My Mother's Health

When I named this blog, the letting go part referred to many things. I had been through a devastating miscarriage after several ART cycles and my mothers health was starting to become an issue. A lot of things to wrap my mind around at that time. My mother has liver cancer. She's had many close call since the diagnosis. Many times we came close. We had a pleasant period from last October until a few weeks ago. She gained andaintained her weight and was stable. The jaundice was coming back and the stint was replaced in march and then again last week. The doctor noticed that the tumor had grown greatly in a very short period of time. We can only count on her stint to keep the jaundice away and keep her comfortable. A few nights ago she developed a fever due to a urinary track infection. The fever was brought under control and she was prescribed antibiotics. Last night her fever returned and brought under control again. Today she was disorientated and hardly able to walk. The nurse told me that it takes time for the antibiotics to fight the infection and it will have to run it's course. The nurse also said this may be the final decline in her health. Can't say I am surprised but silly me thought I had just a little more time. I knew our time was limited but now I worry that she might not even make it to The birth. Hard stuff to wrap my head around.

Belly Picture!

It seems that I over came my shyness about posting a belly picture.

I'm 27 weeks and 6 days.

Husband just can't seem to take a decent photo that include a human being in it.

It's like the man is taking pictures of the wall behind me or the furniture.

Well  husband is spending the night at my mother-in-law's and I got the itch to see if I could take a better pic all by myself.

This was taken with the digital camera, timer, and a halogen work light from the garage.

Oh, and my Furbaby was lying by my feet chewing on a toy at the same time.

Oh, and please ignore the lovely stack of books on my nightstand.

I just finished the new Charlaine Harris novel and it sucked!

( I waited a whole year for that, that goodness True Blood has a new season in June)

I just wanted a belly pic showing how I felt.

Despite my anxiety, acid reflux, heartburn, carpal tunnel, and swollen feet, I Feel Sexy!!

Please excuse this 40 year old for wanting to look sexy in a belly pic. lol!

You know what's great about it, you don't have to suck in your belly when you take pregnancy photos!

We suck in the gut for so long that we almost don't know when to let go.

It was a fun distraction.

I had been feeling a bit anxious and down today.

Tomorrow, my mother is having another stint replaced in her liver.

The liver cancer creates a mucus that clogs the liver so to keep her comfortable it's important to keep replacing the stints.

The time between stint replacement was drastically reduced this time.

Some times we are lucky, and the stint will last almost 6 months. sometimes only 2.

I have to remember that this procedure buys us more time to be with our mother.

At the beginning of this pregnancy, I worried that my mother would not be here to see her grandchildren.

I now know that she will be there.

It's hard to try and mentally prepare yourself for what might happen or when.

The procedure is done with a scope down the throat and is fairly quick but it is a torturous wait.

I'm almost paralyzed with fear the whole time, while my older sister spends the time searching menus on the web because she's only focused on what she's going to eat once we leave the hospital.

Eat, I could almost vomit from the anxiety.

Eating is her way to deal with Everything.

Happy, eat

Sad, eat

mad, eat

bored, eat

grocery shopping, eat

took a walk, eat

You would think she was having twins too.

I'm rambling again.

Please keep my mom in your prayers.

Goodnight

Things I should have said

Years ago even before battling infertility, I always kept in mind how delicate the situation could be and never asked stupid question or personal questions I had no business asking. I always saw infertility as something private. It was up to that person to share if they wanted to.

Maybe I am repeating myself or other women who have battled infertility, but today, I guess being hormonal has me a bit fired up.

I think back at some of the stupid things people have said to me during this journey so far and what I should have said or might have said if I wasn't polite.

Ten years ago a friend of my brother brought his girlfriend over and her 2 small children, a 1 year old and a beautiful newborn infant. I swooned over that newborn and baby boy.
So she says to me ( first time I ever met this chick),
"you like babies don't you? People who like babies can't have them"
Just to remind you I wasn't married or ttc at that time.
What I should have said,
"btch, if you don't like babies you should have kept your damn legs closed and f-you !"

Someone once said to me,
"you don't need any children. you have tons of nieces and nephews to take care of and put through school"
I should have said,
" just because you and your offspring are f-ing without protection for sport, why the hell should I pay for your vertical joyrides!"
( that was sister, lol!)

Someone said,
"oh you had a miscarriage. Well you tried, it didn't work, now leave it alone."
I should have said,
" jeez, you are so smart and know everything. i guess I should stop thinking for myself and let you do all the work!"

