 4dp5dt but not sure
I may appear to be calm to the untrained eye, but I am GOING CRAZY!!!!
I am itching to test!
Two days past my transfer, I awoke with terrible cramps (I don't get cramps often so I thought I had food poisoning) and nausea.
DH ran out to the 24hr pharmacy to buy a new thermometer.
He thought I had an infection.
Nope normal temps
RE's nurse assured me that it was normal and common with the progesterone.
I've done 3 complete IVF cycles prior to this and I had never felt like this.
Tried not to think about it, just chalked it up to my body recovering from my egg retrieval.
Besides that one incident, I feel just like I always do during the "twoweekwait".
To curb the itch I have to reason with myself.
I cant test because...
If it is negative, I can't pretend I didn't test when talking to DH on the phone.
I can't test because...
If it is positive, I will be on pins and needles until my Beta.
I'm trying to keep calm and distracted.
Found leftover bubbles from my wedding 5yrs ago.
Discovered that I could keep myself and our Boston Terrier busy until I get light headed.
Bubbles are cool!
My mother has been helping me out with my PIO injections. My husband or my phlebotomist girlfriend usually does it.
My Mommy does it the best. She takes pride in the fact that she does it so well.
When I think about it, She's willing to do whatever she can to help me give her a grandchild.
Tearing up
Yikes, Didn't want this to get emotional.
Holding out for the beta.
Please Keep me in your thoughts
My mom received tons of flowers, cards, and some awesome plants for her flower bed.
She's doing much better and will possibly have her PICC line removed this week.
Yippee!
We will be meeting with an oncologist in a few weeks.
Taking it one day at a time.
DH left for Texas on a three day business trip, leaving me with semi-idle hands but...
I haven't attempted to test. Well, at least since I ran out of tests 4dp5dt
I thought I may have seen something at 4dp5dt but not sure
I may appear to be calm to the untrained eye, but I am GOING CRAZY!!!!
I am itching to test!
Two days past my transfer, I awoke with terrible cramps (I don't get cramps often so I thought I had food poisoning) and nausea.
DH ran out to the 24hr pharmacy to buy a new thermometer.
He thought I had an infection.
Nope normal temps
RE's nurse assured me that it was normal and common with the progesterone.
I've done 3 complete IVF cycles prior to this and I had never felt like this.
Tried not to think about it, just chalked it up to my body recovering from my egg retrieval.
Besides that one incident, I feel just like I always do during the "twoweekwait".
To curb the itch I have to reason with myself.
I cant test because...
If it is negative, I can't pretend I didn't test when talking to DH on the phone.
I can't test because...
If it is positive, I will be on pins and needles until my Beta.
I'm trying to keep calm and distracted.
Found leftover bubbles from my wedding 5yrs ago.
Discovered that I could keep myself and our Boston Terrier busy until I get light headed.
Bubbles are cool!
My mother has been helping me out with my PIO injections. My husband or my phlebotomist girlfriend usually does it.
My Mommy does it the best. She takes pride in the fact that she does it so well.
When I think about it, She's willing to do whatever she can to help me give her a grandchild.
Tearing up
Yikes, Didn't want this to get emotional.
Holding out for the beta.
Please Keep me in your thoughts
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Sticks and Stones Break My Bones, But Words Can Also Hurt Me?
Please excuse my jumbled thoughts, Perhaps I may get my message across.
Something has been in the back of my mind for a few weeks.
Throughout my TTC journey, I have heard many women say "speak no negativity over my body" or something of the sort.
Even though I had heard this before many times, I never put it into practice myself.
I am so guilty of beating the crap out of myself during my attempts and failures while trying to conceive and carry our first child.
I will probably be guilty of this during this cycle also.
At my former fertility specialist's office, I rarely got positive feedback.
In fact, Dr. Negative seemed reluctant to give credit when credit was due.
It was always, "you've had this many eggs retrieved but..., we transferred these eggs, but..., your beta is positive, but.., your age is a huge factor!", etc, etc, ETC!!
Felt like the guy never had anything nice to say!
Fast forward to my new specialist
Now regardless of the outcome of the cycle, I can say that I have been treated in such a positive manner!
The nurses where aware of my past IVF cycles and were nothing but positive in my treatment.
The doctor that performed my egg retrieval came to talk to me before the procedure.
He said, "Let's agree that this is the last time you have to do this. Let's shake on it."
Whew ,I'm not used to me treated like this! Is someone coming through that little side door to beat me over the head?
After my retrieval, while in my post anesthesia fog, a nurse patted my shoulder and said, "you did a good job sweetie"
Who the heck is she talking to? Oh she's talking to me! It's because I paid cash isn't it?
I had grown too accustomed to negativity.
I brace for impact anytime a medical professional nears.
Then, last week, I read my dear buddy Kim's blog.
