Inner Thoughts and Craziness..Edit... Reasonable Apprehension and Anxiety

Had to redo the title. Wiley came up with a much nicer word for my craziness!

Earlier today, I took a quick trip to the thrift store in an attempt to score maternity clothing.
I found nothing. Bah!
You know something, I felt weird, like a creeping trespasser.
I actually felt like I had no right to be looking for maternity clothing.
My body is expanding but my mind is still so narrow.
It is as if my mind is denying what my body is doing.
I cannot button my jeans yet I'm still in a weird type of denial.
Protection mechanism I guess.
Even though I saw that the babies were doing well, something won't allow me to relax and enjoy.
I haven't joined any pregnancy forums or blogs.
I probably never will.
I am an "IF" (infertile) and will always be.
No one could possibly understand this feeling but another woman who has dealt or deals with this.
I am not ashamed that I used IVF.
My husband is very private about this.
If asked, I don't think I could ever deny the path a took or take to achieve motherhood.

Here's a crazy example of how thoughts and fears creep into the subconscious
Last night I dreamt that husband and I were back in Maui,
Oprah was filming a special show on the island and we were given extra tickets to the filming.
It was a black- tie affair and we had our own table.
Oprah made an announcement that she was giving away new Nissans to everyone.
We were overjoyed and told the producers that we were pregnant with twins and this was so needed.
Oprah came over and told us that because we were given the tickets at the last minute, we didn't qualify for the new car.
In the dream,Husband turns to me and says,"Oprah is a bitch!"

Funny how even in my dreams I feel like I am sort of an imposter.
After so many "failures", I don't like to call them that, that my heart and mind is overly shielded.
Crazy ramblings!
Sorry about that it helps to get it out.