Someone once said,
"babies are such hard work and cost a lot of money,you don't want a baby"
I should have said,
"Wow I didn't know that, I though maybe we should both quit our jobs,  have a ton of kids and get the government to pay for everything. It seemed to work out fine for you!'

" Oh you are seeing a doctor, you are going to end up with a bunch of babies like octomom"
"Thank you for the vote of confidence! IVF is surely going to work now that you have preordained it!"

"Maybe God doesn't want you to have children"
"Maybe you should shut the F- up!"

"Maybe God doesn't approve of you getting treatment and wants to to try naturally"
" Why Don't you go tell a diabetic that God doesn't want them to take insulin and we all die sooner or later so come on home!"

"just stop trying and it will happen"
"Did I ask you for advice? Oh I must've because you know everything! you should have a column in the newspaper!"

Then this one, especially when the person has no idea what  you are going through.
" I get pregnant so easily, I would have one and give it to you"
"No thanks, I've seen your kids, and sweetie you have to tie bones around their necks just to get the dog to play with them.!'

"Have you see a doctor?"
" yes, I've seen doctors, I've seen nurses they aren't that uncommon these days. Sometimes you can even spot them at the 7-eleven when they are on break."

"maybe you are too old."
"maybe you should shut the f-up!"

"Is something wrong with you?"
"Why? Do I look sick or something? Tell the truth I can handle it!"

"if it were me, I would not have had children, you should count your blessings"
"I bet  your children are so happy to hear you say that! Do you write that in their birthday cards each year?"

" Babies are expensive!"
"No shit!!!! Truly, I did not know that! you just told me something new!!"

"Babies are a lot of work!"
" No way, I was planning on doing what you did. Bring them to visit mom and sneak away leaving them there when she's distracted. She loves surprises!"" Oh , you are having twins, that's going to be a lot of work!"
"My God! Are you a psychic or something! Quick give me the the winning Power Ball numbers for friday's Drawing!"

"Oh, you are having twins, Do twins run in your family?"
"Only when they are in trouble for doing something."

"oh, you are having twins, Do they run in your family?'
"now...what are you really asking here? Think hard about it and ask me the question you really want to ask, if you've got the balls!"

"are they test-tube babies?"
"Dunno! I guess I will find out once they are born! I'll be sure to ask the doctor."

" you are having twins, whew! better you than me!"
"yes, better me than you! they wouldn't have a chance in with someone like you!"

"you are having twins, are they natural?"
"Well, the are carbon based lifeforms for sure, but there's still a chance they might be Cylon hybrid, but that would be cool ! Do you watch Battlestar Galactica too!! We should get together and have a watching party!"

"you are having twins, how did that happen?"
"well Husband is so greedy, ya know? and He's always coming back for second helpings. We did the deed and I was satisfied for the day but he had to have seconds!!! damn that man!"

" Did a doctor help with it?"
"Are you asking if I'm into threesomes, Shame on you!!! Only on my anniversary."

Better stop for now
feel free to add more if you like!

Sorry For Being Gone For So Long

Sorry I haven't posted lately. When my Brain isn't mush, I've been too busy or too tired to pull my thoughts together.

My good friend suffered another early miscarriage after a FET. I was so disappointed and sad at first then angry. When things like this happen, you want to get angry at someone or something because it doesn't make sense.

Another friend of ours had her first FET and I was on pins and needles awaiting her beta and u/s results.
So far so good but you almost want to hold your breath until that person gets pass the first trimester.
The first trimester is Hell for us battling the Infertility Devil, even if you aren't the one going through it.

Finally, a friend going through IUI with injectables got her big BFP! great numbers!!!!
I hope that she breezes through early pregnancy and can relax.

Yes I get emotionally involved in this. It's not the pregnancy hormones either. I am and have been these women. I know how it feels. I can relate to the pain.
Infertility whether it is by unknown or known causes will change you.
Like any other disease, you can be changed by it.

The week after my rib contusion, Husband and I finally went on our long awaited Babymoon.
Funny thing, As soon as we landed I finally began to really feel pregnant.
My feet began to swell
My belly had a growth spurt
And my walk with gazelle like strides (lol) had become a waddle
I short distances became miles and I got stuck in a seat in the lobby of the resort

Tons of activities at the resort, many I couldn't partake in.
My two biggest feats were going on a manatee boat tour and getting into the pool without the help of Husband.

It had to look quite funny, I sat on the edge of the pool and attempted to plop in the welcoming waters.
Thought I was looking cute with my black and white maternity swimwear.
My god I almost had to roll to get in. Why didn't I use the shallow end?!
I had to lean forward with arms stretched out and have Husband drag my hugeness off the ledge and into the pool.
Okay I look like a mams manatee!
I betcha that wasn't cute at all!