My heart lurched when I read that her doctor called her an "anomaly", crushing her spirits and causing her to feel so badly about herself.
Made me mad! I wanted to choke her "Dr. Wacko"
Like a child, I wanted to yell "Dr. Wacko, you hurt my friend. You're a bad bad man!"
She is doing so much to make and keep herself healthy. I think she does more than that Dr. does for himself.
Kim,don't let his negative words touch you again!
I've got your back sister!
Then I thought about a scene in a really cool movie I once owned.
Someone has my copy and I want it back!
It was Called "What the bleep Do We Know?"
There are many messages contained withing the movie, but one comes to mind when dealing with all this.
It was about the power of words and thoughts. It referred to an experiment that Dr. Emoto conducted on water.
Water crystals displayed different properties based on the words or emotions directed towards them.
My favorite line from the scene is "If thoughts can do that to water, imagine what our thoughts can do to us"
Now, can't say that I have mastered this, but you and I must remember to not be so hard on ourselves in this struggle.
No matter the outcome.
We need to not think or say these negative things about ourselves.
We need to remember to love ourselves, despite how angry we might want to feel towards our bodies.
Easier said than done, right?
There will be times that I may need you to remind me of this.
Let's try to be good to ourselves today, Despite what is happening.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMfCvdyaNGQ
Something has been in the back of my mind for a few weeks.
Throughout my TTC journey, I have heard many women say "speak no negativity over my body" or something of the sort.
Even though I had heard this before many times, I never put it into practice myself.
I am so guilty of beating the crap out of myself during my attempts and failures while trying to conceive and carry our first child.
I will probably be guilty of this during this cycle also.
At my former fertility specialist's office, I rarely got positive feedback.
In fact, Dr. Negative seemed reluctant to give credit when credit was due.
It was always, "you've had this many eggs retrieved but..., we transferred these eggs, but..., your beta is positive, but.., your age is a huge factor!", etc, etc, ETC!!
Felt like the guy never had anything nice to say!
Fast forward to my new specialist
Now regardless of the outcome of the cycle, I can say that I have been treated in such a positive manner!
The nurses where aware of my past IVF cycles and were nothing but positive in my treatment.
The doctor that performed my egg retrieval came to talk to me before the procedure.
He said, "Let's agree that this is the last time you have to do this. Let's shake on it."
Whew ,I'm not used to me treated like this! Is someone coming through that little side door to beat me over the head?
After my retrieval, while in my post anesthesia fog, a nurse patted my shoulder and said, "you did a good job sweetie"
Who the heck is she talking to? Oh she's talking to me! It's because I paid cash isn't it?
I had grown too accustomed to negativity.
I brace for impact anytime a medical professional nears.
Then, last week, I read my dear buddy Kim's blog.
My heart lurched when I read that her doctor called her an "anomaly", crushing her spirits and causing her to feel so badly about herself.
Made me mad! I wanted to choke her "Dr. Wacko"
Like a child, I wanted to yell "Dr. Wacko, you hurt my friend. You're a bad bad man!"
She is doing so much to make and keep herself healthy. I think she does more than that Dr. does for himself.
Kim,don't let his negative words touch you again!
I've got your back sister!
Then I thought about a scene in a really cool movie I once owned.
Someone has my copy and I want it back!
It was Called "What the bleep Do We Know?"
There are many messages contained withing the movie, but one comes to mind when dealing with all this.
It was about the power of words and thoughts. It referred to an experiment that Dr. Emoto conducted on water.
Water crystals displayed different properties based on the words or emotions directed towards them.
My favorite line from the scene is "If thoughts can do that to water, imagine what our thoughts can do to us"
Now, can't say that I have mastered this, but you and I must remember to not be so hard on ourselves in this struggle.
No matter the outcome.
We need to not think or say these negative things about ourselves.
We need to remember to love ourselves, despite how angry we might want to feel towards our bodies.
Easier said than done, right?
There will be times that I may need you to remind me of this.
Let's try to be good to ourselves today, Despite what is happening.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMfCvdyaNGQ
Monday, May 2, 2011
Quick Egg Transfer Update
Taking a quick break from bedrest,
Yesterday morning I had 2 blasts transferred!
For the first time, I had embies left at the time of transfer.
Twenty minutes ago, the embryologist called to tell me that 2 blasts survived the freezing process.
I have 2 snow babies!
Yeah!!!!!
This is a first for me!
Heading back to the couch so my embies have a chance to implant!
Thank You Lord for my embies!
Please let them be healthy and implant!
Yesterday morning I had 2 blasts transferred!
For the first time, I had embies left at the time of transfer.
Twenty minutes ago, the embryologist called to tell me that 2 blasts survived the freezing process.
I have 2 snow babies!
Yeah!!!!!
This is a first for me!
Heading back to the couch so my embies have a chance to implant!
Thank You Lord for my embies!
Please let them be healthy and implant!
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