After a swim I injured the other side of my back, once again while coughing.
I was in the elevator and there was this kid that smelled like chlorine and body funk.
Hey, super smelling powers come with pregnancy
Once he got off , I sneezed and coughed almost simultaneously.
OUCH!!! I pulled something.
I laid on the bed with my back twisted with pain.
The following day Husband arranged for me to have a prenatal massage at the spa.
OOh, it was so so good!
They gave me tea with honey and fruit as I waited in the lounge.
The massage was delightful
At that time it was better than sex!!!!
I wanted it to go on and on. lol!
The baby boy inside me started to roll around as if he was enjoying it too.
Damn, it was good.

Okay update on the twins,
baby girl is slightly bigger than baby boy
Both are doing well and becoming more and more active
Husband finally felt movement from the outside and it just added to his performance anxiety. lol!
Finally registered for the shower.
It really isn't as much fun as I thought it would be.
I'm a bit conservative about things and only registered for what is needed.
Sometimes it's a bit of a sensory overload.
Starting to ramble, I'll be back this week with more random thoughts.

Ouch! contusion vs minor fracture

Well, I have been battling a nasty cold/cough for a few weeks.
My OB instructed me to use musinex to get a productive cough so I could get rid of some of the junk that has been plaguing me.
My cough had gotten much better and it seemed that my cold was finally clearing.
Wednesday morning I had an appointment for a followup ultrasound to check it my low lying placenta had moved up a bit.
I woke up, started my teapot, and started my morning ritual of clearing my sinuses and coughing up mucus (yuk).
I usually feel so much better after this and stay pretty clear for the rest of the day.
Well as I walked to the bathroom, I had one hell of a cough.
Things were clearing up and I had one more productive final cough.

POP!!!!
I saw lights and white spots before my eyes.
PAIN!
Dear Lord, I really hurt something in my back!
The back of my ribcage felt like it was on fire!
I stood up and took a deep breath.
Okay, I still could breath without pain but my back.
Hopped into the shower and left the warm water soothe my back.
I thought maybe I pulled something got dressed and headed over to the ultrasound office.
The pain was still there and it hurt to walk.
I told the receptionist that I think I hurt my back.
Told the Ultrasound tech that I think I hurt my back.
They helped my unto the table and both babies looked fine.
I think the fact that they were okay and moving around made me feel so good I almost forgot the pain.
The techs told me to see my OB or family doctor after I left.
Well, it was wednesday and both offices were closed.
Called the chiropractor that handled my acupuncture before my FET and he was able to see me at 6pm.
Got home and laid down for the rest of the day before my appointment.
I was in so much pain something had to be wrong.
Chiropractor didn't think my rib was cracked and gave me a treatment.
I did feel better and thought it would get better by the next day.
Woke up in so much pain.
Okay!
I needed help.
After talking to the OB on the phone, it was decided that I should go to the triage at the hospital.
Husband rushed home and took me there.
I was sent to the "Fast Track" treatment that was for non life threatening injuries.
Husband helped me into my gown and I laid on the table praying I didn't have to cough. If I did there would be some screaming to be heard.
Before the nurse or doctor even came, a woman with a clipboard entered the room and asked Husband if she could have a minute to speak with me.
Okay?
She introduced herself as a battered woman's counselor and wanted to know if I had been battered or threatened
 WTF!
 She said that regardless of what I came into the ER for, she gives women a chance to express if they had any concerns. She wasn't even nice. I started laughing and told her that I hurt myself while coughing. She wanted to know if I had been in abusive relationships in the past etc, etc. I assured her that I hadn't and that this was a freak accident and thanked her.
Woman didn't even crack a smile. She was stoned faced.
She stated that it was routine for her to meet with women regardless of what they came to the ER for.
I was a bit offended!
Naw, I was offended!

My poor husband, he's such a gentle man.
He's my bald pudgeball with a cherub's face!
I might have let my temper flare and make her feel a bit threatened.
Sorry I'm a bit ticked.

Well, the Dr examined me and they checked me to make sure my lungs hadn't been damaged.
They could not determine if my rib had a crack or it I had a contunsion.
Even with xray,a rib would have to be seriously broken(almost in two) for them to determine that.
On nurse stated that she broke ribs in her last pregnancy due to the baby kicking.

After conferring with my OB, it was decided that I probably cracked or bruised a rib with the violent coughing .
The only thing to do is to treat my pain and have me use a incentive spirometer to keep my lungs healthy.
It kinda like a guage that I blow into to exercise my lungs.
When you have pain you tend to take shallower breaths and that could lead to pneumonia.

The Dr. was really nice and pregnant herself. She assured me that things would be okay.
I was given a prescription for Norco which was a slight narcotic but it was safe for me at this time.
The only side effect might be me feeling the babies move a little lesser because they do get a small bit of the medicine.
I was given 2 norcos before being discharged.
I did worry about the babies.
Husband took me out to dinner and I was still lucid.
I felt the babies get excited when the warm cheddar biscuits arrived!
Made me feel much better.
By the end of dinner, I was loopy as heck but the babies were quite active.
I kinda think that the pain I felt effected them too and they also welcomed the relief.
Woke up this morning feeling so,so much better.
It still hurts when I cough but I think we are on the road to recovery.
I don't even mind this incident as long as the babies are okay.

My RE Experiences

I'm been thinking about this for a while, but I've been quite busy.
Sometimes I feel absent minded and distracted.
Could be the hormones.
Yes, blame the hormones!

I silently follow a lot of blogs, only commenting when I think I have something useful to pass on.

I learned a lot a lessons with my battle with infertility and I try to pass them on.

My journey into A.R.T. was a reluctant one.
Well, it's a reluctant journey for most of us.
After trying for over 2 years, countless chemical pregnancies(some I don't even acknowledge, and the death of my father in law, I sought help from an RE.
Being in the state of Illinois, I had coverage for IUIs, IVF (4 retrievals), and FETs.
My meds would be covered all long as I didn't exceed 4 egg retrievals.
I walked blindly into my RE's office.
I didn't pay attention to statistics and only went with a referral from my OBGYN.
They had an onsite lab, It was a small practice, they were a close knit group, it was under my insurance...
Plus, it was close to home, no worry about rushing through traffic with a cup full of sperm.

First mistake I made, should have checked the statistics on the SART website.

I thought IUI should be enough, I had gotten pregnant before on my own.
I responded very well to Clomid.
After 4 IUIs, we had no success.
Funny thing, during my monitoring for these cycle, what appeared to be a pocket of fluid appeared on my uterine lining.
RE stated that he didn't find it during my original testing (hsg,hsh,etc)
Each time, the RE decided to continue with these IUI cycles.
After the fourth cycle, we moved on to IVF.

My first IVF cycle was a nightmare.
A few days after stimming, the RE slowed me down.
Then he doubled my dose.
Then he slowed me down.
I had 16 eggs retrieved, only 8 mature ( later I would find out that those eggs were further matured in the lab)
The eggs were not icsi'd.
4 fertilized and didn't divide or cleave.
I was called by the RE the day before my transfer and told that I probably wouldn't have anything to transfer on day three.
I lit four candles and prayed for those eggs.
That morning halfway to the office, I got the call that the eggs had dwindled out.
I was told it was my egg quality.
That was another red flag that I missed.
Being that it was a small practice, the RE tried to schedule all his retrievals and transfers on the same day.
I was at the mercy of scheduling.
He only hired the lab and anesthetist for a few days when he cycled patients together.
Many offices do this, this time it didn't work out too well.
If my reproductive system was a car,  being pushed to 110mph, slamming on the brakes, and then being pushed to 100mph again.
Forgive, I thought this was normal.
Just give me a baby I thought.

My second cycle...RE promised me we would take things slowly.
I started to stim evenly and at a steady pace.
After my first U/S monitoring appt, I was called into the RE's private office.
"I'm scheduling you for hysterosopy to check out that pocket of fluid on your uterus."
Um, shouldn't we have addressed this before I started any of my IVF cycles?
My IVF cycle would be cancelled.
Another red flag?!
Now, in my mind, I was still dealing with the bad egg quality issue.
I had to know how my eggs were.
We decided to go through with the retrieval and possibly freeze any quality eggs for a future FET.
I was a mad woman, I had to know if I had any quality eggs.
Retrieved and icsi'd
By day three, I had 4 quality embryos.
I hoped I would get a chance to freeze them.
The RE decided to go forward with the transfer.
"what about the cyst in my uterus?"
RE stated that he didn't think it would interfere with implantation.
Okay WTF, why did you want to have surgery?
Red flag!
Well, the cycle ended with a BFN and I was off to surgery.
A fairly large and ugly cyst was removed from my uterus.
Yup he said that might have had something to with it.
Dear lord , I was so blinded and desperate, I should have seen the signs and got out when I still had some insurance coverage left.

I went on to have two more fresh cycles with that RE.
One ended with a chemical at 5 weeks and a missed miscarriage and d&c at 12 weeks, that baby had turner syndrome.
I did get pregnant every cycle after the cyst was surgically removed.

Time for a new RE.
I didn't have any  insurance coverage left.
For many years we had saved  for a child.
Just had to dip into that fund.
It was still for the child, just not the way I expected to spend it.
Our best buddy actually helped with researching the new RE.
He had been with us throughout this journey, stepping in for Husband at many appointments, driving me back and forth.
It was decided and I headed off the the biggest A.R.T. firm in the area.
They possessed one of the largest IVF labs in the country.
They did retrievals almost every day of the year, so no cramming me into a cycle schedule, and yet they were so nice to me.
I was treated with so much respect and one on one care.
Who would've thought it.
The RE handling me was so genial and personable.
He told me that he would pull out the big guns for me. lol!
I thought, 'whoa, they're being nice to me because I'm paying cash" lol!
I did most of my earlier appointments at the satellite office a few miles from home.
The major appointments would be Down Town.
The day of my retrieval I learned that the founder of the practice would be doing my procedure.
This fertility center had been established in 1976 before the first IVF(at that time dubbed the testube baby) was successful.
He came into my room before the procedure to talk to me.
He said,"now let's shake because this is the last time you will have to do this"
My goodness, that made me feel so good.
He may have been bullshitting me, but damn, It made me feel good.
Now I keep forgetting the numbers but 18 were retrieved and 14 were mature.
The 14 embryos continued to do well on their own.
By the time of my 5 day transfer, I still had the majority of those eggs growing.
Can you believe that, I was told a year earlier that I had crappy eggs.
2 were transferred but the cycle ended in a BFN.
At first I was floored but I still felt good about that cycle.
I still felt good about the care I received.
I had embies on ice waiting for me and this practice had high FET rates.
I think primarily because they had higher standards of the embies they chose to freeze.
My body was wrecked but I had some snowbabies.

Before starting my FET cycle the RE told me that quality eggs were golden and that he would not transfer any of them into a uterus that wasn't prepared.
When I told him that the cycle had been one of the most pleasant ones for me, he laughed.
Really, it was the first time I got a positive feeling from a medical staff in a long time.

Like I said my body was wrecked and my lining had gone kaput on me.
I had 2 cancelled FET cycles.
The 3rd attempt the RE decided to use a protocol that was not normally used by the practice. It was pioneered my a doctor in Colorado.
This involved estrogen injections and Viagra suppositories.
Expensive as all get out!
It worked my lining perked up and I was good to go
Two previously frozen embryos transferred and I am currently pregnant with twins.
If I have to do this again regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy, I would return to this practice.
I'm not out of the woods, but are we ever out of the woods in this battle.

Now, maybe there is a moral to this story.
maybe it's to trust your gut feelings
maybe it's to do your research before you leap
maybe it's to recognize the red flags ( which I didn't)
maybe it's to not give up or yourself or your body

I don't know, but I felt like sharing today.

19 Weeks Tomorrow, anatomy scan today

Popping in again.
Had my level 2 anatomy scan and the babies looked great.
It was a long procedure.
I'm still fighting a cold and the u/s tech had a hard time taking pics and measurements.
It was almost torture trying to breath without moving my belly too much.
I was breathing so shallow, at one point I thought I would faint.
Babies are thriving and everything was where it was supposed to be.
However, according to this tech baby A is the boy and baby B is a girl.
For minute there we thought our little girl was now a boy. Whew!

Tomorrow we will be going to a huge consignment sale.
It just get realer every day but I still can't wrap my mind around it.

Just Popping In

I'm sorry I haven't stopped in to update.
After my last blog,my close friend lost her mother.
I knew before I played the message on my phone and stared at the icon on my phone for five minutes before pressing it.
After her arrival in Chicago, the drama began.
Despite all the family conflicts, her mother was put to rest in a beautiful ceremony.
The following week my sister's best friend in another state passed away.
She spent the week leading up to the funeral with a bottle of wine evey night.

With so much happening, I guess I didn't have time to obsess and worry about my babies.
I havent googled miscarriage or stillbirth in weeks.
I did google Braxton hicks contractions until my wellness nurse told me that I was feeling the babies move.
Husband and I attended a class at the hospital, Marvelous Multiples.
Learned a little
Husband learned a lot
My appetite is slowly returning however I have a terrible cold and it is kicking my butt.
I didn't get any sleep last night nothing safe to take is helping me.


Tomorrow is my level II ultrasound
I am terrified!
Why can't I ever go into these appointments confidently?
I'll update you tomorrow.

Boy